To stop buying presents for family that don't say thank you or make an effort...

[Theuniversalshere1]

Which is all my remaining family?

My mum and dad have passed... 8 always make an effort with my brother, sister and neices.

None of them made an effort to see me this year, I spent over 250 on presents. Got no thank you apart from off brother and either. Little money or generic cheap gifts in return.

I wouldn't be so bothered but I reach out to meet up and get nothing back.

We haven't fell out but my sister is in what most would deem a bad relationship and used to open up to me a lot about how bad if was. Her partner can be verbally and emotionally abusive. It's normalised in his side of the family where there is a lot of abuse, some physical. Where he isn't but is verbally and emotionally.

His mum thinks my sister should look after him, she is very old school and since my mum died has been a presence in family life but I keep my distance as I find it toxic.

It's like they are all quite right-wing and I am left wing.

Since my dad... then mum passed, she doesn't talk about it anymore. I wonder if that has had an effect and why she has not wanted to see me this Christmas. Mum passed in summer.

We live about an Hour away from eachother.

I think my brother is just typical male and not too bothered.

It has just really played on my mind this year. Its made me cry a few times as we used to be close, I just cannot fathom why she hasn't wanted to see me.

I feel I need to create distance for my own sanity.

Bump.

Hi OP,

On the gift thing I don’t think you should give with expectation of getting something back. It defeats the purpose and becomes an exchange. I get that if no one gives you anything back though it’s very noticeable and feels a bit empty. If you want to just make this year the last year or just do nieces from then on. I agree that men are typically not great at gifts and don’t really prioritise it in the same way.

It’s very sad about your sister - it sounds like she’s withdrawn a bit since your mum died. Can you ask her to go for lunch or something? Or have you tried that? Maybe gently let her know how you are feeling.

First Christmas without your mum must be really touch ❤️

What has right wing and left wing got to do with it? Why did your sister stop talking to you about the problems in her family? If you keep your distance because her family life is toxic perhaps that's why she doesn't want to see you?

If you find it all so hard then you could take the out that's offered to you?

In the way that our side of the family, mum and dad were very Liberal, my dad was a balanced man and didn't put on my mum.

Always voted lib dems.

Other side of family love reform, gb news, Donald trump etc. Very right wing, misogynistic and xenophobic views.

Where my sisters bfs side of the family is very misogynistic or internally misogynistic. All men are served upon, abuse is ok and minimised.

My sisters stopped speaking probably cause since my mum died she's been around that more.

Maybe I'm too different and the black sheep now parents have passed.

Yes I have tried but she is always too ill or too busy. It is very out of character for her and my neices not even to say thank you for gifts.

I am concerned but it has been affecting my mental health, its really difficult.

My partner and I cannot fathom any disagreement or falling out or anything at all. The only thing I can think is distancing because of these differences.

Maybe try to arrange something low key and close to your sister. Say you really miss her and hoping to get a chance to see her more in the new year?

Sometimes better to give people a call than texting.

i have 4 siblings, i am no contact with 2 and low contact with 2. i send cards at christmas to all out of duty, but recently started to follow someone on insta who posts about toxic family relationships and i have realised i'm wrong for sending cards to the 2 i am no contact with. .

1 of my siblings, its not really a case of low contact, its just a case of we just don't keep in touch. we follow each other on social media, comment and like stuff etc and if and when we do have contact, its like we spoke yesterday, we both just have our own lives and families so no falling out, just different paths.

the other sibling is confusing. she gets in tough close to holidays or events, so she will be in touch near to her birthday, as a reminder to send her a card and a gift, and when its gone she will go quiet again, same with christmas, she will start contact about november, make it clear she's got me a gift to ensure she also is going to get one from me and now christmas is over, i won't hear from her again until she needs to show me where she's gone on holiday. all very petty, all very 'look at. me' and i've decided this year I'm just not going to be drawn into it all.

in answer to your question. I stopped buying gifts for those who don't acknowledge me many years ago. i don't buy gifts to receive and i now buy gifts because i want too not because i want to be thanked and fawned over

Thanks for replying.

I get that.. it isn't for wanting gifts back with me.

It's just the non acknowledgement like you said, that's hit hard.

It's really hard, i never thought I'd be in this predicament. However here I am. Hard to learn this life lesson but I will make peace with it.

Yeah I might do, I have reached out 3 times but nothing back really just generic texts of would, but too busy or too unwell.

Sometimes you got to figure out how many times to out hand in fire of keep getting burnt?

Do what is best for you. Just because someone has no manners or self respect does it mean they can inflict it onto you or drag you down to their level..
Tust your gut