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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please help me work out how to escape abusive relationship

7 replies

Needhelptoescape · 29/12/2024 05:17

It has taken me far too long to realise that my relationship is toxic and abusive. If I wrote down the things that had happened you would be thinking I'm crazy not to have seen it before. I was just so desperate to make things work for our children but now I'm at the point where I know I need to leave for them. There is no physical abuse but definitely emotional and mental, he's a functioning alcoholic and it is like living with jekyll and Hyde because he can be amazing but I'm constantly walking on eggshells because I never know when he'll be angry at something that another day he might have been okay with. He'll put me down as well and I think there may be a level of financial abuse going on as he is obsessed with money and as our relationship has progressed I've gone from being a professional with a stable job and good career and equity and assets behind me to struggling to work full time due to the stress at home and my assets have become joint due to him encouraging me to sell things to buy other things together.

We have 2 shared children but also 2 step children who live here full time. We have house with a mortgage that is in both of our names, I put in the lions share of the equity but stupidly did not legally ring fence this. We just moved into this house 5 weeks ago, we previously owned and lived in another house together but we sold and moved area. We are not married. I am due to start a new job in our area after Christmas however it is only a temporary job until summer (I would hope it would be continued beyond this but currently don't know that). The job is only part time, 3 days a week. Our two shared children are due to start nursery in our area after the holidays, his two older children already started school here 4 weeks ago. We dont have any family in the area and only very new friends. My family live a couple of hours away. I could go to stay there and tonight after he was being awful to me I packed bags for me and my children with the plan to get a train down in the morning but I would need to come back to start this new job, jobs in my field are difficult to get in the area my family live in just now. Ideally I would like my partner to leave but I know that he won't and he will be able to use my step children having started school here in his favour to argue why he should stay in the house. Accommodation in our area is very limited so I won't be able to find a rental. I don't know what I should do. Would I be able to apply to the council for emergency accommodation in these circumstances? I don't feel like I can wait around too long as his behaviour is quickly becoming worse and I'm becoming scared of him and I just want to get my children away from here.

OP posts:
Needhelptoescape · 29/12/2024 05:18

Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble, I have been awake all night trying to work out what to do.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 29/12/2024 05:52

No harm in contacting the council regarding accommodation

HelenaWaiting · 29/12/2024 05:54

You need to contact Women's Aid, they'll help you work through what you need to do. I'm sorry you're in this situation; it sounds awful.

Marieb19 · 29/12/2024 06:04

Make an appointment to see a solicitor and a women's aid / refuge. Does his older children have contact with their mother?

runrugrun · 29/12/2024 06:04

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would second the advice to contact women's aid as soon as they open today. Do you have a family member or friend you can confide in IRL? You may feel trapped now but I promise you that there will be a way through this and you are stronger than you know.

Please be very careful in hiding your intentions and change of heart. Leaving is the most dangerous time with abusive men and when they think they're losing control, behaviour can rapidly escalate. You need to stay safe and be aware.

You will get through this and your post shows how clear thinking and strong you are.

Needhelptoescape · 29/12/2024 06:10

Marieb19 · 29/12/2024 06:04

Make an appointment to see a solicitor and a women's aid / refuge. Does his older children have contact with their mother?

They haven't been having contact with her for the last 6 months but there is a plan in place for contact to start up again at the beginning of the year. Living with her wouldn't be a viable option for them as she is even more abusive than my partner.

OP posts:
Needhelptoescape · 29/12/2024 06:13

runrugrun · 29/12/2024 06:04

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I would second the advice to contact women's aid as soon as they open today. Do you have a family member or friend you can confide in IRL? You may feel trapped now but I promise you that there will be a way through this and you are stronger than you know.

Please be very careful in hiding your intentions and change of heart. Leaving is the most dangerous time with abusive men and when they think they're losing control, behaviour can rapidly escalate. You need to stay safe and be aware.

You will get through this and your post shows how clear thinking and strong you are.

I have a very supportive family in many ways but my mum is very much in favour of keeping the family together and any time I've spoken to her she will really push me to staying with him and working through it. I have other family members I can speak to but I find it hard to admit some of the things that he has said and done. They would definitely be supportive if I did choose to speak to them about it though.

OP posts:
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