For thinking that we should all care for our mother over Christmas

[haplessharpy]

I'll try to keep this brief.

I'm one of four girls. My mother is mid 70s now and lost my father 15 years ago. She's since flourished to be fair. She now has a lovely social life and good friends, plenty of travel and more disposable income than she's ever had.

My relationship with her is good. On paper. But the truth is that I find her incredibly draining. She talks at you rather than to you, obsesses about money, is a reverse snob and just incredibly hard work.

For the last 12 years or so I've hosted my mother at Christmas. This means driving over two hours to collect her, dealing with her tutting and huffing about money spent on our children, listening to her talking about her friends who I wouldn't know if they slapped me, her general awkwardness and lack of hygiene. Yes....I know. I sound horrid, but I don't really LIKE her in all truth. She wasn't a good mum when I was a child.

But she's my mother. And I think that for all her mistakes when we were young she's really stepped up to help us all and love us post Dads passing. Would I be unreasonable to ask my sisters (we mostly don't talk. I only have a decent relationship with one and share the odd nicety with two) to share this burden? She's getting old now.

Perfectly reasonable to ask.

They may or may not have time and space in their life to take her on.

You can ask of course but be prepared that they may refuse. You can decide on your own level of involvement but not that of others, especially if none of you have a good relationship with her

Of course it's reasonable to ask, it's also reasonable to just not host your mother because you don't fancy it next year! Book a holiday, make other plans, or just say you're having a quiet Christmas next year and she will have to make other arrangements.

You can’t decide what they do but you can choose what you do. Don’t host next year and have a year off - they will either step up or they won’t

Who wants to spend Christmas or anytime with a not so nice relative? Nobody should be forced to do that.
Haven't seen my dm since 2012....

Just decide what you are doing. Your mum is independent, you don't have to have her over. You could say you are having a year off, or will do one in 4. Or you could just visit her after Christmas. Don't ask them.

How is her health? Your post describes someone who doesn't need looking after and is quite unpleasant to have as a guest.

You would be unreasonable to put that expectation on anyone else.

You would be absolutely justified in communicating that you won't be hosting Christmas this year.

Nicely, your mum doesn't sound nice. Your sisters might not want her for Christmas. She might just as happy if you dropped in a hamper on Christmas Eve next year so she can tut about the waste of money on that and let your children enjoy their gifts.

She's only mid 70s and she has a great social life and lots of friends - she doesn't need looking after! Nobody has to rush around after her. Maybe she'd prefer to spend Christmas with her friends, or go on a fun holiday?
Stop being a martyr, OP - let your mother get on with her life, while you get on with yours.

If someone wasn’t a good mother and isn’t a nice person now, I doubt your sisters will want to have her for Christmas. Just because you feel this blood tie doesn’t mean they have to.

there are 4 of you and you hosted her this year. I would message her and your sisters and say that next year she can go to another, and you will expect to be hosting her again in 4 years time when it's your turn again.

Stay firm. Stay calm. stay kind. You can do it

You are not unreasonable to ask, of course. But prepare yourself for them saying no. You've hosted your mother for the past 12 years, they obviously haven't. I'm guessing they haven't even suggested it, otherwise your mother would already be alternating her Christmases between all her children.
I feel your pain. I love my mother dearly, she's been a wonderful mother and deserves support and care in her old age from her children. Yet I increasingly find hosting her frustrating and difficult, and my siblings just don't bother, so it's me or she's home alone.

Oh gosh, totally reasonable to ask. I only hope they say yes!
If not, does she have friends she'd be able to spend Christmas with? Even if only for one year, to give you a break.

but if none of them say yes, then sadly OPs mum will be alone and that is it.

And then if it is ok, OP can invite her if she wants the following year (I wouldn't) or just step up every 4 years (I would do that). Nobody cares about OP, why should she care about them?

if none of them say yes, then sadly OPs mum will be alone and that is it.
Not necessarily, her mum has a good social life.

well quite, @Circumferences there is absolutely no need for OP to do anything more than the absolute minimum.

If she wasn't a good mum then she reaps what she has sewn doesn't she? If she was a good mum then no child would see her be lonely. If your siblings wanted to do it, then they would have. Just because you do, doesn't mean that you should obligate others to. What you have described is still her being horrible, at the expense of your own family. So if you are willing to prioritise her over the atmosphere she creates for your family, then that's your choice. Your siblings might not want to do that so that's fair too.

Late last night I made contact with a sibling that I haven't spoken to in a couple of years.

It transpired that mum had actually seen my sister and her children on Christmas Eve. Apparently mum got a train over there and sibling went to the station to meet her. Mum dumped the kids Christmas presents and broke her neck to get back on the train an hour later.
She pointed out that mum doesn't actually like spending time with any of us, or the grandkids. I'm going to stop obsessing about her lonely Christmases now and won't be offering for the next couple of years. Thanks all.