New Year Fantasy: Has Anyone Ever REALLY changed their life?

[NewYearNewL]

I've had a tough few years recently - becoming a carer, giving up work and several bereavements. I am very lonely, still grieving some of the deaths (one is very recent) and feel adrift in life. I feel like this is a time of transition for me and need to find some newness and new directions.

At the same time, I feel that this maybe a fantasy. You know that way when people obsess about something specific - say losing weight (I've been there) - and think once they lose weight their life will be perfect. So they do it, and turns out things are just the same as they were and it wasn't the magice cure-all it was expected.

I've been reading around finding a new direction and some stuff about just follow your passions whatever they are as it will lead to new stuff.

I suppose my AIBU is to wonder whether you can actually really ever change things and if so how? do you know anyone whose done it? done it yourself? any advice?

In a slightly different way to I think how you mean, but once upon a time I was a manager with a great salary, with a gorgeous house that was previously the village chapel, a sleek black convertible....and I was miserable as anything.

Worked out I could work a minimum wage job and buy a house back where I grew up, where family and friends still lived. Put house up for sale and started job hunting. It look 6 weeks but I found a great job with far less responsibility and stress than I currently had, found a buyer for my gorgeous house and had offer accepted on a decrepit doer-upper back in my hometown. Family and friends were all thrilled I was moving back. I drove 'home' with my car crammed full of belongs the night before my new job started feeling very very naughty and wildly irresponsible to have been so ridiculous to have chosen happiness over salary and status. I'd wanted to do it for so so long, but finally realised that the only thing stopping me was me giving myself permission. 10 years later and every now and again driving through town on my way to work I still get that naughty little rush of adrenaline that I let myself choose happiness.

@FarmGirl78 wow! that is exactly the sort of thing I meant. I'm blown away you made this happen for yourself. how brave. and what an inspiring story.

A couple of years ago I was living with an abusive partner, parenting his 3 young children and my own daughter. I eas too unwell to work because of the effect of his behaviour on my mental health. I was struggling with weight gain and I didnt see or speak to family or friends. I couldn't leave because he'd made me give up my own home.
Going into 2025 Im single, have a new home of my own in a different area, I'm back at work, I'm going to therapy, I run every other day and go to the gym, he's being prosecuted for what he did to me, and I'm back in touch with friends and see people regularly

That was 10 years ago, and the job I actually got was better than minimum wage, and with annual increments I've managed to drop down to 4 days a week about 4 years ago. It's been bliss and a great work/life balance. However the role is now changing after a merger and so now after a small chunk of inheritance I'm actually preparing to do the same again, and step down to an even less stressful job in the charity/voluntary sector. I've figured out I can use my inheritance to pay myself the shortfall in wages and it will JUST last until retirement. It'll be tight, and I'm shitting my pants as to whether it's a massive mistake, but I won't know unless I try.

Quite odd in our family in contrast.....my DB is always plotting for his next promotion, next car, extension, what profits he can get from his company without shareholders kicking off, how to earn more money etc, and I'm plotting the opposite...how little I can get away with earning so I can spend my time doing things 🤣

I find@leia24 's sorry much more motivational and inspiring than my own. I don't have children so my flight of fancy would have only come crashing down on myself if it had been a wrong choice. Leia took guts and courage in making a (totally right)change that had a direct impact on little ones she was responsible for. Stepping out into that unknown is far more applaudable than what I did. And especially from a starting point of being trodden down and crushed. Massive respect to you Leia24! Well done! May your bravery and strong will continue. xx

I’ve recently been in a similar place to you. I think the trick is to start small. Would really recommend reading Atomic Habits because it’s a lot more achievable and can lead to big changes. And maybe sit down and think about some things you’d like to achieve eg making a new friend, travelling across the world, learning a new language and see how the small things can fit into the bigs things.

Oh this is such a beautiful message, thank you so much!

Lots of changes for me in the past two years!

• I left London after living in the city for 30 years, sold my flat and bought a small terrace that needs a lot of TLC in small seaside town. All this took about 3 years from deciding to sell to moving into my new home.

• I finally cut off toxic relatives and friends. The last straw was being assaulted by a male 'friend' who I made the mistake of dating.

• Started going to Pilates classes every week

• Learned to use a sewing machine and do embroidery

• Planted my first vegetable gardens and dug up a small pond in my garden

• Learned as much as I could about DIY to save on costs while working on making the house more comfortable

Basically I was having lots of health issues, hated living in a big city and needed a complete change of lifestyle and work on rebuilding my self-confidence.

I am not going to lie all these changes did not come without stress and worries. I needed to have counselling after my assault and that was a very difficult period of time. But I am glad I took steps to change my life for the better.

My focus this year is to get a new, less stressful job, as I still work for a London-based company, that will take me into retirement.

I dislike my current one and the people I work with and can't see myself doing it for very much longer.

Reading this while snoozing in sofa and hoping for inspiration

The other day I was talking to a friend about this. Is it a fantasy? To a certain extent, it is, because when we set a goal, we may take hindrances into account, but cannot gauge the risks 100% accurately if we're not experiencing them. That's one thing. Now when it comes to those things in life that throw us off balance like losing a loved one, grieving, being let down by a partner, not finding your OH (if that means something to you), being betrayed by family or friends, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I think these situations are apt to take us to a place where we are urged to practice self-care, self-love and all of the other "self" attitudes. While that can be unbelievably challenging, it's not impossible. You need to be 1000% committed to yourself in order to make it happen. Now back to the fantasy thing, as I said earlier, as much as our imagined reality can be unrealistic, that's not a reason not to dream, or set goals. Where would we be today if we hadn't had dreams and goals in the past?

Massive respect to you Leia24! Well done! May your bravery and strong will continue. xx @leia24 ditto to this.

I’ve recently been in a similar place to you. I think the trick is to start small.

@EliCopter Isn't this the core of it though? If you are feeling like you want to change, you have the urge to do something big and dramatic - not start small! Like sell your house and move to a commune in Bali (I don't want to do this btw but exaggerating to show that feeling I mean!!)

I guess what I was getting at in my OP is that even if you do sell your house and move to a commune in Bali because you are fed up, fat and lonely; that you are still going to be fed up, fat and lonely but now you will be fed up, fat and lonely in a commune in Bali. Whatever it is that you want to change dramatically, probably doesn't change because it's in you. In your head...

A bigger problem for me is that although I have a sense of a need for change, I don't know what it is I want....

@Startingagainandagain - that is quite an inspiring list but noted what you say about it taking three years.

My focus this year is to get a new, less stressful job, as I still work for a London-based company, that will take me into retirement.

I dislike my current one and the people I work with and can't see myself doing it for very much longer.

This is a big type of change and something that can make a real life difference if the place is different. I've found that sometimes the problem with any particular job is that the problems that you find difficult/stressful/upsetting are endemic to that job/sector/culture. In other words, same problems, different people. I suppose it depends how flexible your job is between sectors. I expect if you work in HR working in HR in a male dominated bank moving to a female dominated bakery might be very different. If you work in cardiac surgery, you may move hospitals but the toxic personalities, culture, stress of work environment are likely to be the same give or take a few degrees.

On a very pedantic note compared to many here , last year I said I’d become fit which I’d said for years. I now run 5km regularly and 10km occasionally and feel so much better for it. I also do weights which I’d never done properly before.

I also second reading Atomic Habits.

@JudyBlumesBlubber @EliCopter

I also second reading Atomic Habits.

Thank you - I have read a ton of "recommended" self help books and none of them seemed worthwhile.

If you are willing, can you give me a precis of the key take aways from this book and why you recommend it? I'm loathe to buy another one that will just be more of the same .. .

The book Atomic Habits is basically about viewing change as a process or journey rather than a destination or goal. So instead of saying I want to run a 10km which is a finite goal you either succeed or fail at, you think “I want to be a runner”. Then whether you hit 10km or 3km, you’re still a runner and can improve all the time.
It unlocked a lot for me: I am a runner regardless of distance and have seen the benefits from it.
(That’s probably a terrible précis!)

I moved to a new town in January into my dreamy new house and I feel like my life has changed a lot.

@NewYearNewL I have a theory that everyone has a contentment/natural level of happiness point. It’s different for everyone so no one can tell you what that point is for you.

If 100 people win £10 million on the lottery in 10 years they will do very different things but ultimately whilst they might have more stuff the question is will they be fundamentally happier than they were before?

You have had a number of bereavements and as you say are still grieving. I am sorry for your loss and understand how this leads you to question your life.

Take your time and think about your life goals - where do you want to be in 5, 10, 20+ years? What makes you feel contented? Then think about the steps you need to take to move you closer to what you want.

I feel the same. I want change in my life but not sure what it is that I want exactly. There are so many things that I'm unhappy with and they're big things. I've been wanting to move for years but haven't found the right property. My job is getting me down, definitely want to try something new but what? For years I was very inactive. I've changed that and spend a lot more time outdoors. I'm single and incredibly lonely. My children are in their late teens so I'm in that transitional phase of life where I haven't got young children but they still need me, just not to an intense degree as when they were younger. I guess I feel a little lost or adrift in life, like I need something to swim in a new direction for.

I had some counselling last year after being very poorly, when I didn't know if I would ever return to the world of work. We talked about catalyst moments, where people are forced to change their lives due to illness, or redundancy, divorce etc, and often end up saying further down the line that whilst they didn't know it at the time it was the best thing that could have happened to them. And why not bring forward that "window of hindsight" to actively view it as a positive opportunity at the time rather than just assessing your journey at the end. That's what I'm focusing on now, it takes bravery but it's easier to believe it if you consider how positive these things are generally viewed years later.