Need advice

[CourtneyL96]

Just wanted to write to see if anyone else can relate and how you cope with it

I’m 28 years old a single mum soon to be 29 for that 8 and a half years I have had the worst luck with men I was with my daughters dad for 4 years and he was controlling and mentally abusive and I was miserable in the relationship and always felt like I wasn’t good enough for him when my daughter was 2 1/2 I split with him cause I couldn’t take it anymore and knew I deserved better

after that I was single for 10 months focused on myself and started to feel better lost a bit of weight had a glow up and started feeling like myself I then met someone we hit it of really well and I fell in love with him and then we moved into a house together and for the first time in years I felt so happy and genuinely thought I had finally met the one everything was going well no arguments or drama and then after 5 month of living together he came home from work one night and split with me I was so blindsided and heartbroken I couldn’t beileve it and he didn’t even give me a proper explanation all he said was he felt “ stressed “ for the first 9 month of the breakup he kept mucking me about taking to me telling me he still loved me the next he would tell me to move on and block me he then invited me to his house I spend 4 days with him came home and then a week later he told me to move on and 2 month later he got a new girlfriend and she feel pregnant about 5 weeks after being with him I was heartbroken all over again

I then stayed single for a year and a half and met a guy really liked him got In a relationship for 7 month after being together for 6 months i introduced him to my daughter and family and he was saying we should get a house together and the last 4 weeks we were together we had 2 arguments not over anything serious and he split up with me then a few month later said he just felt it was to much to soon

I just feel like I’m never enough for a man it’s like I’m incapable of making anyone happy they end up loosing interest on me and then move on to someone else and I’m left to pick up the pieces and I don’t get it I don’t cheat I don’t treat a partner bad I’m not controlling or abusive iv treated all my exes good and been loving but it’s never enough for them

and im sick of it all I want is to be loved and get what I deserve I see woman getting married and proposed to and I always think a man’s never loved me enough to want that after all iv been through it’s fucked my head up I feel so depressed and empty inside

I want to be happy and enjoy being single but I can’t even be happy because my heads so fucked up and I look back at the past with bitterness my ex that left me and then got the woman pregnant he’s still with her looking all happy on social media and it makes me angry because he deosnt deserve that type of happiness after what he done to me also I noticed he unblocked me 4 months ago on fb and insta which I thought was weird

but yeah has anyone exsperienced this or feeling this way would just like to know I’m not alone

You are introducing men to your DC, and moving in with them, far too quickly. Slow it way down.

I get what you’re saying but when is ever the right time if someone is going to do you wrong they will do it regardless of how slow you take it plus me and my Daughter come as a package im not going to hide her away from a partner

I think the time is when you feel comfortable that a)your child will be safe with new man and b)that you will be safe with him and c) he's not going to turn out to be a cocklodger/cheat etc

Being loved and a family is about being respected and working as a team. It's not about dreams and fantasy. You both deserve more than you are getting. Be single for a while, then if you do meet someone take your time and let them earn your trust.

Ok, you need to slow down. Mr Monkey was a single parent when we met. I did not meet his son until we had known each other for six months and we did not move in together until we had been going out for 4 years.

You are pushing things too much.

Yeah that’s what I did in my last relationship o waited 6 month before I introducing my daughter to him and I wasn’t planning on getting a house with u till we had been together for a year or more it’s more just the fact I I’m never enough for another person they always leave in the end

It sounds like you are getting overly invested in the relationship too quickly.

The first 6 months is casual dating, it's getting to know each other, seeing each other a couple of times a week and learning about what you each want and like. It should be reasonably light because at any point you could each decide you're a bad fit, and it's when you should make that basic decision because it's better to figure it out during that period then after you are financially linked or have had children together.

maybe if you were more settled in yourself rather than forever pursuing a man/any man as the ony way of being you would feel more content.

I agree you’re moving too fast. It’s not just on you - your partners are too. But that’s why they’re all getting cold feet and calling it quits when things get serious. 6 months to a year is a really short span of time to have met kids and discussed moving in together. You’re still very much getting to know one another at that point.

I was with my husband for more than a year before we discussed moving in together, and neither of us had kids to consider. And then we were together for a few years before deciding to get married. It meant we knew each other inside out before making big commitments.

You’re obviously attractive and a nice person as you have no problem attracting partners. Next time slow everything right down and remove the pressure that comes with moving too fast.

Thanks for all your reply’s and I do agree with what yous are dying however the guy I got in a relationship with that cheated on me we were together for 9 months and it was his idea to get a house together he brought it up in conversation

and the second guy I was with for 7 months o wasn’t looking to move in with him I wanted to take it slow and he was the one that brought the conversation up about getting a house together

iv noticed that these wanted to progress it fast but then where quick to leave they would promise me the world and then bigger off

Just because someone suggests moving in together doesn't mean you have to agree. If they are serious about you then suggesting that you hold off until a year, 2 years, your kid is out the house, should not put them off.

Hey OP I really get what you’re saying. Growing up I was always feeling like you do now. This is not your point I know but just for a moment put men aside, they won’t make or break you. The person who will love you more and better than anyone else in this world is right in front of you. Your daughter is your reflection on who you are as a person not a man who gets his girlfriend pregnant in 5 weeks. She is worth a million of him. Put these men aside, concentrate on your little family and things will come right for you. ❤️

So stay single then. If you cone across as desperate you will attract the wrong men.

I’m not desperate these men are clearly desperate for a quick fix and then want to run away they are the problem clearly I was single for a year and 10 month before I got with my last ex and I chose to be single for that long

I get what you’re saying but when is ever the right time if someone is going to do you wrong they will do it regardless of how slow you take it plus me and my Daughter come as a package im not going to hide her away from a partner

You may come as a package but she needs shielding from men coming in and out of your life. Why do you think men are suggesting moving in so quickly - you can date someone and keep your child out of it, if he’s serious about you he’ll understand why you’re keeping your daughter out of the relationship.

Men sometimes want to save money by moving in, sometimes they think it’s the next step, sometimes their reasons are more sinister but at 7-9 months it’s rarely because they can’t bear not to be with you.

Take time out of dating, give yourself a chance to be alone with your daughter and stand on your own two feet. When you do start dating take it really slow, avoid conversations about love and moving “forward”, let it all breathe.

Thank you and yeah I want to be happy and independent I know I don’t need a man I just think we live in a generation that makes you feel like you must have the man and the perfect family and when you don’t have that you feel like shit and because iv had men treat me like im nothing it’s affected my mental health and confidence

I’m definitely not desperate I can assure you

because iv had men treat me like im nothing it’s affected my mental health and confidence

Thats what you need to work on then, improving your mental health, gaining confidence away from dating and men. Honestly being in a relationship won’t give you self esteem but building your self esteem and having stable mental health will improve your relationships.

you are right this world makes you feel like that, it really pushes that narrative in your face. I never had a boyfriend or anything until I was 26! I felt so unlovable, embarrassed really. It was a strong feeling and it really shaped how I thought about myself. Then I met my first boyfriend and married him. Now I’ve got my kids I would hate for them to view themselves badly because that’s how they think other people see them. My advice to my younger self would be to not let other people tell me how I think about myself, you write your own story so be brave and make it good. Chin up op I do understand how you feel it’s shit, but it’s not you it’s them.

@CourtneyL96 I think your getting a hard time on this thread. I'm in the same boat although without a child and can assure you it's not me. I really try. I'm really adaptable. I do all and everything I can to make someone happy. I've either had a nervous breakdown or an existential crisis. I've tried. But never ever good enough. I don't know why? You sound lovely and considerate and I can only say keep being yourself and hope one of theses fuckwits realise your worth? God help us at this point.