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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not see my friend who is in an abusive relationship?

6 replies

drgrat · 28/12/2024 09:41

I am 5m pp and believe I currently have PND. It’s definitely postpartum anxiety but unsure if it crosses into PND. I have a history with mental health issues but I have always appeared on the outside as bubbly / energetic / have it all together (stable relationship, own house, good job, no issues etc) but this is because I mask well. My close friend, Jen, knows about my MH struggles a bit more but has big ones of her own and these tend to dominate.

Jen broke off a relationship with Dave who was a great, honest, loyal and attractive guy because she got bored. She cheated on him a few times and he’d take her back but then be surprised that the relationship would change, ie he got a bit lazier. She left him and has had a string of unsuccessful relationships where she moves into their house within a week or so and they become too close very quick. They’re always successful and wealthy men. A year ago, she was down after another failed relationship and met Tom. Tom is divorced (we’re only 30) and a controlling, abusive prick. I realised he was a narcissist very quickly (I had to have extensive therapy from dating one and now feel always on high alert). I was there for her, I would answer the phone in the middle of the night to her crying despite being exhausted with a newborn, I’d offer advice, I’d message him on her request to prove to him she isn’t lying and that she was with me etc.

They finally broke up, I told her he’s awful, a narcissist etc. I had to be entirely honest but said I’d always be there for her. Then he came back hoovering her up, and they’re back together. Again she’s back in tears as Christmas was bad. She was meant to come home to where I live for Christmas but she went with him. She’s now come back for one night to her parents house near me. She wants to see me today before she goes back (I’m Home Counties, she’s London city, so not exactly far and I work next to her office so we usually see eachother when I’m working!) but I’m exhausted. I don’t want a conversation about how much of a dick he is, I don’t want to be consumed by the anxiety I feel about it or the desire to help. I just want to rest after another awful night’s sleep.

So AIBU to say no or is it bad if I do? She sprung this on me yesterday.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 28/12/2024 09:46

YANBU

Ah, such a shame youre home, I'm struggling with the newborn, haven't slept and really don't feel up for visitors today! maybe next time, happy new year!

Preserve your own peace. Let her continue with a mess of a man, you cannot solve her issues when she keeps jumping off the cliff.

christmaslatte · 28/12/2024 09:52

I thought you were going to ask if you should cut her off entirely and I was going to say that's awful, and how abusive men isolate their victims.

But you're not saying that at all.

You're saying on this occasion is it ok to prioritise your health and mental health, and the answer is of course.

It's frustrating to see our friends not being able to leave abusive relationships, but that's how it works, it's hard to leave - and so we should let them know we love them and our door is open for them.

But that doesn't mean being on call 24-7, to the detriment of your own health.

Just as she needs better boundaries, it's ok to assert yours.

Just say you'd love to catch up another time but you just can't manage it today as you're shattered. If she can't accept that as a reason then that's an issue for your friendship, entirely separate to supporting her with abuse.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 28/12/2024 10:02

Just say you’re busy which is true. You’re busy recovering! You have to pace yourself with friends who have constant dramas. By the sound of it there’s no emergency just more of the same.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 28/12/2024 11:55

Oh my goodness. You're so busy. You cannot meet. See you in January. Happy new year.

You cannot deprive yourself of oxygen and let yourself get exhausted by this your friend.

username299 · 28/12/2024 12:00

Text her the number for the National Domestic Abuse Helpline and keep advising her to get support. Turn your phone off at night and don't pick up if you don't have the energy or time.

Lottapianos · 28/12/2024 12:04

'Preserve your own peace. Let her continue with a mess of a man, you cannot solve her issues when she keeps jumping off the cliff.'

Great advice. It gets pretty exhausting listening to dreadful things and bad decisions that a friend has made. You have an enormous amount to contend with in your own life so I'm not surprised that you feel you don't have the space or energy for a conversation with her today. It might honestly do her good to not be able to dump on you today

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