If one parent is a shift worker and one 9-5, how do you balance family life?

[pollypeggy]

I am currently on maternity leave from my 9-5 job in the public sector. DH is a shift worker and does 3 or 4 12 hour shifts a week.

AIBU to think returning full time to a 9-5 will be very hard when the other parent works shifts? Pre kids me and DH would often be ships that pass and some weeks spend little time together. I could be working Mon-Fri and he would have a couple of weekdays off, then work the whole weekend days. It’s not even as though we can work it to our advantage with childcare as most settings require you to understandably commit to the same days each week regardless of changing shift patterns.

I can definitely afford to return 4 days but I’m thinking 3 might be more sustainable, to make sure I A) have enough time with my baby and B) have a decent chance of having some time as a family to spend together, as this won’t be every weekend

How did everyone else in this situation manage?

Not me, but my parents did. It was tough and you don't see much of your parents together. If you can make it work financially I would absolutely work part time for as few hours as possible. We weren't in that position and relied a lot on the goodwill of neighbours and friends (retired or had one parent at home all the time) to step in on childcare as therewere no relatives near by. I look back on it and think that now most families have both parents working, that is less likely to be an option as they have their own juggling to do

Thank you. We do have family support near but still working so wouldn’t want to rely upon them too much.

Three days a week is ideal if you can manage it. Four days you end up doing a five day job packed into four. It sounds like you could end up being on your own over the weekend. Is there anyway that the shifts could be fixed to help with childcare?

My parents had a similar set up and DM worked full time but also had an understanding manager who let her WFH around my naps as a baby. I don’t know how she did it and can’t imagine it tbh. I think she ended up working very late into the evenings

It would be quite tricky because of the nature of his job. He could possibly ask for one weekday to be guaranteed off per week but that’s as much as. DM would do another day, and if I worked 3 days I’d do another two. That would mean just one day of childcare needed

Just bumping

These are logistics that should have been sorted by now. It’s extremely tough. You will see little of each other. These are the joys are being married to a shift worker.

Why should they have been sorted by now? Our baby is brand new, I won’t be going back to work for nearly a year, hence why we are starting to think about it. Of course we thought prior to TTC but I just assumed working full time would be fine, before I understood the reality of what it’s like to be a parent

He could put in a flexible working request for set days/ shifts. If you can work three days a week that would perfect.

From my own experience I'm not sure 1 day of childcare is a good idea. You might struggle to find somewhere anyway as everywhere we looked at was 2 minimum. 1 isn't really enough for your child to get into it, get the most out of it and it would almost be like disrupting a routine rather than being part of one.

If you did 2 days childcare then you would have the flexibility to either have one day a week where all of you were at home or put baby in childcare and you get a day a week with DH.

Another thing I'll add is that when you go back to work it focuses you into making the most of days off so although 1 day a week doesn't sound like a lot you'll find arrange more and plan what to do with it rather than days just rolling into each other.

I had this, DH used to work irregular and unpredictable shifts, including overnights. It was a total pain, not only for child care (we had to get paid childcare for all the time I was at work, even though DH was often at home) but for things like booking events, socialising, even kids clubs...if you book Saturday mornings but then DH has a Saturday as a day off then you still can't go and do family stuff on the rare time off together unless you skip the ( paid for) class. You end up being the one who facilitates any clubs, and you can't bank on DH being around to take DC1 while DC3 is being put to bed by you...
If there's anyway DH could get a job with regular hours,I would be encouraging it.

We did it. I used a childminder that was happy to take baby as and when needed and I paid a retainer to hold is place for the rest of the time. DH would have the baby on his days off, if he was days (12 hour 6-6) I used to drop DS to childminder on way to work and collect on way home.
If DH was nights the baby would go to childminder until DH woke up then he’d collect baby.
DH was frequently tired, we both were. He worked varying shifts over the years, we then progressed to using breakfast and after school clubs etc. He often didn’t go to bed straight off nights - he’d take them to school first then go to bed.
You just manage, we worked as a team and got it done. ‘Kids’ are 24 and 21 now - we survived!

Forgot to add, we had another baby 2.5 years later and again used childminders etc, nursery took DS full time at 2.5 years old. It was hard but we just worked around each other and managed it as best we could.

My parents did opposite shifts for the first 12 years of my life. 18years of my oldest brothers life. 6 - 2 and 2 - 10. Was the only way to manage child care and responsibilities. They had 2 weekends a month together and all of us as a family. It was hard but when we were together it was lovely and we spent loads of time building memories.

It suited us fine.

I would say though fannying around with one person part time and one full made it more difficult. Childcare doesn’t work like that and it really stretches you trying to fit shifts round part time childcare. Another option is for both of you to drop a day- my colleague made this work really well- she had Mondays, he had Fridays, and childcare 3 days. Much less impact on one person.

we looked at all the options but in the end we got a full time nursery place and both worked full time. Dh did the drop offs when I was earlies/nights and the pick ups when I was lates. It meant he was in slightly late or left a bit early a couple of times a week.

i would keep them at home if I was off, or drop at lunchtime if I was lates.

yes they only averaged 3.5-4 days in nursery, but 5 days wasn’t much more expensive than 4 as the nursery did a discount for full time. The flexibility though saved our sanity on many occasions. If one of us needed to catch up on sleep, was unwell, needed to do diy, Christmas shopping, overtime, fill in for sick leave, any other emergency, having childcare in place was a life saver. Proportionally we were better off on a full time salary and full time nursery place- pt childcare took up more of a pt salary.

also a few years down the line I am in a much better position- career hasn’t stalled, I am earning more than I would have had I stayed pt, and the effect on pensions is not to be underestimated.

pt seems great but look at the long term effect on your earning potential and your pension.

Hey OP - same set up for us. As of new year I’ll be 3 full days Monday to Wednesday and my husband does rotating shifts. There have been times I’ve worked full time office hours while my husband worked shifts (and 2 out of 3 weekends). It’s tiring coming home from work, putting child to bed etc. through the week and then alone with my son at the weekends. It feels on the backshift weeks as though I don’t get much downtime. My husband pulls his weight during his days off- meals preps, sorts house etc.

The good points- 1) shift workers can often drop kids off at school/pick them up during the week. On average our child is with one of us more than kids whose parents both work office hours.
2) I like my own company on occasion so when husband is backshift and my kid’s in bed I get the house ‘to myself’. Trash TV and bath bomb galore 😂
3) if you’re financially able (and want) to do part time hours then you can get some great family time during the week. Soft play/farm parks etc. are busier on a Thursday than a Saturday! If you keep those hours when child is school age you also occasionally get 6 hours together as a couple

Yes we have this set up. I work M-F 9-5, DH a full shift pattern. We have no family nearby to help. Honestly it’s really hard being the 9-5 worker. We have had to put DC in full time nursery as no childcare options nearby allow flexibility around his shifts. He does drop off/ pick ups when his shifts allow, and does often pick DC early when he can to spend one on one time. However, if his shifts fall over the weekend, he gets days off during the week and DC is still in nursery. Which I have to try really hard to not resent as those weeks I have absolutely no time to myself. We also have to make a real active effort to make family plans when DH is off the weekend.
We have just had DC2 and DH is arranging a move to a new job to work day shifts only, and I will be returning 4 days a week after mat leave to make things a bit more equal!

We are a shift worker (including nights/weekends with a rolling shift pattern) and 8-4 mon-fri worker.

When out first DC was born I dropped to 4 days per week, we used nursery for 2 days and was lucky for family for the other 2 (unless it fell on DH rest day).

No childcare could work around his shifts so we ended up working it all around mine and using nursery when DH was at home.

The same applied when we had DC2 and, now they are both at school we used wraparound again around my working pattern. I have now swapped to a term time only role, but 5 days a week.

It means that yes we do pay/use days where we don't need any childcare, but it's a case of sucking it up unfortunately as not many places can work around individual shift patterns.

In relation to seeing each other, some weeks we literally have a relationship via WhatsApp, however as it's been like this since the DC arrived they are used to it and yes they miss Dad when they don't see him, they know it's only a couple of days until they do (he works 12 day ir night shifts, quite often getting in before they wake or having to leave before I finish work and so they are at wraparound). Other weeks work out that we are working the same days and have a weekend together.

It's tough, but doable, and once you are settled into a routine of working/childcare/school it becomes the norm and yes you will be busy but it can be done, also it means in our case that housework/shopping is done in the week if the DH is on a rest day, taking that weight away from me whilst I have the DC alone at the weekends.

Personally I wouldn't ask DM to do a day childcare. I'd keep her willingness to help for a weekend when DP is working and you need some help or for emergencies when either DC is poorly.
If DH can get a fixed day off and you only work 4 days you can split childcare between you and/or housework for those days you are off

Working 9-5 and then cooking and cleaning will be hard at first so you need a good routine between you both and being a team.

Personally I wouldn't work less than 4 days as you need to earn. Would you be able to go back full time when kids are older and in school?. Could you do 5 shorter days now so you have time to shop etc while DC are in childcare?