Visiting with SEN

[ChristmasSmash]

More of a 'what would you do?' I have two DC with severe disabilities - autism, Learning Disability, ADHD, non verbal, still in nappies kind.

We spend Boxing Day with my family every year. I kept asking them if they could please come here again (to our adapted house) for Boxing Day, no, they wanted us to go to theirs. I tried to say maybe we shouldn't come, but they insisted. We drove over an hour to get there and my youngest was uncontrollable- smashing ornaments on the floor, running around from room to room, hanging out an upstairs window we didn't realise wasn't locked etc. From a minority of family members there were comments that DC was "just doing it for attention", we "shouldn't let them be like that" and that it was our fault for "letting" them go in certain rooms (it was very difficult to control this, if anyone left a door open, they were straight in and it would require strenuous physical restraint to get them back out again).

At one point I said I'd rather be doing the cooking in the room of adults chatting and drinking than looking after the two DC with my DH, so maybe we could swap. Surprisingly no one wanted to swap. We then had to leave because so much stuff was getting smashed.

WWYD -
A) Not go round again ever with the kids.
B) Have a heart to heart with family (likely to be tense or cause argument) that if they want us to go round they have to actually move ALL the fragile, sharp or poisonous stuff and help us in a practical way.

Note - they very rarely come to ours, apparently it's too stressful...

I'd say a combo of A and B and a bit of C

C) trust your gut. You know your kids best and what is too much for them.

I'm sorry you had such a stressful day and seemingly have family who don't understand the reality of their disabilities.

Stop putting your children through this. It's not working and obviously stressing them out.

Explain to them that you'll be having Christmas at yours next year, explain why and then say they are welcome to come. Leave it up to them.

A, but with a slight adjustment, none of you go round there. My DS is autistic and non verbal, If anyone ever said he was doing it for attention or that my parenting was to blame I'd be cutting contact with that person immediately, no matter who it was.

If this was me I might offer them the opportunity to come over, on the condition they apologize for the previous comments. If they choose not to, they won't see us over Christmas.

So sorry OP. It’s pure ignorance on their part of what the disability looks like.

Although (said kindly) I think you’re absolutely bonkers to even try to take ND kids to someone else’s house for the festive period. Crowds, strange smells, noise, unpredictable things, little space - it’s a recipe for a child’s autistic meltdown. I have an autistic, dyspraxic, PDA, ADHD DS8 and we stay home for Christmas. Those who want to visit are very welcome, those who don’t won’t see us. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you need new rules next year so I vote A and don’t bother with B, because some people will always find it easier to blame your parenting. They’re fuckwits, obviously, but it’s stress you don’t need.

I did feel really upset for my DC. The youngest (smashing) wasn't visibly upset in a NT way but they clearly were not having a great time. That's on me, we should have left before someone actually said "I think you should go". The car ride back was not good.

So selfish of them under the circumstances

absurd when you kindly invited them (don’t go again) you don’t need this stress

How awful your family are to expect dc to adapt to new surroundings when they weren't prepared to get off their arses and visit you... Stay home next occasion. . Offer up an invitation.. If they don't take you up on it then tough shit they miss out..

A! both of DC have complex needs. Often people just don't want to understand. 'Family' are some of the worse. Far kinder for the DC to do our own thing. You don't need family who just judge and don't support you. Screw that.

Having a severely autistic non verbal teen myself I would stay at home if it's going to cause this amount of stress.its just not worh it life is hard enough.

I even sat there in the car on way back thinking, maybe if I bought xyz sensory stuff and put it in relative's house I could visit with DC and create a sensory safe space in a quiet area etc etc, and then I wondered why I was even thinking like that.

A few sensory toys can't change an unsafe house and it certainly can't change an attitude.

How old are the kids?
I think they are often worse somewhere new with different things making them manic.
When mine were younger relatives had dangers like
Washing powder on floor
Tablets bottle lying around
Plant with seeds at low level.
Kettle on towel which overhangs the kitchen counter!

Also in other peoples house dd playing with fire coals and the fire had no fire guard.
My nans cd player

I dont think people could understand what its like having an impulsive kid that also doesnt grow out of the behaviour.
Dc2 also tried ipening the door on holiday at about 18m old.

Bear in mind asd etc is inherited so gp may be rigid about their own space and routine.
Fil wont let anyone else pick whats on tv so thats extremely boring for meand the kids.

Yes and baggage just makes the inevitable early escape harder!

But seriously, if you’re on pins worrying about shitty relatives’ reactions, DC will pick up on it and it will heighten the anxiety for them (ime anyway). Far better to be somewhere you can all relax.

A

You are the expert in your own children and their biggest advocate- do not let anyone guilt/bully you into doing stuff that causes distress to your children and by extension you. It’s not at all unreasonable given your situation that you would invite people to your home rather than take the children to somewhere that they’re not familiar with.

I am angry on your behalf that your own family members accused your children of attention seeking behaviour when they were clearly and obviously struggling and you in turn was struggling with to get the situation under control. It’s even more galling that this is their attitude when all this could have been avoided if they had thought more about your family’s needs rather than just their own.

Late junior school age.

It's everything, the washing powder, the sharp knives, the open windows, the staircase with a balcony bit and big drop, a balcony upstairs often left unlocked, gardening tools, the fireplace, all the glass ornaments, medication in packets on the sides.

It's like having 5 stone, 5ft one year olds careering around.

I think it was right that you tried, and terribly thoughtless of your hosts to invite you without consideration of your children's needs. Now you know that it simply doesn't work.

My family are similar, in that they're always arranging family meetups in restaurants when my youngest is not able to sit still and quietly. I admit that I still try sometimes, and it is a nightmare, but I don't want to facilitate their exclusion where I can help it.

A. My son is the same severe autism / non verbal etc he's 11 now and I pretty much stopped attending these things from when he was a toddler. Tried it here and there on a couple of big occasions like close relatives wedding, and it just doesn't work for us. We've had a few relatives who can't understand it and have given us the cold shoulder for not being able to attend these things, but I've learnt to put me and my son first. The last family gathering we attended I couldn't leave my son's side, as he was upstairs, just doing everything you've already described in your op. The rest of the family members decided to leave all their toddlers with me too, seeing as I was unable to take my eyes off my son, they all dropped their children in the same room and buggered off downstairs to have adult chat together, so I was lumbered with a ton of kids to watch too. Never again!

A and explosive B

Oh my God!!!

Nailed it.

I think you don’t go back there with them, it’s not a good situation for anyone, your DCs getting stressed and your families things getting smashed. Tell them it has to be at yours or you don’t attend.

My ds1 is was similar when younger - he's still severely autistic but has aged out of some of the more destructive behaviour. Unless your family can show you that they do understand the nature of the disability and that you are not 'letting' them do things that typical children would not, there is no point at all in visiting as it will just upset you. They are undermining and belittling you when they should be stepping up to help !

A.

I think you should go

How rude.

Definitely refuse to go next time say visit us or nothing it's too much for the DC.

What is it about coming to your house is it that your family say they find stressful?