To find my wife's attitude annoying / depressing

[Carmes]

She is constantly telling me how other grandparents treatment their grandchildren.

Today I was told about a friend whose parents paid for her daughter (their granddaughter) to go to private school. Another person's in laws paid for their grandchild to on a gap year.

I know these comments were digs at my parents but I remained silent because I didn't want to start an argument. She makes these comparisons all the time and it's tiring because if i respond we'll end up arguing.

My father picks up our grandchildren and has also gifted up money for our first house. I think they are very loving and involved parents.

I want to call her up on her comments but I feel the moment has passed. I also cannot comment on her parents because she will get upset.

What is there to argue about ? What are your DW’s expectations - maybe you’ll just have a chat about it all.

Why are you so sure that your wife is having a dig at your parents? Why would she expect them to pay for things and not her parents?

Yes, where are her parents in all this?

Though it’s not necessarily a hint to report on someone else’s good fortune.

She is comparing the amount of money some granparents have spent on the grandchildren against what my parents have spent, and implying that they haven't been financially supportive as others.

She will become incredibly defensive if I push back against her assessment and that leads to an argument.

Have her own parents being financially supportive ? Have you explained that your parents offer practical support and have different financial priorities ?

Push back and tell her to STFU about your parents.

Has she always been a grabby cow?

We are Asian, so the grandparents are expected to support their son's children rather than their daughter's. Her family haven't provided any financial support because they are unable to, and because the have a son, whose children they will be excepted to support somehow.

We've had a short argument about this earlier this year: her telling me about someone who purchased a house for their child and unfavourably comparing my parents to them. It was a short argument.

She has since reverted back to telling me what other people have done for their children / grandchild without explicitly mentioning my parents.

Tell her times are changing and it’s up to the two of you to fund your children’s lives until adulthood. Do you both work?

Was she misled in her expectations?

Gray rock is your friend here. Stop trying to counter with facts or defensiveness.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, my dear."

"I can see that it bothers you."

"Mmm hmmm."

"Uh-huh..."

You could also respond directly with, "Would you like to sit down some time and talk about what's behind your comments here? I can hear that something is preying on your mind and maybe talking about it would help."

There's clearly some kernel of emotion behind all of her carping. What is she really feeling here - insecurity, financial anxiety, resentment due to an old hurt, etc...

If you're not living in Asia now, why does she expect to continue to behave as if she were there?

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do", after all.

I wouldn't fund my grandchildren.

That's my children's job to do.

My children and my grandchildren will have a hefty inheritance when I'm gone!