…to want a hand-hold

westeringhome · 2024-12-29T17:51:54+00:00

i have posted about my husband before. I can’t see any of my old threads, they must have expired. He has been abusive for years. I didn’t want to think I was a ‘victim’, and kept rationalising his behaviour. After doing many ‘am I being abused’ quizzes, and realising all my boxes ticked ‘yes’, I have accepted that I am. I put myself through nursing school, got a job so I could save a bit, got a new job which meant I rely on him in no way to look after the kids while I work. It has taken years. Today he is drunk again, and abusive to me, as he was yesterday. I spent my time upstairs getting a mortgage agreement in principle, of my own. I can now look at houses. He has enjoyed the fact in the past that I have had no means of my own, and the marital home is in his name, so he knew I was stuck. But now I’m not. I feel scared but empowered. But also guilty for some reason. Has anyone else been through this and came out the other side stronger. Thanks

ringmybe11 · 29/12/2024 17:56

Just came on to say well done on what you've done so far. My situation was a bit different - an ex who I wasn't married to and had no children with was also abusive verbally and emotionally and it took me ages to see it accept it and leave. I was embarrassed to share details of what went on to close friends or family as deep down I knew it was wrong. Fast forward several years and it feels like a lifetime ago. Not once did I regret my decision and life improved dramatically within days. It didn't take long to get used to being in a house on my own and I got used to him not being at the end of a phone or there for company within a couple of weeks.
You can do this

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 29/12/2024 17:57

Oh op you sound amazing.

I'm about 10 years out of my abusive marriage now and only just feeling 'normal' again.

I know you've got everything sorted yourself, but I absolutely recommend getting in touch with WA as well, they can help support you in the aftermath of leaving. Most areas have support workers who can advise you on home safety, the emotional toll and just pop in for a cuppa and a chat if need be.

It's so hard to tell if you're relationship is abusive when you're in it, they aren't horrible all the time, it would be easier if they were in a lot of ways because you wouldn't have any good times to cling on to. When you're totally out then be prepared for a lot of emotions and questioning.

All the best, it will be the best thing you've ever done 💐

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 29/12/2024 18:00

OP, you sound phenomenal. Congratulations on getting yourself into the position where you can leave your abuser.

Michnmartc1234 · 29/12/2024 18:02

I’ve not been in a similar situation but wow, you’re amazing, well bloody done! You’ll feel
alot of emotions but they will fade as you start your new chapter in life x honestly in awe of your strength, send a hand hold xx

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/12/2024 18:04

Gosh that's incredibly impressive.

Will you be doing g a moonlight flit or will you tell him you're leaving?

Just thinking about your safety when the time comes.

SUPerSaver721 · 29/12/2024 18:06

Well done, you can do it. I left over 7 years ago and it's been the best thing ever. You are strong and can do this.

Forgottobuymincepies · 29/12/2024 18:09

Not a mortgage but I secured a tenancy.. Dh was absolutely stunned I had the nerve to leave him. Never looked back and wish I had done it sooner... Well done op. A new life is very near....

Pleasegodgotosleep · 29/12/2024 18:11

Well done you, you can do.it!!

Gem359 · 29/12/2024 18:27

Wow OP, well done for working so hard to get yourself into this position. If you are married and it sound like it's been a while then it makes no difference whose name the house is in as I understand it. Make sure you get what you are entitled to - half his pension too potentially.

Original poster

westeringhome · 29/12/2024 18:27

Thank you all for the encouragement. It’s good to hear other experiences of positivity. My sister and adult son knows what he does. I agree with the difficulty in telling family members, as I didn’t want awkwardness at family gatherings. So it will probably be a shock to them when I tell them I’ve left him. He even covertly bullied me on Christmas Day when we were all at the table, by saying things that he knew only I would understand the underlying meaning. Regards safety, I will have to make sure I have all my precious and important stuff out of the house before I leave. It would have to be a moonlit flit as who knows what he might do. And i have too much belongings to take it all in a one-er, so maybe will just have to sacrifice some of it, small price to pay. I will definitely seek legal advice too, and will contact women’s aid which might be hard at the moment as we’re both off for a fortnight. He’s currently in the kitchen with music blaring, playing and singing songs that I know are directed at me (think pity/f**k-you style songs). Can’t wait to be done with this. Not long to go I hope.

OP posts:

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 29/12/2024 18:31

He sounds atrocious and the whole situation sounds so frightening for you. I hope you can get out as soon as possible

Confusedmeanderings · 29/12/2024 18:31

OP you sound amazing!

Fannyfiggs · 29/12/2024 18:33

Bloody well done OP ❤️

What a horrible bastard your H is. Men like that should have abuser tattooed on their forehead to warn other women to stay away.

Just do what you have to to keep yourself safe until you get out. Sending you lots of love and strength.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 29/12/2024 18:36

westeringhome · 29/12/2024 18:27

Thank you all for the encouragement. It’s good to hear other experiences of positivity. My sister and adult son knows what he does. I agree with the difficulty in telling family members, as I didn’t want awkwardness at family gatherings. So it will probably be a shock to them when I tell them I’ve left him. He even covertly bullied me on Christmas Day when we were all at the table, by saying things that he knew only I would understand the underlying meaning. Regards safety, I will have to make sure I have all my precious and important stuff out of the house before I leave. It would have to be a moonlit flit as who knows what he might do. And i have too much belongings to take it all in a one-er, so maybe will just have to sacrifice some of it, small price to pay. I will definitely seek legal advice too, and will contact women’s aid which might be hard at the moment as we’re both off for a fortnight. He’s currently in the kitchen with music blaring, playing and singing songs that I know are directed at me (think pity/f**k-you style songs). Can’t wait to be done with this. Not long to go I hope.

If you have your sister and adult son on side then start sneaking out important things when you see them, anything very precious, photos, documents, small belongings that he won't notice are missing.

As hard as it is, the day before you leave just act normally, I started cooking something in the slow cooker for tea that night to throw him off the scent.

You can email WA, you can set it so their emails go into spam as well which makes it easier to hide for now. They will be a massive help.

Make sure when you leave that you're signed out of every device in the house, and that he hasn't got any sort of tracking on your phone or other devices. I would arrange to change your number and get a ring camera as well, you can also get indoor cameras pretty cheaply.

Once you have all of the irreplaceable things out of your house then everything else isn't important, you can replace furniture, and food and electrics.

Every time he starts his shit between now and leaving just don't do anything that's going to provoke him further, just remind yourself in a couple of months you'll be totally away from him and his crap, in your safe and secure home to live in peace.

romdowa · 29/12/2024 18:36

westeringhome · 29/12/2024 18:27

Thank you all for the encouragement. It’s good to hear other experiences of positivity. My sister and adult son knows what he does. I agree with the difficulty in telling family members, as I didn’t want awkwardness at family gatherings. So it will probably be a shock to them when I tell them I’ve left him. He even covertly bullied me on Christmas Day when we were all at the table, by saying things that he knew only I would understand the underlying meaning. Regards safety, I will have to make sure I have all my precious and important stuff out of the house before I leave. It would have to be a moonlit flit as who knows what he might do. And i have too much belongings to take it all in a one-er, so maybe will just have to sacrifice some of it, small price to pay. I will definitely seek legal advice too, and will contact women’s aid which might be hard at the moment as we’re both off for a fortnight. He’s currently in the kitchen with music blaring, playing and singing songs that I know are directed at me (think pity/f**k-you style songs). Can’t wait to be done with this. Not long to go I hope.

Could you sneak stuff out to your sisters a little at a time to try and save more of your stuff?

DelphiniumBlue · 29/12/2024 18:37

Well done, and don’t forget that if you are married you are entitled to half the house and anything else.
Once you are safely away, consult a solicitor to see how you can force a sale and get what you are entitled to.
If you think he will be vindictive, don’t tell him or anyone your new address.
You may come under pressure to disclose it, but hold firm on that.

Incakewetrust · 29/12/2024 18:39

You are amazing OP!
Leaving my abusive relationship was hard, I won't lie and I even had many urges to go back for a year or so as I felt that I still loved him and maybe it wasn't as bad as I had thought.
Well, thank god I didn't go back! I look back and wonder why I stayed for so long and how I put up with the abuse for so long.
I promise, you will feel free too. It might take a little while but you'll get there.

I've been married to my wonderful husband for nearly 10 years and am so thankful that I finally know what it's like to be in a healthy, loving relationship where I'm never scared.

You have a long and happy life ahead of you! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
We're all rooting for you xxx

FarmGirl78 · 29/12/2024 18:53

Be aware that if you share any financial products with him he will be able to find your new address if he gets his own credit report as you and your addresses will be on there too. My OH had a hairy few days after escaping his abusive ex, between their joint house being sold, him buying his own and the credit reference agencies removing their (historical) financial link. It was a nervy few days hoping she never checked before the link was removed. Luckily she didn't, and still doesn't know where he lives.

The bank were also excellent when they knew the situation so as to keep him safe.

Original poster

westeringhome · 29/12/2024 19:04

I will definitely utilise my sisters help in squirrelling things away. I have the advantage of having one day off during each week when the kids are at school and he’s at work, so I will use that time to organise my escape. He’s a total snoop so it wouldn’t rake much for him to find out where I was living once I left. And my young kids would tell him, and I definitely wouldn’t ask them to keep any secrets. Although access to the kids will be another nightmare as I would have to have some assurances that he wouldlnt be drunk. He has absolutely no concern about being drunk in charge of them, hence why I hunted for another job that meant he wasn’t ever in charge. He’s up on a Drink driving charge and has been out drink driving a further 3 times in 3 weeks since he got charged. I despise him for this and have been scared to call 999 as he will know it’s me, but I will do it next time. As there will be a next time.

OP posts:

Original poster

westeringhome · 29/12/2024 19:06

My kids think he’s fun as he’s drunk playing this loud music, it is sad that he’s using young kids as his sidekicks for his solo pissed-party. He just praised my youngest for joining in. They have no idea 😢

OP posts:

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 29/12/2024 19:10

westeringhome · 29/12/2024 19:04

I will definitely utilise my sisters help in squirrelling things away. I have the advantage of having one day off during each week when the kids are at school and he’s at work, so I will use that time to organise my escape. He’s a total snoop so it wouldn’t rake much for him to find out where I was living once I left. And my young kids would tell him, and I definitely wouldn’t ask them to keep any secrets. Although access to the kids will be another nightmare as I would have to have some assurances that he wouldlnt be drunk. He has absolutely no concern about being drunk in charge of them, hence why I hunted for another job that meant he wasn’t ever in charge. He’s up on a Drink driving charge and has been out drink driving a further 3 times in 3 weeks since he got charged. I despise him for this and have been scared to call 999 as he will know it’s me, but I will do it next time. As there will be a next time.

How old are your dc op (don't give specifics if you feel it's unsafe to do so). Teens? Under 10?

I would start reporting, anonomously, each time he drink drives. You could even, if you don't feel safe reporting, have a signal for your sister to report. Maybe send her a specific emoji or something so she can call before he even leaves the house.

You're going to need to build up a picture othis drinking for access arrangements. If they are young kids then supervised contact might be an option for now.

This is all stuff you can discuss with WA, and they can point you towards the right resources for any help you may need. They can also help with supporting your kids, depending on the ages.