Unappreciated !!

[Rikkichillout22]

I have been with my wife for over 40 years now and during this time have always put her on a pedestal. Generally anything she has wanted she has got and I have gone along with most things 'for the quiet life'.
However, over the last 10/15 years things have slowly changed in our relationship and I now find I am in the following situation that I would REALLY appreciate some honest comments/feedback on, whichever side of the fence you may find yourself.
I know I am not a faultless person and have been told many times that I'm not a looker.
I Manage/administrate all the household finances/bills/insurances etc
(Wife wouldn't have a clue how much her car insurance/road tax was, or how much utilities were. (And would say "why do I need to know that?")
I do all the laundry (wash/dry/iron/put away)
I do all the cooking (and subsequent clearing up)
I compile the shopping list and then do said shopping.
I change the bedding etc.
I clean toilets/bathrooms.
I play Taxi driver for HER siblings
I even epilate her legs for her.
(In the winter hair can get 1cm long but it doesn't bother her "nobody can see them".....errr....hello!!!)
When we had our latest washing machine we had had it for 11 weeks before (after staining a white top) she asked to be shown how to use it
(it had digital controls and was not straightforward)
We had the air fryer well over 4 months before I had to explain it's workings !!
(If I've forgotten any 'chores' then take it from me I do it/them)
I am an upbeat chap who loves music so will always have the radio on as I go about. I am now not aloud to whistle/sing in the house because
"I don't like it and don't want to hear it".
Unfortunately I find myself doing it without realising and this leads to many rebuffs!
I am not allowed to cuddle up to her in bed, for which she has a myriad of reasons/excuses.
(On my part NOT for any sexual advance, just showing/seeking affection)
On that subject, I ALWAYS have to initiate sex.
(which makes me feel so guilty) In the past I used to occasionally initially suggest/ask and in the end am embarrassed to say pleaded for her to spice things up a bit by wearing stockings or some heels or a short skirt. I was told in no uncertain terms that this was a perverted act and have been reminded many times that I am perverse. Don't go down that Avenue anymore !
(Tell someone something often and they then believe that!)
Really need clarification from the community on this one please.
In the past when I have suggested she wears a specific item of clothes that I thought she looked nice in, she responded with "I wear whatever clothes I want to wear, NOT what you want".
I do respect that stance to a degree and after hearing it a few times never dared go there again.
She hardly ever wears make up anymore (some mascara maybe couple of times a year!) and if we are going out to the theatre/dinner etc. can be ready in literally 5 minutes.
However if going out with her friends she does the full glam works for well over an hour and looks great. (This really, really hurts me. I tell her how great she looks as she leaves, hoping the next time we go out she will adopt this version...but no)
Over the years, sometimes in a very upset state, sometimes just touching on a subject that has pushed me too far, I have got the courage up to talk to her to try to address things but she has always responded on the front foot and ALWAYS includes these 3 lines that will sit in my head forever,
STOP MOANING !!! (honestly I don't)
YOU SHOULD LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT !!!
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE ME !!!
I have been fed these lines many, many times over the years.
It hurts me that she can be so disrespectful to me in letting me just do all this stuff without her feeling any guilt.
As I write this after again only getting a few hours sleep, tears now rolling down my face because of this situation, (happens periodically -too often), I accept that I have probably caused this problem by being so submissive over the years.
My head is so frazzled as I ask myself, what do I actually get out of this relationship?
Thank you for taking the time to read this and I will be so interested to see if responses validate what I see as my next move or wether I'm told to just suck it up.

Well, you have traded being with a good looking woman with being treated like a slave. Only you know if it's worth it for the occasional shags you get ( although not in short skirts and heels)
I'd suggest finding a less good looking woman that you can appreciate as a person first and foremost and then you might get the attention you're looking for.

You sound like one of those couples with the b*tchy wife and the lovely husband. I've known a few of them. I do wonder why anyone would marry those women and how they put up with them! I'd get out if I were you. Life's too short to be with a person who doesn't appreciate you.

Are you both retired? What does she do? Are you expecting her to be a mind reader? Over the make up issue, for example, if you want her to wear it when you go out, say to her, “Last week when you went out with your girl friends, you looked so lovely - why don’t you put on some make-up when we’re going out? It’s possible she simply doesn’t realise you want her to.
If you want to cuddle up in bed, have you made clear that this is just for closeness and not to initiate sex, if she isn’t keen? Some women’s sex drive really tails off after the menopause.
I don’t think she is being “disrespectful” to you in allowing you to do all the chores - I would imagine it is something that has slowly crept up. I would feel incredibly guilty if, for example, my DH had to do his own laundry, and the only time he’s made a bed since we were married was once when his DC came to visit unexpectedly and I was away - but clearly this doesn’t apply to your DW - so let her know you’re not happy about the situation. Is your wife even aware that you are unhappy, or would it come as a bolt from the blue? I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with her about how you feel unappreciated and unloved, and what you are going to do about it. Forty years is a very long time to be married, and you need to let her know that you feel taken for granted. It’s not fair, for example, that you do both the cooking and the washing up - but if she has got into the habit of letting you do it, you need to tell her that it’s not OK for you to do everything. What is it you would like her to do? You have to be clear what it is that you want. You sound as though you are ready to move out - clearly, you would be able to manage on your own - but is that what you want? Anyone you meet at your age will necessarily have baggage. I really think you need to have a heart to heart with your wife, who is probably unaware of your feelings - and let her know that while you might have felt lucky to have her in the past, this is increasingly not the case. Maybe consider couples counselling before making the huge step of throwing over your marriage - forty years of shared past is a lot to lose.

You both sound awful. Ok you do the chores but some of the things you mentioned don’t paint your views about women in a good light. She snaps at you and treats you like a butler. Sounds miserable all round!

Life is too short...leave.

It all sounds pretty miserable and I agree with a pp that we all know a couple where it’s a bitchy, high maintenance, never happy wife with an easy going, lovely husband.

It’s a real thing and you’ve just become conscious of it after all these years.

FYI - she’ll never be happy even ‘if you do that thing’
In my experience, and I really don’t know this about your wife, these are also the women who have affairs.

Also, find your voice, stand up to her, tell her she’s a lazy cow, tell her how you feel. Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I’m presuming you mean dressing up for him etc. I think that’s really unfair on op.
Would you be happy if your dh made no effort with appearance m when he’s around you yet pulled out all the stops when out with others? It’s not a gender thing, it’s a reflection of the level of respect and love in the relationship

You shouldn't be doing all the chores. She's a lazy freeloader. However, she can wear what the hell she likes and that includes her makeup. The bottom line is that she's just not that into you. You need to decide if you want to live this way or move on.

If my partner or husband asked me to dress up in short skirts, stockings and heels to "spice it up a bit" my immediate reaction would be to want to punch him in the face. Do you not realise how crass that sounds? The thing about epilating your wife's legs is just, well, I can't even think of the right word. I think you both sound awful. You could try some couples counselling but ultimately only you know if the degree of unhappiness you experience is too great to remain married. If it is then you should leave and remake your life so that you are happier.

I don't see anything obnoxious in the husband's behaviour. Asking to wear a piece of sexy clothing in bed is not asking for some bestial act. OP you need to contact a charity that supports men in domestic abuse situations. There are quite a few charities. It sounds you might be suffering from emotional abuse, which is a recognised form of abuse. Contact one of the charities and go from there

It does come across like her appearance isn’t good enough for you as she is but then again, I do understand where you are coming from. She acts as if you are not worth making any effort for. I think at worst she has no respect for you, and at best she is taking you for granted, assuming you are so long married that she no longer needs to try and please you or look good as you will love her regardless.

I think you need to sit down and you need to communicate better, ensuring you’re careful with your words. Ask her if she is still happy in the relationship and what you can do to make it better? Her answer will determine if you should try. Then when you talk about your feelings, use ‘I feel’ statements to avoid coming across accusatory.

If all else fails, just tell her calmly and respectfully that you want a divorce as this is no longer working. It will either be the catalyst for change, or you will be free. Win, win situation in long run. I do think it will be difficult after this long though.

Thanks for your comments on this. I am very sensitive whenever I get the courage up to try and discuss most of the pointers you suggest.
That is what ignites the "Stop moaning" etc responses.

It would be very difficult for you to break out of a 40 year old pattern of behaviour without outside help. I do suggest you contact some men's charities. They should be able to point you in the right direction

she doesn't sound very pleasant to be around tbh and sounds like you are completely miserable in this relationship, being a good husband doesn't mean pandering to everything she wants it's about balance compromise and mutual respect and love, this doesn't sound like that. apologises if I'm completely out of line in these assumptions just going by your op. she should be contributing equally to the domestic load, as ye are meant to be a team this needs to be discussed esp since you are already feeling resentful, that feeling will only get worse. you aren't wrong in wanting affection and effort from her, however having said all that some of the language in your post makes me uncomfortable, the part about the make up for example. women don't wear make up for me, we wear it to make us feel good about ourselves, perhaps she feels comfortable with you to be her authentic self or perhaps you asking her to dress up /go full glam or whatever makes her feel inadequate or that you don't find her naturally attractive. these are all guesses of course the only way to improve upon these things is to talk to your wife and see if she is on the same page as you and wants to sort things out or else carefully consider if you want to stay in this relationship. all the best

Just split up. Honestly. Life is FAR too short. She's not that bothered with you, you don't get anything out of it either. What's the point?
You can each then go off and find someone more suited, or just be happily single.

She sounds awful, however none of us are living in your house experiencing the other side of this relationship.

I suggest writing her a letter and asking her to discuss it once she's ready. Or ask her in the letter, to write you a letter back.

If she starts screaming at you, just be calm and say "I didn't mean to upset you, this letter was not meant to be hurtful, i have to express honestly how i feel in order to provoke a truly honest conversation to move this forwards. I hope that you're OK and that we can discuss this once your emotions are not so raw. I want to disengage at this time because I don't think having a screaming match will do us any good in the long run." She may find that incredibly patronising, but sometimes when someone reacts like a child, you have to treat them like one.

Firstly, stop doing her share of the housework. Then choose your next steps based on her reaction. You'll see if she's keeping you around as a servant of sorts.

Are you my dad? He’s been taken advantage of his whole married life by my mum and everyone can see it except him. I Remember years ago telling him that no one would blame him if he left her.

it sounds like she is taking advantage of you. It’s up to you whether you’re happy to accept that for a quiet life (like my dad frustratingly appears to be) or whether you want to do something about it.

This is terrible advice, in my opinion. The man is clearly abused. Very few people (either men or women) can tackle abuse without outside help. The wife treats OP as her unpaid servant, uses derogatory terms and shuts him down every time he tries to approach her amicably. If the poster was a woman, she would have been pointed towards solicitor/Women's Aid from the first reply. What good for the goose is good for the gander.