Birthday wishes from everyone except parents

[Dramallama91]

I just feel sad

Heard from everyone, old friends, DPs family, god parents, siblings etc.

But neither parent has phoned or texted (they are divorced) .... So I feel double forgotten about.

Mums been chatting away to my brother on the family WhatsApp about his holiday, so she's not too busy to send two lines in a text.

I've spent the day checking my phone like some stupid school girl.

Im an adult I really don't expect lavish gifts/cards etc and due to the time of year my birthday has always been a bit of a non event and I'm fine with that. But this has really knocked me for six, I feel like a disappointed child.

AIBU

Happy birthday! Hope you have had a nice day despite this 🎉🎁

It sucks that they haven't been more proactive, have they acknowledged your birthday at all? I wouldn't hold a grudge because that's not me but I would learn from their behaviour- not stress myself to make an effort on their birthday or giving more energy than they would me.

Birthdays at Christmas are horrible, even worse when you're very very low expectations are not given a 2nd thought. I'm not sure whether I'd be tempted to message them and say something like, you do remember it's my birthday? The day of my birth, you as my parent should remember that day, No message, no card? I can see that I have reached a whole new low in your effort expenditure. 👌 Thank you so very much.

Then turn the phone off and return the energy on their birthday. No cards, no message, no well wishing, nothing.

Petty, yes.

Hand hold, big hug, and go find someone who will provide you with a hug and a vent and a glass of wine (or coffee) and a nice end to the evening. A film?

A very very happy birthday 🎂

Thank you - yes I'm going to message them both before bed, telling them I had a nice day apart from the disappointment of hearing from everyone except them.

Thankfully DP pulled out the stops from him and the kids and it's been a good day otherwise.

If I did this to my mum I'd never hear the end of it so I'm interested to hear how she reacts.

You’re definitely not being unreasonable, that’s so shit. I’m sorry. Happy birthday!

And when they try to diminish it, or justify why they haven't sent a message, just know there isnt any justification. Have they forgotten? Are you mistaken (!) and its actually tomorrow, there's a big surprise party and you weren't told? No...

Even if a person in a shop or a lift says its their birthday, you wish them Happy Birthday! A stranger, I'm struggling to understand how a parent can not wish their child a happy birthday unless they are NC for some reason!

Is it in the group chat and you missed it, hidden by the holiday chat? and you just breezed over it with Bill chatting the banal BS? Are your parents usually like this?

This sucks.

Do they usually send a message?

Hasp Birthday 🎂 I would be upset/ disappointed too. Do they usually acknowledge your birthday?

Exactly - it's been the same day every year for the best part of forty years.

Dad's been a bit crap at remembering to send cards in time before but has improved recently. He always manages to remind me the day before his wife's birthday so that I remember to text her.

Mum is BIG on any celebration that involves her, and likes to lay it on thick about the importance of family if we have not met her expectations.

Sure we're not as close as I assume most families are, but we are not NC and we see eachother several times a year and phone several times a month.

Also no, not hidden in the group chat sadly, I read it ten times over to check because I couldn't believe it really... :(

Happy birthday ❤️

It's my birthday too! Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday! Don’t message them individually to say you’re upset - do a mix of passive aggressive and rising above. Put a message in the family group chat(s) saying “thanks so much for all the lovely birthday messages and presents! DP has made it such a special day and I’ve had a lovely time.”

Let them each think they’re the only one who “forgot” - hopefully they’ll have a crisis of conscience and scramble to make it up to you.

Well, next time your effort matches theirs. Your dad remembers to make sure you remember his wife's, but forgets yours - well... Your mum, go back through her messages to screenshot some where where she lays it on thick about the importance of family and send that snippet with a big thumbs up gif of Happy Birthday or something equally sarcastic!

Then pack the petty, and go have a bath 😆

Lavish the DH and kids, cherish them and make sure they know you've appreciated them today. Extra hugs 🫂

"Mum is BIG on any celebration that involves her, and likes to lay it on thick about the importance of family if we have not met her expectations." You could turn this back on her and say on WhatsApp how disappointing it is that your parents don't regard family as important.

I would put a message on the family thread. Saying Thank you to everyone who remembered my birthday today. It’s tough to have a birthday at Christmas and the cards and presents are always so special to receive.

don’t let them get away with it

That’s poor from them both.

Happy Birthday!!

The petty part of me would like to send something like “life is so busy nowadays I’m glad we are not doing birthdays between us anymore”

Yeah very true, don't message them separately, quietly in private, do it in the group chat. Exposed

Happy birthday @Dramallama91 🥳

So sorry your parents haven’t bothered, could it be they’re mixed up with days/dates during this time between Christmas and the New Year? I know I am, I’ve asked my husband what day is it for the last few days and could swear it’s the 28th (it’s the 29th today 🤦🏼). But still they should be even more aware of the correct day/date seeing as your birthday is during this time.

i’m still smarting at not receiving a birthday card on my birthday (earlier in December) from a close friend. I always wish her a happy birthday by text on her day and ask if she’s received my card. This year, nothing.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Did you hear from your parents OP?

I did

My dad rang me and basically said 'I'm really sorry, I fucked up, there isn't an excuse and it must have felt awful'

Mum sent a voice note at 10pm wishing me a happy birthday. I explained I was upset, she then sent a bizarre string of WhatsApp messages with several excuses, all about her, and not once using the word 'sorry'. I then had to tell her all I wanted was an apology to which she said 'I'm really sorry - will that suffice' ? (I.e. not sincere at all just saying the words I wanted to hear) Followed by 'i guess im such a terrible mother, I'm in floods of tears now, thank you very much'

Drawing a line under it because it's easier to let my mum have the last word and suck it up. But the two different ways they handled it, it's no wonder they got divorced

So sorry @Dramallama91 , and your mum is doing a classic emotional blackmail attempt telling you she's crying to wriggle out of the guilty hole she's dug herself in. She probably can convince herself she's not done anything wrong too, judging from her replies to you.

Drawing a line under is probably the best way and you sound very emotionally mature and steady to be able to do it, if your mum is anything like mine, she'll eventually offer a better apology in person having had time to calm from the initial flurry of panicked excuses ,diversions and attempts at deflection then will want it never talked of ever again. Happy birthday for yesterday :)

Your mum is something! What a cow!

id be mortified to forget my child’s birthday regardless of their age.

“I guess I’m a terrible mother”

well, she got something right!

really sorry you had not just the upset of forgetting, but also the horrid projection of her guilt.

I hope you had a lovely birthday.

What were her excuses?

I'd match her energy and treat her like she treats you. Unless she's the old woman who lived in a shoe, I doubt she has so many children that it is difficult for her to remember all their birthdays. She sounds very self-absorbed and narcissitic.

Thanks everyone - I'm sad but not surprised that she hasn't found it within herself to think 'i've upset my daughter, I need to apologise'

She's more upset that I called her out rather than feeling bad for upsetting me, if that makes sense.

Funnily enough, before all this happened I posted on another thread about what you'd do differently as a parent compared to how you were parented and I wrote one word 'apologise'

She's never ever been able to admit fault and now as an adult I realise I've spent my life backing down, taking blame and being the 'bad one' just to keep the peace when I really didn't deserve it.

Opened up a real can of worms - maybe I'll get myself some therapy for my birthday!