To not want to see MIL every day?

[TwinklyGoldReader]

Unfortunately MIL was widowed at the beginning of the year, and we offered lots of support as we obviously should have. She does have a daughter and her parents are both still with us but she relied more heavily on DH and myself, fine by me.

The problem has come now where we’re trying to ease back some of the support in order to help her in the long run and to become more independent. MIL still calls DH around 4 times a day and constantly asks to ‘pop in’, usually 5 times a week. I sound terrible but I’m starting to find it all a bit overwhelming. We both work and have 18 month old DS.

She still works part time and is very mobile, she loves shopping and has a few friends to meet up with. Myself and DH feel she’s at least fortunate enough to have a wide support system.

The main issue is, whenever she calls DH just won’t say no. He has been in tears at times about how overwhelmed he feels and that he doesn’t know what to do, as obviously he feels sorry for his mom. I’ve told him we need to set some boundaries as I don’t think it’s healthy. I think she’s come to rely on DS as her ‘only joy’, she gets annoyed when my own mum sees him.

It’s getting to the point where I dread each day and pray she doesn’t stop by (I’m horrible I know!) but her visits are quite intense. Myself and DH are now starting to argue, as how can I possibly tell him I don’t want to see his poor mum every day, especially given her circumstances!

I understand how you feel - my own mum was widowed and a few years later moved close to be near me and I was very conscious (as was she) that it wasn’t appropriate for her to pop round constantly as unfair on my dh.

Being possessive about her son makes sense - she probably reminds her of her late dh - but is not healthy.

I think gently weaning her off is best, dh can tackle this by “taking the offensive” - call HER in the morning and agree that HE will pop round and see her after work with dgc. That way she can plans her day.

Oh and get her on a family WhatsApp with your SIL and you and dh - tell her that works better than calling - you can then all post messages and make her feel in touch. With my mum we would always post our daily Wordle score after breakfast (tbh mainly as a thinly veiled “proof of life” as dm was alone and had a health condition!)

Also perhaps she needs a new role and sense of purpose now no dh to love and care for … could she help with babysitting your dc? You could say “you know dh and I would love it if we could work up to dgc being able to stay with you overnight. Would you like that?”

@MonopolyQueen Thank you so much, I love the idea of the family WhatsApp group!

That’s really really tricky but I think she has a job, friends and a daughter so she’s not doing to badly that she needs to call over daily. But my advice is not for you to deal with it but let dh ring and sort this. My mil would be like this but we moved away.

You’re not horrible! My own mum expects to see me everyday since my dad died (ten years ago!) and I don’t. I see her twice a week properly plus two pop ins because that is all I can give. It is not selfish to protect your own mental well-being (it has taken me a long time to get here!!) I’m just very firm with my mum. So for example, my sister went to see her today. Yesterday, when I dropped my mum home, she asked when I’d come over today. I said I wouldn’t be, because my sister (her other daughter 😂) was spending the day with her. She doesn’t love it, but tough luck. I have my own family to look after and she is fine.

I wouldn't want to see my own mother every day, never mind MIL!

Both your DH and MIL could benefit from bereavement counselling. He's finding supporting his mother too much to cope with she is reliant upon him in a way a parent shouldn't be on a child, even an adult one. For his mental health and his own family he needs to take a step back.

Be less available.. She can't expect you to stay home with a dc every day...

This sounds stifling and has the potential to become her new way of life.

Time to set boundaries. What time is she asking to come by? Can DH tell her it’s DS’s bed time, meal time etc?

Could he gradually reduce her visits to 3 x, then 2 x, then 1 x a week?

You sound unkind. She’s recently widowed. Give her the support she clearly needs. It’s still early days.

It’s been a year ? I think OP has really done enough. It’s starting to affect her marriage , this is not ok.

I have been there. I highly recommend a grief counsellor. my own fil died 8 years ago and we lived next door. every evening my husband would go in. it drove me wrong as affected our down time. he felt guilty that she was there on her own and the others didn't make much of an effort. we then moved further away and others had to step up as we had to plan going up. counselling was a good help too and then she gradually started going to groups and even went on holidays. gradually step away its still early days though so won't be easy. take each day as it comes as all of you still grieving at mo. I found it too a good near 2 years unfortunately 😕 counselling helped us all big time

It’s been a whole year, it’s no longer early days. No one is saying MIL isn’t grieving but OP has the right to want her home to herself again.

She’s been widowed nearly a year, time to start moving on to the next phase, she sounds stuck. And yes, I’m a widow

I think you sound lovely Op - very caring & considerate. It is time that she stands on her own a little more & you're not wrong for wanting that.

The family what's app group is excellent & if you can make more use of her for babysitting etc & help to give her a purpose, that would be great.

Otherwise, she needs to start helping herself - grief counselling, starting a new hobby, joining a walking group, volunteering, etc etc & find her own purpose.

Good luck as it's not easy.

5 times a week is too much IMO and deep down she probably knows this

You and DH need to become slightly less available and decline some of her requests to 'pop round'

Ignore this rubbish. You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. OP didn't say she wanted to cut off all support completely, just that it needs to start to be scaled back (for MIL's benefit too).

I'd start by messaging her once or twice a week saying "Hi, Just a heads up that we won't be available tomorrow, we are going out to do XYZ during the day then going to have a takeaway and a film. We are going to switch our phones off for so could you call DBIL if you need anything? Hope to see you on Sunday xx"
This way you are putting your boundaries in place by telling her you are not available. If you keep it to the same days every week I'm sure she'll get the message.

We have similar problem but our grieving mil lives in another country , we got into the habit of phoning every night and if we forgot or were out , but forgot to tell her, we got a passive aggressive call/ message , my DH was on knees some nights and could do without being bought down with her miserable call ( harsh but true)
so we basically weened her off us by
letting her know one day a week we are unavailable
next month we are not available two days a week
now we ring 3/4 times a week and she is cool with that and accepts we are busy or occupied on this days
you need to make the messsge water tight
“ hey mum we are out all day tomorrow but please pop by the day after” make the “ lies” as real and genuine as possible and make sure you make up for it next time you see her
Make a fuss if get and make her welcome the days she dies pop by but keep your boundaries firm and consistent

find all the bereavement groups and social groups you can and keep encouraging her participation in them

btw it took 6 years before mil eased off us 😂 sorry
grief sucks

Could your DH start talking to her about socialising with groups/hobbies/meet ups?

She needs to start learning how to live as a single person again. Even just one or new things a week will take some of the pressure off you.

A year is nothing in bereavement terms for most people btw. Not saying you should be trying to fill the gaps though.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. I have a widowed dad, however he is so self sufficient you’d be forgiven for forgetting he existed. But through strange circumstances it was nearly the other way round, my mum died 2 years ago tomorrow actually (we are going for a drink to celebrate her and remember her), but my dad was in a coma a few years ago and was not expected to live, the six weeks he was in hospital she was a clingy nightmare.

I approach this from the angle that she was already that way, I used to have near panic attacks at the fact that in days gone by, when everything was normal, she insisted on daily phone calls.

My dad was in hospital for 6 weeks, I went and lived with her all this time, my partner did get me away for a day here and there and my MIL would fill the gap, but one night after sitting all day in the kitchen with her, I went into the living room to watch tv, when I emerged to get a drink she was in tears, saying I hate her and just want to get away from her, I saw my future in that moment and gave her a stern talking to about boundaries.

The reason I’m telling you this is that you are not alone, but also the more you give, the more they take and take for granted, like with your time, they never would have put up with it from their own parents.

Your husband either needs to have a stern word with her and remind her how lucky she is with everything she has, including your time or use some of the excellent suggestions up thread to wean her.

I loved my mum, but unlike me and my dad, who are the loner types, she always had to have company and it can drain and it will definitely ruin your marriage if your husband won’t talk about it, my MIL nearly did similar to us, but that’s a whole other story!

Does her GP have a social prescriber? This is something ours has recently started and has been great for family members with navigating grief but they offer all kinds of support. They can be a listening ear, or sign post / refer for additional support. Maybe worth it for DH or MIL as it’s an independent person. Sounds like she feels like you’re her crutches but she needs to find something for her again. DH may also benefit from support from grief counselling to be able to offload may help him manage MIL better in these scenarios. Are you able to speak to the other family members about the strain it’s having on you and can they be asked to play a more active role in her life to give you guys a break

Every day is ridiculous. Start whittling it down to once a week - max!

This is certainly all too much for dh.
He's lost a father too.
Is it possible for you to be a bit of a wall between them.
'No mil - dh is in the bath , very tired , asleep.
I will tell you called and he will call you tomorrow. '
And tell your dh to sit on his hands and go and watch telie.
You're not being mean, but at this rate dh will get ill , and he has a wife a son ti look after.
I talk from experience and it's not easy.
Mil did get a boyfriend- she's passed now , but we keep a very close eye on him - as I know she would have liked that.