Siblings and Mum excluded me from Christmas

[Pinkyblue123]

Long post, here is the back story. I’m youngest of 3 siblings all in our 50s Dad died 15 years ago leaving terrible hole in family. Mum stubbornly stays living in a really difficult location (as children we moved around a lot) miles away from where us children have all settled with families. I live 7 hour drive away in England, my sister lives in Ireland (7 hour drive) and my brother is a 3 hour drive from Mum. We all have kids jobs etc, so the location of Mum can be a challenge, added to the fact that she now says she does not want to travel by train (understandable she is in 80s and partially sighted). We decided this year we would try to all meet somewhere for Xmas, this was openly discussed on siblings WhatsApp group, sister and I said let’s lets look into it, brother said nothing on messages (bit strange). I had limited time off at Xmas could not make full week (work commitments for me and husband) but could do Xmas days off. Spoke to Mum one day and she said no one had mentioned Xmas and she was worried she would be left on her own, I said we had been talking as children and hoped to sort something but if not she was welcome to come to mine for Christmas and I would of course not see her on her own. I then shared on sibling WhatsApp the conversation I had with Mum. Next news I speak with Mum and she tells me that she and my sister have been invited to my brothers house for Christmas and they are all going out for Christmas lunch as my sister in law does not want to cook. Oh I said, I thought we were trying to be to sort something thing for all of us? I was shocked so asked directly on the the sibling WhatsApp why this was I not consulted when we were trying to organise a whole family get together? My sister squirmed and tried to back track, my brother completely blanked me, I said how hurt I felt to not be consulted or included, especially as we could have gone along in our motorhome and parted on to their drive so as not to impose in their house. Still radio silence from my brother. I felt hurt and excluded and shocked. I talked to my Mum about it, she dismissed me saying don’t make a fuss and my sister knew how I felt and they both went ahead without challenging my brother. They then all rang me on Christmas Day as if nothing had happened (this is the first time I have spoken to my brother since raising how upset I felt and being ignored). At the end of Xmas week I am being called by Mum and sister as if nothing has happened. I told my sister how hurt and upset I was and she weakly called it a misunderstanding, how can it be I said, I have made it quite clear how I feel to her to my brother and Mum but no one listened and now they are acting as if nothing happened. So AIBU? I feel gaslighted by all of them, so shocked and disappointed that no one said why was I not invited? I thought I had a pretty good relationship with my siblings, when ai have discussed with friends who know my family they are also really shocked. I don’t want a big family fall out but feel that I deserve to be treated beter than this my my own family

It is a constant conversation she just buries her head in the sand whenever I raise it, she says we jjust have to deal with it. Yet gets annoyed that she does not see us as much as she’d like. I do think she is selfish, but she is my Mum and I have just had to accept she won’t change.

But it’s your brother you should be focusing on here?

I think it is SIL she is a very controlling character and my brother panders to her all of the time. My brother and I used to be really close but over the years she has seemed to discourage us from seeing each other. It is not the first time she has excluded his family from things. She excluded us from his 50th birthday when we were trying to organise a surprise for him including her, she went on to organise something and make it impossible for us to at go.

Yes I totally agree he is the one that has completely excluded me and ignored me when I confronted him. I feel sad about it but now feel ai want nothing to do with him anymore.

That’s what I did do when I heard about the plans, my brother ignored the messages which is why I feel so hurt. That’s gaslighting in my book

He can't ignore a phone call.

Eh? You can easily ignore a phone call.

I asked why ignoring me and he just ignored my until he called me on Xmas day all jovial as well if nothing happened

And what happened when you told him all that when he called you?

We discussed at Easter everyone getting together as Mum said that was what she wanted, They decided to go out for Christmas lunch, he has a large house and we would have been self contained in terms of showers and beds and even have a kitchen in the motorhome. We would have been h to were Xmas Eve until Boxing Day, my sister and Mum were there over a week.

Alright - he can't ignore the question if it's asked during a phone call. Is that better?

Unfortunately it's sounding like this isn't about beds or space or any of the logistics of whether they went out or stayed in. I suspect SIL didn't want to invite you to join at all, from your further updates.

What happened during the phone call.

I did not want to say anything in front
of the children

She is partially sighted and frequently complains about being lonely, she lives in a remote rural location with limited public transport. My brother had not been to visit her for 11 months before Xmas and he is the closest at 3 hours away, my SIL and Mum don’t get on particularly well

So how many did BIL & SIL put up for a week?

The oddest thing is that they didn't tell you so that you could book a hotel/sort somewhere else to park the motorhome & at least join them for Christmas lunch out.

I imagine it would have been tense at times. I totally get that it would have been a lot to host everyone, but why not just come out as say that to me, why ignore me when I ask the question? That is what I am really upset about. I also told my mum and sister how I felt about it and they said nothing to my brother as it suited them to all go there for Xmas and I guess they did not want any discussion of it to impact their Christmas

Well, they can all get fucked then, can't they? I'd not be building bridges anytime soon. They've made their feelings loud and clear.

You're still speculating. Until you ring your brother and ask directly you'll never know why you weren't invited and this rift will fester.

I wouldn't ring him. He's a piece of shit and deliberately orchestrated the whole thing. At least you know where you stand.

You wouldn’t usually expect to organise the surprise celebration for someone who has a spouse, surely? I mean, I wouldn’t dream of doing that for my brother. I’d ask his wife whether I could help with her plan, or organise something separately.

We were helping her to organise, she then made the plans and excluded all of his family, Also none of friends were invited either. Just her siblings and friend. It was all very strange. She then lied and told brother we didn’t want to go

96% of people reading this thread voted YANBU - you don’t have to justify yourself to the small minority who can’t see it from your point of view.

Though I get that your mum is elderly and doesn’t rock the boat, it’s really not helpful that she didn’t speak up for you. I’d be livid, and as a mum of adults, I 💯 would have said “What about ?” 🙄

This is probably what SIL wants 🙄 Don’t fall into her hands 🙂

Oh wow! She sounds… delightful 😬

I hope that you corrected her! She sounds quite controlling.