AITA?

[ForSparklyLemonLurker]

So I'd like to know if I'm being an arsehole here.
Massive backstory: I'm adopted and the youngest of 4 (my sister is also adopted not related). My siblings are in their 50s and I'm 35 next year.
Was a little shit growing up always stealing money off of parents went onto heavy drug usage.
Got clean, married and have a child who is 3.
We live in parents house in an annexe.

Every Boxing Day, siblings kids who's ages range from 9-16 come into our living room and the adults have a good old catch up and I'm entertaining the kids as they think I'm hilarious thanks to no filter and aspergers. My husband occupies our son if he doesn't want to play with his cousins.

Usually every time I try to join in with the adults my mother moans when I enter the room and when I try to join in the conversation I'm told oh you don't know or I just sit in silence in the corner.

This Boxing Day was rather hurtful as my husband and I are ill with a virus but to be fair we were told if we didn't want the kids in,to tell them to go.
Eventually we put our son to bed so they left to let us do that. Once we were done, we were sat watching tv and everyone else was in my parents room and taking family pictures. None of them bothered to knock or message to see if we were able to join for it.
I feel like we're just used for babysitting/entertainment whilst the faves are allowed to join in.
At dinner time I was moaned at because I took a plate of 3 Yorkshire puddings and 5 potatoes to be eaten between me, my husband and our son. I said that it was for the 3of us and everyone else had a full plate of food, yet I was the only one moaned at.
I went into the room to see if any food was left and was moaned at again because of my presence.

Am I wrong? Every year or every big family get together I'm spoken to like I'm an idiot. My eldest niece has started to notice it now and so has my husband.

Bunp

I'm not sure you have explained this well as some of the details don't make sense. You weren't spending time with the family but wanted to be in the pictures, and to be catered for? You feel used for entertaining the children at christmas but it is unclear what else you are contributing to the meal / christmas?

Do you and your dh work and pay rent?

Sorry 😞

We are ill so tried to stay out the way because my dad is immuno compromised but my niece was also unwell and was around them.

My brother had hosted them Christmas day and had brought over left overs and my mum had made a few extra potatoes and Yorkshire puddings.

We used to sit with everyone in there and try and join in with conversation but were ignored or told we don't understand.

We pay my parents rent to live there and offer to help with anything or my dad will ask my husband do jobs for him.

Yes my dh works and I'm a SAHM until our son starts school so have started to look.

It doesn't sound like you are treated very well at times, but you are living with your parents, so there has been some reconciliation between you after your previous lifestyle choices.

Are you there free if charge or do you pay a decent rent and/or pay for your own food, electricity etc.

We buy our own food and my husband pays them rent. He's had a huge pay rise and we straight away told them that the rent will be increased again.

We cross posted, I can see you pay rent.

Is this something that just happens when it's big family gatherings? Are your parents ok towards you at other times?

The fact that your parents were ok about you coming back to live there shows that they do care about you.

Only when they need something or something benefits them. They usually moan when I call them on the phone. Like an ugh yes?

Am I wrong then?

You're being unreasonable for calling this thread AITA. This is Mumsnet, not Reddit 😄

Oh I'm sorry my DH is American so it's a term I've picked up 🤣

I was only joking, don't worry!

It sounds like the main problem is that you don't feel that they make you welcome in the family group. And we can't judge if that is because of past mistakes or a genuine reason or if they are being mean or a bit of both.

The only thing I can suggest is - try not to let it get to you. You do your own thing and be kind and work hard and let them do their thing. If they don't invite you over, they are missing out.

Thank you 😊
I guess it could be a bit of everything. We'd been careful not to get close to my dad as he's immuno compromised but my elderly niece is on antibiotics for a throat infection,.although I'm guessing she is out of the passing it on stage.

It just feels mean that they use us to ditch their kids so they have a good catch up and not bother with us or at least the bare minimum. I try to be helpful and I'm moaned at for that too like ugh ok go away.

I guess I just felt like I was unwanted and what the hell was the point of adopting me if they never really wanted me around. Now.i think about it, my mum in particular has never been very kind to me as in dismissed my feelings. When I first self harmed she saw and laughed and told me not to be so stupid.
When I was naughty as a child she would threaten to take me back to social services. My dad is nicer but obviously loyal to his wife.
My siblings especially my adopted sister have noticed and they just put up with it and do.nothing so as not to.upset my mum. Maybe I need therapy.

It just felt hurtful to loudly do a family picture when we had been looking after their kids and perhaps could have said oh we don't care just come take a quick photo with us.

This is tricky.

You say you were a little shit when younger and stole from your adoptive parents.

If you then went on to heavy drug use I am going to guess that there were a lot of dramas around you and money and your parents,

Most adults will try to put some distance between someone who is using drugs heavily.

It's very likely this has impacted on your family relationships. If you are living back with your parents (even in an annexe) then presumably your parents are happy to have you around and let bygones be bygones.

Your siblings may well not take the same attitude and in all honestly I'd be very wary of someone with your history.

Yeah you're quite right. Despite being clean for 5 years I can understand its not that much on the whole.
My siblings I guess have nothing in common with me nor I with them.

It sounds like you have some feelings of not being wanted that you're contending with. I would be tempted to get some therapy if you've not had it before. They will help you work out what's going on and how best to handle this with your parents. Alternatively could you talk to your parents about it? It may be that they've got into some bad habits with their attitude to you from when things were more difficult and they haven't realised theyre doing it. Or maybe they've always been like this in which case you could consider becoming more independent from them if possible and move a little further away to have some space from them.

If I tell them how I feel they will just say I'm being ridiculous and silly, then they will ignore me as I've upset them.
I will look into getting therapy.

Without more detail it's hard to know:

If you're projecting your insecurity on them - naturally as someone adopted you're going to have those primal wounds that affect your attachment

If they are really moaning and don't want you around or that's your perspective

How much damage to relationships was done when you were in a difficult place

If your siblings and even parents may resent you for taking up a lot of attention from your parents

If they resent you for getting the annex

But from what you say your mum sounds lacking in empathy and struggles to sit in discomfort. They are possibly projecting their fear and difficult feelings onto you and your family, even though they love you and want you safe. They still very much have the dynamic of you as the youngest, you still as a child. 5 years clean is fab, well done, but like you say not all that long in the grand scheme of things and they may all grow up a bit given more time.

My brothers and sister have their own homes.
My mum told me that my sister moved to a different country to get away from me when I was at my worst. This was when I was in my late teens early 20s.
This year I told my sister this and she was horrified and said that was a small part of the reason but not the main reason she moved abroad.
I think I should do as she does and be vague and not tell too much of what's going on in my life.
I could easily not see my parents for weeks at a time and no calls or messages so it's easy to go low contact.

I would love nothing more than to move out but my husband insists we still save. When we are able to move, I have often thought about doing it like Phoebe in friends did when she moved out from Monica's 🤣

My sister refused to tell me more things but she said to me that she had been nothing short of a perfect child/teenager growing up and still our mum has made comments to her. My sister is extremely good and much better than I ever was/am.

Sorry OP, this would make anyone feel like shit
That said, I wouldn't say no to hearing their side of the story.

That's fair enough.