Should I stay or leave

[buba123456]

I have been feeling quite empty and unfulfilled for a while now in my marriage.

Mainly due to having nothing in common with my DH.

We barely chat about anything apart from the children.

He has very limited hobbies, just gaming (his work is providing technical support online for gamers). He is good with DIY but not motivated. Good cook but hardly cooks.

0 friends, just my friends to socialise with. Don't talk to his family at all (overseas). No exercise or in to any sport whatsoever.

Very passive in everything, I do all the planning, holidays to social to big financial decisions.

I earn double him, he is hard working but very illiterate in terms of finance and doesn’t want to learn anything. I’m on the other hand keen to invest, has a lot of knowledge and I do try to learn - we are in a fairly good financial position due to me started investing in early life.

Good dad in terms of taking them picking them taking them to activities etc. Do care for them greatly. But nothing else really, dont read or teach them anything. All on me.

Big issue - I dont find him attractive anymore.. he also has PE problem and doesn’t want to go to GP to fix.

I have had counselling privately for myself, he doesn’t want to do couple therapy but after lots of honest conversations he has tried to do more in the house, improves his hygiene (it was disgusting before).

He is trying but I’m constantly feeling irritated when I’m near him. Just don’t want to break up the family because we don’t argue much now, do things as a family together okay still.

Kids are 3 and 11.

I’m just feeling I’m missing out, cant see myself living with him for the rest of my life, also he is the only sexual partner I have ever had. Don’t have much sex over the years and honestly feel like I’m ready to leave just to experiment and find more joy to my life before I’m getting old.

But would it be too selfish when he is trying to change? And break the kids’ hearts? And I might end up being single and lonely for the rest of my life? He does loves me very much still, does care for me but we have very different personalities and goals in life..

Has anyone left and regretted?

Is love enough for you? If yes, then stay.
If love is not enough, then leave.
Are you staying with him for the kids? If yes then I can assure you that this is never the answer. Your kids will not want to see their mother miserable.
Will you regret missing out on life? It’s very short.

If you are unhappy, then my advice would be to take a break from one another first. Separate for a while and live in different accommodation. Being single is not all bad
. I’m happier now single than I was in a previous relationship 🙂 Good luck op

I only read the first line - leave. You will make everyone unhappy if you stay as this will only get worse.

Thanks but he has tried to put more effort in since I started talking about me wanting to leave. I’m just not sure I can find that spark again..

Thanks makes lots of sense, I need to see how I handle the childcare and work as I do work a lot.. but I think this is the way to go for me.

try a trial separation for at least a couple of months as not doing it long enough will not give you a proper understanding… do not stay on children’s account as happy parents make kids thrive but parents tolerating each other will not bode well if you want your kids to have fulfilling relationships in the future, they will think tolerating a partner is the norm, they need to see love / affection / respect etc.
you sound like your finances will be ok so it’s really your choice as you only get 1 life so make the most of it whilst you can …
good luck 🍀

Thank you, yes finance should be okay. Only thing is the childcare arrangement as we are both immigrants - kids have no other family support nearby. It will be tough on the kids but I know we are both good parents so hopefully be okay.
DH is still in a very denial state, thinks I’m childish and not talking sense.

if your DH thinks highly of the children he will help their mother as much as possible… he should not only want to see them as much as he can as he should be missing living without them but also he should be trying to ‘win’ you back and prove he’s worth wanting back… as time goes on you never know he may enjoy the separation (although in my experience most men enjoy it for a week or two then want their ‘skivvy’ back to clear up /do washing/cooking/shopping for them)
You will know if you truly miss him or whether you think you get on better as friends … one of you may think differently than the other but you have to do what’s right for you…just a heads up but if you are going to separate i would tell him you want to do it for longer than you need (to realise) as a lot of men just put on a friendly act for a few weeks then go straight back to before… it’s a lot harder to keep up the pretence for months

Appreciate this, I went back to my country twice this year with the little one.
One time for 2 months and once for 2 weeks without him.

Honestly I did not miss him at all, he works from home full-time and I do lots of remote work too which doesn’t really help as he rarely goes out of the house!

But I’m planning to separate next year when I can - it will be a shock for the children though..

I would consider very carefully the effect on the DC, especially the older one, and as they have no extended family support network.

I couldn’t inflict step parents or a ‘blended’ family on my DC having being brought up with them and having been part of one myself. You may be underestimating how tough it will be on the DC and the long term effects.

Most DC just want to feel secure in their home, and with their parents, and think little about their parents relationship unless there is lots of conflict or domestic abuse.

Of course, you have wants and needs of your own as you are quite entitled to have, but you had DC with this man and your first responsibility is to them.

The grass is not always greener and some things can’t be taken back.

I’d be making it very clear to your DH that unless he accepts you’re not happy, agrees to try couples counselling, seeks medical support for PE and picks up more slack around the house, then you are done and give a time limit of 6 months. Put it in writing. I’d be trying everything rather than throwing a grenade in my DC’s lives that will cause a fallout for the whole of their lives for the sake of trying sex with other people and being a bit bored/fed up with my DH. Are you expecting him to move out?

i think you have answered your own question OP … and you are not unreasonable for wanting more from your life
All you have to do with the children is be honest and say mum and dad love you both very much but want to live apart…if they ask why (3 yr old prob won’t ask a lot) but just say it’s like an old friend they may have known at school etc who they no longer play with … adults can choose who they want to be around too sometimes … it doesn’t mean we don’t like that person it just means we prefer to play alone sometimes 🤷‍♀️
The more they see that you and DH are ok with the situation (no animosity/arguing) they will see they still have 2 loving parents that want to bring them up to the best of their ability ….

This is exactly why I haven’t made a move yet.

No I’m planning to buy another property (not a good idea if we ended up divorcing..) and perhaps take a couple of lodgers in. Will have two rooms for me and the little one and older DC sharing.

Will live very near each other and separate gradually (so not completely separating yet until kids get used to the routine).

I did had lots of conversations with him - everything I wanted to say I have said. I’m just miserable. Can’t sleep at night. It’s not even his fault.

It’s tough.