AIBU to expect more effort for my Son at Christmas

[Flumpy2020]

AIBU to expect more effort for my little boy at Christmas?

He is 4 years old so at an age where he is really understanding Christmas and super excited. He is the youngest Grandchild by over 10 years on both sides and it feels like it’s a case of ‘been there, done that’ with the whole family and nobody makes any effort for him which makes me really sad

DH parents would rather go out to lunch with their friends on Christmas Day at a restaurant completely unsuitable for a young child. This year they called into our house as they wanted to watch DS open his presents but didn’t arrive until after 9am so he had to wait for over 2 hours from waking for them to
arrive before he could open his presents. They stayed for just less than 2 hours before leaving to get to their lunch on time

When DH nieces were small, Christmas was based solely around their needs and the entire family would go to the local golf club which was much more family friendly

DH nieces are now 19 and 14 and every birthday and Christmas I spend a lot of time and money choosing thoughtful and expensive gifts but have never once received a thank you message from either of them.

This year my DS received no card, gift of message from my BIL. It’s making me want to stop buying for him and his daughters altogether. If he does turn up with a gift in the next few days AIBU to refuse it, after all DS believes gifts are delivered by Father Christmas on Christmas Eve

It just makes me so sad that nobody can be bothered to make any effort now, especially as so much effort was made for the other grandchildren when they were small

Don’t bother buying gifts for them next year. Sat to parents in law no he won’t be waiting for you to arrive to open his presents. But you’re welcome to pop in all the same. He’s a young child who won’t be making a comparison with what nieces and nephews did or didn’t get. Just make Christmas lovely for him and your immediate family.

You have two AIBUs in your post.
YANBU to be disappointed that the GPs don't seem to be making the same effort for your DS as they did for the other grandchildren. Not sure there's anything you can do about it, but it is disappointing.
YWBVU to refuse a present given a few days after Christmas. Lots of people don't say that Santa delivers all the presents. That's just your fairly arbitrary rule, no reason why others have to stick to it.
(If they never give a present you would be perfectly reasonable to stop buying for your nieces).

If you pretend all gifts come from Father Christmas, (why on earth would you?!) your ds won’t notice that he doesn’t have one from his uncle.

Do you know what, I misread your title and was about to say, yabvu for expecting effort from your 4 year old!

Yanbu, op, he deserves every bit of effort x

We don’t pretend that all gifts come from Father Christmas, rather he delivers them all under the tree on Christmas Eve

For context, we spent most of November in hospital with DS who was recovering from major lung surgery but still managed to buy, wrap and deliver thortful gifts to him and his daughters in time for Christmas. He is single, lives alone, works from home but hasn’t managed to buy a gift for his nephew especially when he’s had such a rough year

Are the nieces your BILs daughters? - EDIT: apologies I see that they are -

if they don’t live with him is it possible they say thank you to him and he doesn’t pass it on?
How often do you see them or are in contact with them?
you’re not wrong to stop buying gifts if the relationship isn’t strong and aren’t reciprocated

Yes, they are BIL’s daughters … we don’t see them that often as one is away at University and the other lives with her Mum. They both have iphones which they used to WhatsApp over their present requests but have never once managed send a quick ‘thank you’ message

OP that's rubbish from your BIL. Our families are the same but I would never not buy for their children as it's not the kids fault and ultimately they are the ones that would be hurt.

Also, just need to say...next Christmas absolutely do not tell your DS to wait for GP to arrive to open gifts. Don't put them before your child. Tell them last year didn't work for you so they can arrive later and he can show them gifts if they want to come at 9am. I imagine that was torture for him poor thing

I do appreciate it’s not their fault their Dad hasn’t bought a gift for my little boy but at 14 and 19 they are old enough to at least say ‘thank you’

I guess i’m just annoyed that the effort I’ve put in to making Christmas special for teenagers isn’t appreciated or reciprocated for my little
boy

Yabu

Time moves on and different priorities happen. So what if they want to go out for lunch. It's perfectly reasonable to open their stocking , have breakfast and then open presents later as a family

Unfortunately that's the reality of the youngest child especially when there is a big gap as everyone else is ageing and priorities change its for you to make Christmas special for your son. I wouldn't of made a 4 year old to wait until 9am to open all the presents couldn't he just of opened the present from grandparents at 9am. As for your brother hes single I just think some men are a bit thoughtless and shit at this stuff

YABU to say no to presents. Your child, at 4, is old enough to be told and understand that presents come on different days from different people.
Santa doesn’t need to ‘deliver’ them all.

my nearly 3 year old knows that she is having gifts on different days (celebrations with divorced families various days)

YANBU to expect a thank you. But if it’s something they’ve never been told or taught to do, that’s not their fault… tell their parents! Just drop it in convo ‘oh, did X like her gift? She didn’t say anything about it’

It's not their fault you've over complicated the whole Santa thing.

From now on just tell your DS he delivers the gift he asked Santa for and that all the others are from the people who actually bought and wrapped them.

As for refusing any gifts at this stage, that would be you putting your strop before your DS.

What's more important?

So you have decided what Christmas should be and because people don't play along to your detailed scenarios, they are in the wrong?

Forgive me Op but you come across as a people pleaser. Are you surprised by this comment or have you heard this before perhaps?

I think you have different expectations around Christmas than everyone else in the family which is more of the problem.

Moving forward, my advice would be to simply expect nothing from your in-laws. A token gift will suffice for the nieces but don’t go buying expensive gifts as you are misjudging someone else’s finances if you are expecting the same back. Thank you cards? They are outdated in my opinion. Release yourself from the burden of buying gifts and suggest that you buy sweets instead (something myself and siblings now do each Christmas instead of gifts)

That was a nice thing for the in-laws to want to be a part of grandchild’s Christmas morning. Maybe set the expectation for them next Christmas if they wish to do the same by communicating that DC will open presents as soon as he wakes and that they are welcome to visit anytime but that you cannot guarantee that his excitement means present opening before their arrival. They should understand.

I don’t think that there is any problem in them wanting to spend Christmas Day in a child free zone restaurant. It’s their Christmas Day as much as it is yours and I feel YABU to centre the day around DGC. It should not affect you or DC and if it does you need to make alternative arrangements next time and not be so dependent on them. Let them celebrate the day how they wish to and instead you do the same and focus on making the day special for DC 🙂

I can see both sides of this. It is upsetting the same effort isn’t being put into your DS’s christmases. Equally, the GP’s are 10 years older now, so have probably reached a point where they want a relaxing Christmas Day. Christmas with kids is exhausting.

You say both sides but exclusively then talk about the ILs

With respect, the other GC are teenagers now, Christmases will change. You can't expect them to cling to tradition for your sake when their lives have moved on

You'd also just be throwing your toys out of the pram if you refused gifts. We had to give some gifts out on Boxing Day this year. They were bought and wrapped but we just didn't get chance to drop them off. We just said "oh look what Santa forgot to collect". I remember as a child getting "late" (international extra gifts) presents with "Santa left these at ours by mistake"

Waiting till 9 was a bit unfair. Next year just say "he'll open his gifts when he wakes up, he doesn't like to wait. But please feel free to pop around later anyway"

I wouldn't have made my child wait til 9am, if they missed it they missed it. YABU about them going for lunch with friends, that's their choice. YABU they "only" stayed for 2 hours. YABU refusing gifts. Sounding high maintenance.

You can’t expect them to turn up before 9 am surely! That’s pretty early anyway. Now the issue is not opening presents. You could have let DS open the other presents and left his grandparents’ presents to open later?
And they stayed 2 hours- that’s nice no? Did you want them to spend the whole day at yours?

Yes, your nieces are rude and ill mannered but given that one is at University now surely you don’t have to keep buying presents. Or leave it to DH- presumably this is his brother?!

And if BIL does come with a present, why turn it down. It’s a present- would you turn it down at any other time of the year.

Did you mean to write that your DS had major surgery and was very poorly. As a mum of a medical child, is it possible that given this huge trauma you do want everything perfect?

yabu to say all presents come from Santa. Stupid.

Yabu for expecting people to come early and Yabu for making your kid wait to open presents.

yanbu to stop buying for nieces.

I think your I laws did enough just coming by. I would stop nieces gifts though - in our family we stop at 18 anyway.

Yeah this.

Also coming at 9am is early. They can't all dance to your tune because you have a 4 year old. They're entitled to have Christmas lunch in a restaurant.
It sounds like you've over complicated things by saying all presents are from Santa. That isn't their fault?

They do need manners though, YANBU about that. But you do sound a bit entitled.