Disappointed by DS and DBIL

[Iamanon55]

Just got home from a post Christmas Day with DH, DF&DSM, DB & DSIL, DS & DBIL and our 2 kids (22 & 19). We’d arranged a secret Santa among adults and had fun handing them out only to find that my DBIL had forgotten to buy a gift for me! I could let that one go but then my DS has nothing for my 2 DC. I know they’re older and we maybe shouldn’t expect anything but this is the first year they haven’t received anything and she gave to my DB”s son who is 38 and also to the grandchildren of her partner. I can’t think what my kids have done to offend her and I know they do not need anything but surely it’s the thought that counts. I usually have a close relationship with my DS but am really hurt by this apparent thoughtlessness. I don’t feel I can discuss with her as it would come across as being very greedy but can’t help feeling hurt. Do you think I ABU?

I would assume at 22 and 19 they were involved in the secret Santa?

Why weren’t they included in the secret Santa seeing as they are adults too? I would have assumed they were ad so not bought for them. Did they buy presents for your sibling?

We have had a year of shit this year and messed up with secret Santa, maybe they had other things on their minds? Your children presumably got presents from other people? Give them a break, mention it maybe, but I’m sure they feel bad

I would have presumed they were part of the secret Santa and therefore not got them anything.

Your children are now adults - if they aren’t part of the secret Santa then no, they shouldn’t still expect to receive a gift. Did your children independently give a gift to their aunty? Do they have a reciprocal gifting relationship?
It is quite possible the 38 year old received a gift from their Aunty as a friend, or as a thank you/recognition for something they have done - either way, it is not your business who your sister chooses to give gifts to.

You are not unreasonable to be upset with BIL - he dropped the ball and I would be expecting him to put something in the mail.

Expect BIL to make good with a belated outing or gift.

Your adult kids, I think, would have been assumed to have been in the Secret Santa.

If your kids forgot to give their Aunt a gift, could they post a belated Christmas card expressing how nice it was to catch up at Christmas? They could also make a mental note to visit Aunt in the next few months for a coffee outing.

Were they not in the secret Santa? As they are adults.

I’d assume that she thought your kids were part of the secret Santa, although that doesn’t explain why she bought DB's adult child - maybe he buys for them though, do your two children buy for the other adults? I have this with my DN - we still buy for but her name is still included on cards and presents from her parents despite her having her own flat. I don’t expect her to spend much, but I think at least a token bottle of wine from her isn’t much to ask.

I'm assuming they were part of secret santa, no?

If not, did they buy gifts for your DSis?

My kids and nephews are a bit younger than yours and we stopped buying for the kids a couple of years ago. They didn't ever buy for my sister or brother and we don't exchange presents with them either.

Once the kids are adults, I'd rather Christmas was about spending time together with extended family rather than piles of presents which often miss the mark and end up in the charity shop.

What did your two children buy for your sister?