How do I manage this situation?

[Sockmate123]

Posting here as more traffic.

I am trying to distance myself from my sister. She is a toxic, negative influence on my life. Unfortunately she lives across the road from me, not directly ie I can't see her house but she lives about 100 metres from me.
My mother lives about 500 metres from us. I have been sort of 'quietly quitting' contact, reply to texts but don't initiate them/still give gifts to her kids at Christmas but limiting contact.
The issue is my mother keeps in contact with her so I am hearing bits and bobs and she tells her stuff about me. I think my mother suspects I have had enough of her shit, I just don't want anything to do with her but my mother has her entire life been an enabler of very poor behaviour. It's always everyone and anyone's fault bar my sister.
My mum said today can she tell my sister my DH is in hospital. I said no need because it doesn't affect her and it's nothing very serious. She replied that she doesn't want to keep stuff from her (loves keeping stuff from me though!!) and she has a right to know'.

How do I manage this BS?

Move.
She isn’t going to change, your mother isn’t going to change. The more you lives are enmeshed the harder it is to limit contact. If you live in the same community you may be defined partly as x’s sister, y’s daughter etc. If you stay where you are you will have to take deliberate steps to avoid her and could end up being portrayed as the one at fault

You can't expect your mum not to mention you. That's unfair.

You are all so close why don't you move away?

Why does your sister have a right to know that your husband is in hospital?

Sounds like you need to cut down contact with your mum too. Oh, and move obviously.

Im in a similar situation and am planning to move away

Your mum is sending flying monkeys

Just do not tell your sister anything you dont want your mother to know

Yes, you can't insist that your mother doesn't tell your sister stuff. I suppose the only thing you can do is not tell your mum so much but I can understand why that would be very hard.

My mum said today can she tell my sister my DH is in hospital. I said no need because it doesn't affect her and it's nothing very serious. She replied that she doesn't want to keep stuff from her (loves keeping stuff from me though!!) and she has a right to know'.

Because I'm sick of her shit. Don't tell her anything about me or my family, and I don't want to hear about her. If she asks anything, I don't expect you to lie, but don't offer her any information or I'll stop telling you stuff because it'll get to her.

Why are you dragging your mum into it?

If your DH is in hospital and it's not serious, then she might as well tell her. How is it going to affect you?

Either go NC completely or don't, but leave your mum out of it. She would've had years of being put in the middle of pointless squabbles.

Ask your mum why she thinks anyone has a right to information about you and yours. Answer is they don't.
All you can realistically do is stop telling your mum stuff, it's never as easy as pp saying just move.

You can't control what your sister does, or what your mum tells your sister, but you can' control what you do, and what you tell either of them.

While you're looking for somewhere else to live.

Don’t tell your mum, what you do not want your sister to know. I don’t tell my mum things I don’t want my other parent, grandparents or other family members to know. My mum would happily keep a secret but I would not put that on her.

If you want to distance yourself, moving is a good option. It sounds dramatic but it really does give you back some control over what a person does in your life. They don’t know when you are in, they cannot just pop by, they have to arrange a visit (which you can decline/give excuses for).

You hit the nail on the head. I love where I live and my kids are settled but honestly considering this although angry that I should have to!

It's hard because my in laws in another country and I rely on her to help with the kids in a crisis like this. Then the fact I asked her to mind them I had to explain why...

Good advice thanks

These emergency situations can't come up very often though can they?

We have no family to help in a crisis and have to rely on friends and neighbours so there are alternatives.

So I'd let this one go but limit what you tell them otherwise.

Could you move within the local area, so the kids can keep going to the same school/ activities/friends but you are no longer right on top of your family.

She just doesn't see it with my sister. Since she was very young she excused every kind of behaviour, if she was bullying someone, it was she had low self esteem, when she started smoking at 14 it was that she was 'easily led' when she started dating a drug addict mam tried to say he wasn't etc etc she is terrified of my sister, I have no idea why.
She doesn't tell me anything about my sister which is fine, I don't want to know but then I hear from neighbours oh I believe your sister is pregnant/got a new car/new job whatever.

I dont want to move my kids from schools etc but I'm so fed up

My sister followed me to this road. That's her behaviour, got married at same venue, moved to same road, bought same car, goes on same holidays etc

Could you convince her you are moving to Australia, Outer Mongolia or the moon and see if she moves there while you ‘change your mind’?

Lol good idea!!!

You have to stop telling your mum things and unfortunately also limit certain types of interactions with your mum also. She is also part of the problem here. I had to be selective of what I asked my mother for support with or what I told her about my life. I still took the kids over or did her shop etc once a week but cut out things I didn't want to be shared. Or you could do the other things Nd train your mind to think why does it matter if she knows ( if your sister isn't meddling in your life after finding out things from your mum) if it's just that you don't want her knowing your business then r
That's an option. But if she's the kind that will sabotage your happiness then mum needs to be limited to too.

You have an issue with your mum
You have an issue with your sister
Your sister doesn't have an issue with either you or your mum
Your mum doesn't have an issue with your or your sister.

Have you ever thought you're the problem?

I don't have any issue with my Mum outside of her being afraid of my sister and controlled by her. We are actually very close.

My sister has several issues with my Mum!!

I'm not the problem in this situation no. I am very family minded and on good terms and regular contact with my extended family. My sister has unfriended almost all of our very large family on social media etc she has a lot of issues, she's not easy to get along with.

Thanks for your reply. I think I'm going to have to do option one and limit what I tell Mum which is hard because I'm naturally a very open person and wear my heart on my sleeve...
My sister would use information to run me down to people, use things against me etc