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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help this morning?

39 replies

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 07:43

I was up for about 3 hours last night as my baby wouldn’t sleep. DH is at the moment at home looking after her I’m back at work.

The toddler goes to nursery full time and due today. I’m working today, was off the Christmas week.

Toddler woke up early and baby slept so I slept with baby.

We wake up late and DH and toddler watching TV on the sofa, DH half asleep.

AIBU not to help to get them out of the house. He has not succeeded once in his own before. It would basically mean he has them both to look after.

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 30/12/2024 07:46

He should be capable of looking after his two children without you. Do you not trust him to? You shouldn't have to 'help'. How far is the nursery?

MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 07:53

Did you and DH have a conversation the night before about who was doing what?

If so and you agreed he would take her to nursery, why would he need help?

Why have you allowed it to get to a point where he isn’t able to look after your children?

DooDooDooDooDooDooDooDoo · 30/12/2024 07:57

It would not cross my mind to get involved. Not in a bad way but I'd just think he'll either take her or not take her.

It's up to him how he chooses to look after them today. You are at work so you do that, and he's at home so he's doing that.

Ablondiebutagoody · 30/12/2024 08:12

Why can't he look after them both? Just go to work. He'll figure it out

Nextyearhopes · 30/12/2024 08:13

One day he will be doing the school run snd he will HAVE TO get them there. Let him practice now.
Have a good day at work!

Fiery30 · 30/12/2024 08:19

Its odd that the schedule for the day wasn't discussed last night itself. Then you wouldn't have to worry about all this. Your husband should be able to 'manage' to take care of his own children. Why wasn't this successful before? Were any actions taken to ensure that he is better prepared?

Pineapplewaves · 30/12/2024 08:20

I would leave them to it, there is no legal obligation to get your toddler to nursery so if they are late or don't make it in at all it doesn’t matter (other than you've paid for it). One day with both of them and he might be keen to make an effort tomorrow.

Original poster
GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 08:25

Haha - those saying things along the lines can he not look after his children, how did you let it get there…. I’m actually raging and feel combative but shall refrain from being a dick here

But to address it anyway. Yeah, this morning feels like the straw that….

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/12/2024 08:28

If you’re working and he’s looking after baby, he should have been up in the night.

BallerinaRadio · 30/12/2024 08:29

If you're not a team parenting two kids things and this actually quite small issue which is easily resolved by talking and planning is a big issue you're in for a long and arduous road I'm afraid ...

Saltandvin · 30/12/2024 08:33

Don't you (or he) just drop the toddler whenever they're ready? Some children arrive for 8am, some much later. Won't he just drop them off in a bit? I wouldn't be rushing if I were him either.

Original poster
GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:30

Toddler is in nursery. I work from home so shooting myself in the foot really if not getting them out of the door.

Honestly, though, this feels like the last straw. Outdated, old fashioned views, that no, I didn’t see coming. I actually felt I had one of those pulling their weight at home. Well, until the children arrived!!

OP posts:
RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 30/12/2024 10:34

He chose to create two kids but fails to perform basic parenting? Deeply unattractive, making himself a burden.

Namechangedforthis25 · 30/12/2024 10:40

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:30

Toddler is in nursery. I work from home so shooting myself in the foot really if not getting them out of the door.

Honestly, though, this feels like the last straw. Outdated, old fashioned views, that no, I didn’t see coming. I actually felt I had one of those pulling their weight at home. Well, until the children arrived!!

Sorry to hear that

presumably still happy for you to work and earn money though - so not that old fashioned when it suits him

Be tough - he can sort it. Close your door, don’t come out if he needs you - just say you are on calls or in training all day

Original poster
GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:40

RupertCampbellBlacksEgo · 30/12/2024 10:34

He chose to create two kids but fails to perform basic parenting? Deeply unattractive, making himself a burden.

Yep

OP posts:
Original poster
GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:41

Namechangedforthis25 · 30/12/2024 10:40

Sorry to hear that

presumably still happy for you to work and earn money though - so not that old fashioned when it suits him

Be tough - he can sort it. Close your door, don’t come out if he needs you - just say you are on calls or in training all day

Show quote history

And yep again

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 30/12/2024 10:44

Do you have a room you work in at home so that you are shut off from the rest of the house? I’d go to ‘work’ and leave him to it.

Original poster
GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 10:48

As I said. The toddler is in nursery now. He can manage the baby, well 9-5 (slightly exaggerating) and expect a medal and pat on the back for how modern and involved father he is (not exaggerating)

And then he will want to make sure he gets his downtime once his ‘shift’ finishes (at my expense).

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 12:07

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 08:25

Haha - those saying things along the lines can he not look after his children, how did you let it get there…. I’m actually raging and feel combative but shall refrain from being a dick here

But to address it anyway. Yeah, this morning feels like the straw that….

Be as raging as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that this happened because you allowed it to.

So why did you? And what are you going to do now to address it?

Original poster
GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 12:07

Be as raging as you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that this happened because you allowed it to.

So why did you? And what are you going to do now to address it?

Show quote history

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

OP posts:
MinnieBalloon · 30/12/2024 12:15

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

Show quote history

Burying your head in the sand won’t fix this.

Hadalifeonce · 30/12/2024 12:17

Is there not a friend you need to meet up with for a drink after work??

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 12:22

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 08:25

Haha - those saying things along the lines can he not look after his children, how did you let it get there…. I’m actually raging and feel combative but shall refrain from being a dick here

But to address it anyway. Yeah, this morning feels like the straw that….

He hasn’t done it because he hasn’t had to. Why would it suddenly occur to him to start now?

Unfortunately sometimes you have to be crystal clear on what you want/need.

Expecting someone to do something without them knowing (however obvious) will end in disappointment. Until you tell him very clearly you can’t be angry that he couldn’t read your mind (again no matter how obviously he should have done these things).

I am constantly baffled at people’s expectations on other people without being clear about what they expect.

Resilienceisimportant · 30/12/2024 12:34

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

Show quote history

No I agree with Minnie no matter how it was maybe worded. No one is putting the boot in.

You have “allowed” this to happen as you haven’t communicated what you want to happen (no matter how obvious) and enable behaviour by not clearly setting out what you expect from him. This ain’t blaming you but rather about what needs to happen to change your situation:

I get you are frustrated and tired and we have all been there. Not an easy time trying to juggle two children and working full time. We get it.

I also get you want to vent and then vent again at a poster but what you really need is to not have this happen again.

Be clear about expectations and what you need your husband to do. My guess (happy to be proven wrong) is that you did the lions share of childcare and house while on mat leave and the shift of you going back to work and needing this to be more equal hasn’t happened. Have this conversation if you haven’t already.

As someone said to me once - every job you pick up during mat leave you don’t lose when you go back to work.

Bearbookagainandagain · 30/12/2024 12:35

GummyBearr · 30/12/2024 12:12

@MinnieBalloon oohh, Minnie - you are funny. Putting the boot in, are you? Or just feeling a bit bored? Or a bit of both?

Show quote history

I think she's got a point.
The only option you have is to let him deal with his mess rather than fixing it. Ideally with a heads up: "tomorrow I am working from 8 am, I'm not able to help getting toddler ready".

Of course you're not unreasonable, but raging on your own won't do anything to change the situation.

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