What would you do ?

[Buttheads]

never posted on here before but need some advice as really not sure if/what to do but here goes.

My son has been in a long term relationship, who I get on generally well with,however, I believe she’s very controlling.

My son has adhd /asd and although he struggles socially he still would join in at family gatherings and go out with friends.The last time he went out with friends, she spent the whole night ringing and messaging him and when he didn’t respond straight away she became very emotional and told him she didn’t like alcohol or him going out so he hasn’t done anything since.
He started his adhd medication but stopped because she didn’t like it.
He’s gets hyper focused so it’s all about her wants needs etc but rarely does things he likes.
What ever she wants she gets.

He has been trying to save for a deposit so started being careful with his money.She did not like this and started saying she wanted to live her life first, which of course thats perfectly fine,If that’s what she wants to do with her money.
She then started becoming very cold towards him and saying he wasn’t being a great boyfriend as he was being boring with his money.She then started speaking to an ex boyfriend which really upset him and he was really confused on what was going on.
I messaged her asking if they had split up she didn’t respond but immediately phoned my son saying she was down and not herself as some celebrity had died.

They had a chat and decided he had to change so he can only save so much now the rest is for fun.
Just found out he has bought her a 1000 pound handbag and gold earrings a holiday and a whole load of other things for Xmas of course this is his money to do what he wants with but basically means he spent his savings again on her.

I love him but don’t want him living with me forever.I want him to get on the property ladder or move out and have some independence.He earns well for his age and I charge cheap rent so he can save for this to happen or for travel etc not to be spending everything on thinking spending that will make him a better boyfriend and doing everything she asks.
There is so much more that has happened and I have held my tongue as really don’t want to fall out with him.
I think things can be harder when you have Sen grown up children and I understand you have to step back but it is hard when you can see how vulnerable they can be.

So what would you do

say nothing ?
or say something ?

sorry for the long post

Talk about healthy boundaries around money with him. Heathly relationship and how maintaining friendships are important.
Do you have a DP? You can use this as an example for the above.
Encourage him to have conversations with her about the future, talk to him about what he wants and encourage him to get it.

Or you could - Tell him he needs to pay more rent due to costs going up. Save the extra for him - do not tell him you are saving it. Advise he needs to review his saving and fun money to accommodate the new rent costs.

Good Luck OP
He needs to see for himself.

Can you offer to save the money for him so he can't just spend it willy nilly? ADHD means very impulsive particularly around money, maybe politely come at it from that angle?! I have ADHD myself and wish I'd set up a standing order to my mum years ago to save and not be able to touch the money.

I agree with PP.

I would tell him that you are letting him pay reduced rent so he can save. If he’s not saving then he pays market rent.

See if his lack of funds puts her off.

Alongside talk to him about healthy relationships. My son who has ASD is much younger but if I need to explain something to him a YouTube video helps often - he likes it and likes consuming information and facts that way. There are quite a few male influencers talking about healthy relationships. Try looking for one, watch some videos together and discuss.