Borrowed Trifle bowl broke

[outthereandbeyond]

AIBU? My cousin lent me her trifle bowl for a dinner party. She took it off the top of her shelf where she said it had say for about 10 years unused. It was black with dust.

anyway, washed it up and it would work for the dinner. I noticed it had a slight hollow sound and glass unusually thin.

anyway, I used the bowl for the party, just before serving, it fell apart in my hands. The stem broke off from the bowl. We had to serve from a saucepan. It was all a bit of a laugh.

Next day I call cousin and say ‘I’m incredibly sorry, bowl broke, I’ll replace it asap’.

she starts saying, ‘oh it was sentimental. Please replace it quickly’.

I say ‘ I can’t replace the sentimentality for you. But I will replace it as soon as I can’. Anyway I spend the next few days running to about 10 different shops, charity shops, look online and nothing similar. I tell her ‘I’m having issues but will get there’. She then says ‘I’ll send you a link to something’. I say ok. But inside I am thinking what the Fk! This bowl say unused on her shelf for a decade and I said I’ll replace it asap!

after a few days she text me to say ‘don’t worry’ but by this point, I have found something and frankly I am annoyed at her expectation to replace something sentimental she hasn’t used in 10 years.

my cousin is known to be a hoarder. She’s one of these people that drives around looking for free junk in peoples gardens. Her house is like a charity shop with dozens of mismatched chairs, cups saucers.

anyway, I returned the new bowl, along with the pieces of the old bowl for her ‘sentimental value’.

I have a few pieces of tableware that were my grandparents "best" set. I haven't ever used them, but I'd be quite upset if any were broken, especially by someone else.

@zingally that is precisely why you should use them, make something lovely, use the bowls and take photos. And if the worst happens, you have memories and pictures. Otherwise they may become your trifle-bowl in the future and that would be a shame.

She then says ‘I’ll send you a link to something’. I say ok. But inside I am thinking what the Fk! This bowl say unused on her shelf for a decade and I said I’ll replace it asap!

It sounds like she wanted you to understand that replacing it mattered to her, it carried a weight for her that it didn’t for you. She might also have been anxious that it couldn’t be replaced given she’d had been with you while you were looking for a new one for yourself. You were thinking “what the fuck” which suggests you didn’t get the importance to her.

Hoarding is a horrible condition to have and to live with - she could have had 10 trifle bowls and that one would still matter to her in a way it didn’t to you.

This.

I think it's very telling, OP, that your first thought to receiving a link to replace the bowl was to think "what the fuck?"

Yes, it's likely not a big deal to you, but even if she wasn't a hoarder, she's still entitled to have items that hold sentimental value and to expect them to be replaced to her expectations if she lends them out and someone damages/breaks/loses them, is she not?

You say you were fine with replacing it-but yet your attitude seems to be verging on "She's had it for 10 years and never used it," giving off the impression that you don't think you should have to replace something that wasn't used. No.

I'm not a hoarder (but I do collect things and I have a lot of things I feel attached to) and if I lent something out that mattered to me, I'd be pretty upset if someone broke it and then had the attitude that they shouldn't have to replace it or replace it to a sufficient standard to be considered a like for like replacement.

Your cousin being a hoarder bears zero relevance here, aside from explaining why she may feel a particular attachment to a trifle bowl that has sat unused for ten years. It doesn't negate the necessity for you to replace the bowl that you broke.

It seems that you're trying to conflate the two issues when they are, in fact, unrelated.

Yes of course. But it had an unusual shape and I was trying to find like for like.

You are absolutely correct! The plates and bowls from the set we do use within our own "every day" collection.
But we also have bits like a huge serving plate, a milk jug and a gravy jug. Just things we don't really use. You are right though, perhaps this should be the year we try and use everything at least once.

Thanks for your input. My ‘wtf’ reaction was that she wanted immediate, like ‘that day’ assurances that she’d get it, even though I said I was looking.

her addiction to ‘stuff’ does have some bearing on the situation. Because I believe I was doing the right thing, but her anxiety over replacing it started and was more intense the force of doing the right thing, and trusting me.

anyway, iM not disagreeing. The right thing has been done now. I just wanted to get an external opinion. Thank you

I'm not sure I understand your problem.

She hasn't accused you of not replacing the sentimental aspect of the bowl. She hasn't asked you to replace the sentimentality. She's asked you to replace the bowl like for like. Which you have done

Telling you its sentimental is her explanation for why she wants it replaced.

Whether your cousin is overly attached to her bowl is not really your problem to comment on. You broke it, you replaced it

It is solved. I think I’m looking for justification to think her addiction to stuff has got to a point where she is blinded to even reasonable outcomes. As a family we’ve tried to gentley guide her. But it’s not our problem as a lot of people have pointed out

Why was the trifle in a saucepan?

If it wasn't trifle, then why did you need a trifle bowl?

If I broke someone else's bowl
(a) I would be horrified
(b) I would be apologising immediately
(c) I would be replacing with a suitable bowl as soon as possible.
Whether I thought they were overly attached to the bowl or had too many things in their house would be irrelevant - this is to do with my personal standard of behaviour.
I would not be thinking 'wtf' if they sent me a link to a replacement

Thank the Lord it wasn’t an Emma Bridgewater one.

No no. Not moaning to replace the item. Moaning that her addiction to stuff was stronger than her ability to see that I wanted to replace it.

Moaning that someone who is inundated with dozens and dozens of similar items was so worried not to have it back within days, despite it having sat untouched on a shelf for 10+ years.

In hindsight, I don’t really know what I’m moaning about. I am pissed with years of her obsessively buying shit, and that the bowl was already broken that it fell apart in my hands. I’m pissed that I returned it, and spent hours during the busy Xmas period trying to replace it. Just moaning. That’s all.

@bluegreygreen i did all those 3 things.

my WTF moment was when faced with her insatiable appetite to have her bowl returned quickly even though I was doing A B C. My wtf is faced with this addiction to needing stuff.

my cousin used to be an alcoholic, and through the grace of god, got through it, but her addiction is now turned to ‘possessing things’. This is infinitely more healthy than drinking. For which I am grateful. But my WTF moment was a realisation that her ‘addiction’ has once again got in the way of a relationship evolving in the direction a healthy relationship would in this situation

The hole you dug is just getting deeper.

Nasty.

You think? 😂 how so?

if you can articulate without being nasty yourself, then please… I genuinely wish to understand

I am not nasty and I respect people, their posessions and their privacy.

I also know how to apologise and mean it.

You borrowed it, you broke it, and (I think this is key) "it was all a bit of a laugh". I am willing to bet that when you told her about it, she could tell that you had found the breakage of her possession to be amusing, which is why she reacted as she did.

my cousin used to be an alcoholic, and through the grace of god, got through it, but her addiction is now turned to ‘possessing things’. This is infinitely more healthy than drinking. For which I am grateful. But my WTF moment was a realisation that her ‘addiction’ has once again got in the way of a relationship evolving in the direction a healthy relationship would in this situation

I genuinely think you need to look at your response to breaking her possession more critically, instead of being so determined to pathologize her response.

We ‘had a laugh’ about trifle in a saucepan you daft bint. Not about a broken bowl

I will do. Thank you

Why borrow off her if you know what she's like with her things ? And why think what the fuck all surprised when she wants it replacing ? I wouldn't have borrowed glassware anyway.

Yes. You’re right. It’s deep. Every situation comes with context which cannot be expressed in a couple paragraphs. I 💯 respect her things, that’s why I did apologise, immediately and followed up with an apology, and why I replaced it in a matter of days.

Some people on mumsnet so quick to be nasty and hide behind anonymity.

I can imagine a WTF moment in response to an insight to someone's addictive behaviour, especially if it has been an ongoing issue in the family.

The tone of your OP was much more careless and dismissive. It may be the intended tone did not come over in text.

What's your 'am I being unreasonable?'
You borrowed a bowl: not unreasonable.
You accidentally broke the bowl, accidents happen you said you'd replace it: not unreasonable.
Your cousin had sentimental value to the bowl: not unreasonable.
Your cousin initially asked you to replace quickly: not necessarily unreasonable.
Your cousin had a change of heart and said don't worry; kind of sweet of her really: not unreasonable.
You're pissed that you wasted time looking for a replacement over Christmas, and then she said don't worry? Well things like this happen and you are being slightly unreasonable at this point. She didn't change her mind to piss you off, she just needed a bit of time to think things through....or maybe she found something similar in a charity shop, and purchased it?
You found a replacement and gave her both the new and old one back; not unreasonable.

No need to call someone a 'bint' your OP was slightly ambiguous, and could be interpreted that you laughed about both the breaking bowl and the saucepan.