iPad at bedtime

[Passmeaplacard]

I know I’m not being unfair to have this view but am I being unfair to be so cross over it?
My husband doesn’t read at all, doesn’t enjoy it and doesn’t see the point of it.

Before our daughter was born we discussed the importance of reading and he promised he would make an effort with her. He never has, I can count on one hand how many times he’s read a book with her.

His tactic for bedtime is to give her the iPad and sit with her until she falls asleep. I hate it so much but there are many other problems with him as a husband and a parent so I’ve had to let it go. We alternate bedtimes and she adores reading books with me.

Tonight she’s expressed so much joy that it’s bedtime with Daddy and she gets the iPad instead of books with me. I’ve lost it and hidden the iPad. please reassure me it’s not normal to put a 3.5 year old to bed with an iPad and never read to her. He thinks I’m out of order and she is learning just as much from a screen as a book.

He's lazy and doesn't deserve a child. You get out what you put in and she deserves his effort not ignoring her.

I say this as someone who hates reading out loud, I feel so uncomfortable doing it and often stumble over words - 5 mins feels like 50 but I do it for my child

His tactic for bedtime is to give her the iPad and sit with her until she falls asleep.

She's 3.5yrs? This is just terrible parenting tbh. No excuse for such laziness. Reading a book to a three year old takes minutes. And even if he doesn't want to read, an iPad until she falls asleep?

A lot of the time I'm all for each parent doing their own thing and the other not criticising and controlling it. But I'd put my foot down over the iPad.

Nope, not normal at all!! He's lazy and doesn't care about her. I've read to my son since he was a baby and now he's 7 he still enjoys it. I do it every night. When DH does it, he isn't a natural reader and my DS jokes he sounds like a robot 🤣 whereas I'm much more natural. (DH isn't being lazy, he's never been an easy reader).

YANBU. He’s lazy and doesn’t give a shit what’s important for her.

There’s some research that suggests the light from a screen affects the quality of sleep. As a minimum, you should insist that the device is in night mode with the brightness turned way down.

The idea of reading at bedtime isn’t to “learn” as much as to set up a nice, calm routine, with time to bond with your DC. Letting her play games or whatever on her own isn’t a great way to promote relaxation and sleep. It also sets up the expectation that she can have devices at bedtime when she’s older and putting herself to bed, which is a really bad idea.

I’m sorry, OP - your DH is being a bit shit, but you may have a battle on your hands to get him to see it.

Ffs hard no to the iPad. Do some research on screen time for kids. Worst thing you can do before bed. Even playing quiet game or having a little chat will do if he won’t read. But a story for a 3yo will take 5 minutes!

Nope not good enough. Sorry but I’d have put a stop to it a long time ago - by either getting rid of the iPad or doing bedtime myself (assuming that you’ve told him to stop it before now). But that’s not the biggest problem - it’s that he clearly doesn’t care how strongly you feel about it and that continues to do it. It’s bad and lazy parenting. Your daughter deserves better.

No screens 2 hours before bed. The light disrupts circadian rhythm
https://www.sleepfoundation.org/how-sleep-works/how-electronics-affect-sleep

Audio book they could lie in bed together and listen?

Agreed.

If he was choosing to put her to bed by singing a little song with her and having a chat, but not reading, I'd think that was fine and just an alternative bedtime routine where she bonds nicely with her dad. The iPad isn't ok.

What a rubbish parent he is. Your child will grow up thinking screens at bedtime are normal - think how hard it's going to be getting their mobile off them when they are 12 or 13.

Thank you I really appreciate the replies, men have a way of making you feel crazy! This is typical of his parenting style and sadly why I can’t bring myself to have more children with him even though I adore my daughter.

Have same problem with my partner. Says I'm dramatic for hating my ds (4) being on the ipad. The rare nights i go out and he always puts him to bed with ipad despite me saying how much i disagree. I travel 2 hours to family every weekend and 2 hours back, ds never has ipad. If he's in car with partner he'll scream if he isn't given ipad straight away even for a short journey because he knows daddy will give it him.
Ds loves reading and his room is full of books. Partner like yours doesn't read. I have dyslexia and still love to read. My dad always read to us every night and i have such nice memories of it. When your child grows up they'll remember and love you more for snuggles and book than just being stuck with an ipad.
Also my ds is a very active child, has problems with sleep and challenging behaviour at times, gp suspected adhd so he sees a support worker who is assessing him. Support worker has told my partner that

Screens have a detrimental effect on any children but particularly children who may have adhd.

She's not wrong because if ds has been somewhere with partner whenever he comes back i can tell by his behaviour whether the poor child has had an ipad stuck in front of his face or not ☹️

What is she doing on the iPad? Playing games or listening to an audio book?

I still read every night to my 7 yo. He can read by himself now but I really enjoy it. We’ve moved on to some ‘harder’ books that I read to him, we chat about the story. Your DH should feel ashamed of himself.

My 3.5 year old hates books- says they are boring etc etc. my compromise was a Tonie box. I can’t say he listens to the stories but he loves the music and we have a special bedtime song one. My husband gives him the iPad every night ans every night I take it off him- it’s super lazy. In an emergency I understand it, if they’re poorly etc but every night is too much. Sending solidarity in the battle against lazy dads!

No iPads at all for a 3 year old! I’d get rid of it or hide it somewhere for a few years. Tell her it’s broken.

Unnecessary, potentially addictive and damaging.

He’s worse than useless, you’re right.

I love reading together with my DC but they can read themselves as well. You'll have to endure really enjoy the school books they send home soon enough so best get into the habit.

If not a book, you could try and audio book.

I'm not going to be mean and comment on the parenting style but at least you recognise how improvements should be made.

Just to clarify my daughter gets 3-5 books read to her every other night when I put her down. It’s the nights my husband does that involve the ipad
I know the easy answer is to put her down myself every night but I have a lazy husband and a very demanding career so I’d rather not give up one of the few things he does. I obviously will if this continues
He sticks a film or tv show on it and passes it to her.

Get rid of the i pad? Then he will have to read/talk to her at bedtime.

I honestly think he would go and buy another iPad if I got rid of it, he doesn’t care about money. I will just have to be firm about it

There's lots of research that shows how beneficial reading to children is in terms of their development. The opposite is true for screens. I would get rid of the iPad and maybe use a yoto instead? But tbh any adult should be able to read a book to a 3yo, even if it's just pictures and no words and you make up your own story.

Would a compromise be to play an audiobook through the ipad, with the screen face down so there's no blue light in her face?

That is awful. I'd be absolutely fuming. 3 year old shouldn't have an iPad full stop, it's sad.

Just point out to him that an iPad at bedtime is way, way less than ideal. In fact, it comes with a few risks. No-one (kids or adults) should be interacting with screens within 30-45 minutes of going to bed to sleep. The backlit screen will over-stimulate the eyes. Relaxing with a book or, better still, quiet talk in a low-lit room will give a better experience for everyone ... but, moreso, the pre-schooler.

You are right to try to convince him. Any of your mutual friends able to intervene? What about a more experienced parent or family member?

This is what I came on to say. I love reading but some people really don't, especially reading out loud. A good compromise is to download some audiobooks. Buy a Bluetooth speaker to play the audiobooks through so she doesn’t have screen time at bedtime.

In Australia we have the ABC listening app that has bedtime stories for young children, music and meditation for young children. Do you something similar in the UK?