How to escape

[Tralalalalaaaaaa]

My ex and I split up 2 years ago. The relationship was very toxic and controlling and he used to threaten to take the kids away from me all the time if I ever did anything he didn’t like.
I am well aware that I am a complete idiot, I honestly still feel under his control. I always seem to put his needs first and worry about moving on with my life as he is still so present in mine. My family despair with it all and can’t understand why I still do things for him and to be honest I don’t either, I just feel like unless I keep it sweet he will make my life a living hell.

When we split we agreed he would pay £200 a month maintenance, it’s a lot less than CMS would be as he’s on roughly £48,000 a year. He works away mon-Fri so only sees lo for 1-2 nights a week. I am always having to chase him for this money, he pays it but only when he “can”. If he’s got plans like going out or to his football then he doesn’t pay it and will carry it over.

Over Christmas I cooked for him and his dad (don’t know why, I felt guilty they would be alone) I bought all the food and he was meant to pay half which he hasn’t, he hasn’t given me maintenance for 2 weeks and I’m on my arse, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next couple of weeks before my UC comes in.

I’ve attached a photo below of the reaction I get from him.

how do I escape this? I feel so pathetic and weak

Do exactly what you say - go via CMS. Yes it seems scarry, yes, I am sure there is a lot of paralysing trauma at play but when you start taking steps to reclaim your power, that's when you start properly separating from him emotionally.
Contact women's aid as well and get some proper advice and support. And stop cooking him dinner... your guilt is utterly misplaced here.

Why aren’t you already going through CMS?

Apply to CMS
Only contact using a parenting app ... block him from your mobile.

I honestly believe I have some sort of trauma bond to him. I seem to do things so that I keep him happy to stop any backlash even though he’s awful to me. I’ve lost all my self esteem and I don’t recognise myself anymore. How can I stop this? Nobody around me understands as they’ve all been in happy, stable relationships.

It feels really hard to set boundaries if you're not used to it. I found is so hard at first with my ex as he had trained me to walk on egg shells around his mood and to fear upsetting him. Get counselling to help and seek advice from domestic abuse support practitioners and do the freedom programme.

Also, take him off WhatsApp and only email him - it really cools the temperature as it feels like you have to put a bit more thought and effort into responding.

Detach. You don't need to be providing christmas dinners and any conversation beyond the subject of your child. CMS, and don't get baited into replying to shitty messages. Read and ignore. He's taking the piss because he knows he can.

Oh and "every last penny" isn't £200 a month occasionally. Fucking deadbeat. He's a shit OP. Shit dad, shit partner. Certainly nothing worth chasing after or appeasing. The irony of calling you a leech when he's eaten your food at Christmas and contributed fuck all! I'd have had to have given that one the laughing emoji.

You are prioritising appeasing him over the wellbeing of your child
Without meaning to be unkind, I think you need therapy

Is he employed and salaried rather than a contractor or self-employed?

If the first just go via CMS and switch to using a court approved parenting app.

Go through the official channels and stop being a doormat to this “man”

So you fed him and his dad (!!) instead of prioritising budgeting to have money to care for your child? Stop playing the game. Games need two players. He’s an absolute loser, but you’re playing right into him like he wants. Block him and ask him to email to contact you going forward or set up a parenting app and go through CMS.