Sorry if this is long, I just really don’t know what to do and there’s a few factors involved so I really appreciate anyone reading to the end! And any advice. I’m a single mum to a 4-year-old daughter. I drove 5 hours to spend Christmas with my dad, step-mum and step siblings. Then I had to drive back on Boxing Day to hand my daughter over to her dad.
Christmases used to be great (although always a bit “fake” there’s always been tension bubbling under the surface that no one talks about, which I suspect is the case for many families). This one however was different. My dad is my only “real” family member there, I get on with my step-siblings and on the surface get on with my step mum but they’ve only been in my life since I was 16, but I mainly lived with them until I moved out at 19 (I’m 39 now). All have their own lives and partners now and we’ve become more distanced, although all still get on when we’re together.
Everyone, especially my dad loves my daughter, for him it seems I don’t really exist anymore. He is getting older (71) but is in perfect health physically. He’s always been affectionate towards me and tells me he loves me etc. but he’s hard work. He doesn’t really speak to me anymore unless I initiate a conversation and then I just get one word answers, it’s like he’s in his own head and isn’t bothered whether I’m there or not.
He’s invited me to a NYE party that all the family are going to. I’m supposed to be there from 29th-1st. I don’t feel comfortable going up there without my daughter as I feel like the odd one out and will just be in the way, especially with everyone having a partner and me not. I suffer from chronic depression which I mask and try and seem
as happy as I can (which anyone with depression will know is exhausting) cos no one in the family acknowledges it. I’ve asked my step siblings if they want to hang out on 30/31st but they’re all “busy”. I suspect my dad may be depressed or just getting old but after observing him around other family members he is much more chatty/affectionate. I just feel like a pain in the arse to him and a disappointment since I had a mental breakdown a few years back when my partner left me and have been too ill to work since. Although I’m getting myself back on my feet and have started volunteering when I don’t have my daughter and doing a training course with them that’ll hopefully lead to paid work. I told him about this but he just grunted in reply.
Sorry for droning on but my dad is a master manipulator and if I say I’m not coming he’ll say something like “you’ve let down everyone and you’ve really hurt me but if you’re comfortable with doing that then you do it”. Yet he’s stopped showing me any kind of affection, doesn’t say he loves me anymore (when he always used to) and doesn’t really make me feel welcome in his home. He is extremely emotionally shut down so I could never talk to him about this. Again he’d turn it back round on me and say something like “you’ve really hurt me by saying that, I don’t know what you’re talking about”. We’re complete opposites- he’s extremely stubborn & cannot talk about any emotions or feelings and I’m very sensitive and, atm fragile and I hate letting people down. If he is depressed I’d love to help him but he’d never admit it and be angry I asked.
Despite feeling like the odd one out with my step siblings, I imagine we’ll all have a great time on the actual night as we’ll be drinking and we generally all have a laugh together. It’s the days inbetween I’m worried about. Feeling awkward in the house, like I’m in the way and feeling so distanced from my dad and like I’m always disappointing is making me dread it. Also the journey there and back will be horrendous. My step-mum also won’t understand and think I’m being ungrateful. I’m pretty socially withdrawn atm due to a difficult time so the alternative is spending it alone at home with my cat, which tbh feels like a relief.
Just wondering if anyone has any advice on excuses I could give about why I can’t come or just about the situation in general. Thanks so much for reading if you got this far!