Second child after first with health condition

[Djockey101]

My firstborn has a mild heart condition and is 15 months. I’ve always wanted two children but the first year was tough with the health circumstances and the uncertainty that entailed. She is thriving and is likely to continue to do so without intervention at this stage but I have had severe anxiety around her health since the diagnosis. I’ve suffered from OCD for years too.

I’m in my mid thirties and don’t want to wait too long if we’re going to have another child, but I worry about how I would cope with the stress and anxiety with two young children given my anxiety background.

am I being unreasonable to start planning a second?

thanks in advance

pregnant with my 2nd. First also has a heart
condition. 5 year age gap. It took me time to know I was ready. Only you know what’s right for you

Only you know what’s right for you This, everyone is different

@Amba1998 huge congratulations. It does take time to heal and breathe. Is your first coping well with his/her condition?

Is it fair on the second child will their childhood centre around the first?

I have two with SN (nothing genetic, just by fluke). a healthy child is never guaranteed as you know. If you don't think you could cope with another child with a health condition or disability, I would stop. It sounds like the last year was really difficult for you and that you would likely hugely struggle if the second baby would have a condition. life is extremely difficult for me with 2 with very complex needs and I know it wouldn't be for everyone.

I would thank my lucky stars that DC1 is now ok and stop there. Be happy with the family you have. Take care of yourself.

1st child has clubfoot and slow onset hirschsprungs so lots of hospital visits, physio, casting, medication and surgeries - although thankfully never directly life threatening. 2nd child born when 1st was 2.5yrs. It's constant and draining. I'm tired mentally and physically. But 2nd is 14 months and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. 2nd has none of the same medical issues, but if she had I think we would have coped, just. I know it's not the same circumstances, but I wouldn't change having 2. Seeing them play and be together really does make me so happy. I would personally have regretted not having a 2nd. X

Both prem too, so NICU initially.

I would consider the child and not just your own desires.

Would you be ok if the second child had a significantly more difficult and serious health problem?

My first child has a significant genetic condition which meant his first year of life was very tough. I had my second child 5 years later and reveled in having a “normal child” - doing what everyone else got to do, no hospital, no health worries - it was bliss! However you’d still have a young toddler to deal with so not sure you’d have the same experience.

I think its very difficult andno way to know. My oldest son has no health conditions and is 15. His brother is 4 and has Complex additional n3eds and disabilities. Maybe harder because youngests dad is not involved so it's all on me but if the ages were they other way around I don't know how I'd cope. It also comes with extreme guilt at the stuff ds1 inevitably misses out on.

It took me 4 years to be ready for my second. I think it just takes time to get your head around it

I think 3+

My eldest had congenital heart defects detected at the 20 week scan. She underwent open heart surgery at 9 days old. She is now a healthy happy 4yr old with no further intervention needed at this stage, just yearly check ups.

I did really struggle mentally with the pregnancy, the unknowns about whether her diagnosis would stick or get worse as the pregnancy developed, labour and then her time in hospital. I did get help from the perinatal mental health team, but as it was in 2020 it was fairly remote.

I knew I wanted a 2nd. I was worried about the heart defects potentially reoccurring but the cardiologists told us our eldest's was just really unlucky and while there was increased risk, it wasn't substantial.

I was lucky to get pregnant quite quickly and had regular scans to check the baby's heart as the pregnancy developed - all clear. They checked again after she was born which was reassuring.

I did however have awful post natal depression and anxiety, I think having a "healthy" baby gave me space to feel things that I simply had to block off when my eldest was newborn because I just had to get through for her. I was however really helped by having both pre natal and post natal mental health treatment. Post partum they quite quickly moved me onto anti anxiety and anti depressants medication which helped stabilise me, while I also got talking therapy and time with a psychologist. Interestingly they also diagnosed me with OCD.

18mths on, and I am incredibly grateful that we did go ahead with a second. She completes our family. While I did struggle at first, things are feeling so much better now.

Obviously every situation is different, but given you know your challenges with anxiety and OCD, could you speak to your GP before getting pregnant about potential support for you?