Husband addicted to porn

[Fryingpanann]

I’ve just accidentally discovered my husbands porn habit. It appears to be a daily thing, and up to an hour each time (while me and child in the house asleep). Background…married for 13 years, together 23, with a 10 year old.
2 years ago he had an affair that I (again) accidentally discovered, pornographic pics of him and OW and videos they’d sent each other. After many lies trying to cover it up he confessed, he’d been chasing her for ages and sleeping with her for 8 months.

I took him back as I didn’t want to throw away 20+ years and tried to put it in the past, i think I made a mistake making it easy for him. But this latest discovery makes me think he’s just a sex mad deviant and it makes me sick to think of being intimate with him. It was hard enough after the last shock. So I guess my question is, is this normal? Are all men just sex mad?

It can be normal for some, and abnormal for others. Perhaps labelling him a 'sexual deviant' might be a little over the top!

But that's irrelevant... the question is, is the porn a red line for you?

The porn is probably a red herring anyway... the real issue could be the legacy of the affair. Will it ever truly go away?

I believe a high proportion of men watch porn.

I think the main issue here is your relationship. It must be hard to rebuild after an affair.

How do you feel your day to day relationship is?

I think since lockdown it's about 50% of men watch porn for under 30s but a lot lower for over 30s. Also that's not daily watching. That figure is much lower.

An 8 month affair he lied about and an hour a day of porn - not someone I'd want to stay married to any more!

I'd say your first mistake was staying and forgiving his affair - 8 months is a long time to have your partner sneaking around and lying and sleeping with someone else. Were you really able to forgive? This latest discovery pales in comparison but is still grim - occasional porn use isn't unusual, every day suggests an addiction. I wouldn't find it a massive turn off 🤢

some can watch it like others watch tv, remember the eposide of x files where FoxMulder was just watching it etc fictional show but similar point

I think day to day we are ok, but deep down I’m not sure if I can live with this. I’ve not mentioned it to him, I’m burying my head at the moment. I thought I’d manage to get past the affair (although I’d never forgive I didn’t want to keep harping back to it or I’d end up bitter and twisted). This feels like another betrayal albeit minor in comparison.

I agree, i really regret not giving myself more time after the affair, I took him back after a week! He put a lot of pressure on me and I was in panic mode about losing everything. And it is a turn off. It’s like he’s got another personality

Not so much a red line…..just an element of his personality I really don’t like, and he’s doing it when we are all in (he has time on his own when I’m at work etc and expect he’s on it more then). I was shocked at the affair due to the explicit nature of the photos and videos, he’d never done anything like that with me. I’m not a total prude!

I think you've hit the nail on the head. You need to look deep inside yourself and decide if it's a situation you are comfortable with.

Only you can decide and it's the right decision for you.

I think your first mistake was staying after the affair. He's not going to change. I don't necessarily have an issue with porn but I had no idea how much of a habit my ex-h had until he had to disclose bank statements for our divorce. He had a disgusting habit of really deviant behaviour (think extreme BDSM) that I had absolutely no idea about. He had obviously been indulging for years and had spent a fortune.

Seriously, get out of this shit relationship. You deserve better than this. It won't stop and he won't change and I'd be surprised if he'd only had one affair.

Did you mean to be such a bitch?

Ouch…

How is the intimacy between you?

Right now….non existent ent. Prior to the discovery I’d say we are a once a week….no way near enough for him but all I’m up for. I think if I tell him I’m pissed iff he’ll blame me for not being horny enough.

Did you get any individual or couples counselling after the affair OP? Did you get to the bottom of why he did it and did he put steps in place to ensure it never happens again? It sounds a bit like you just tried to put it out of your mind, but the porn discovery gas brought it all back again.

I’d take the power back, don’t tell him you know about the porn. Say you no longer find him sexually attractive and it’s so important for you to have a fulfilling sex life that you’d like to get a divorce and go and find that.

He will have a huge dent to his ego that will never leave him, serves him right the nasty prick.

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been there, sadly.
Unfortunately your relationship is not going to work and you might as well get out. Too much damage has already been done, and the ongoing sex issues will be the final death knell.

No counselling. He felt it was a huge mistake and made big promises. I think you are right, I just wanted to get past it and probably didn’t give long enough to make big desicions.