Eye contact

[Safxxx]

I just wanted to ask if anyone else feels awkward talking to someone with eye contact? I feel like I can't look someone in the face and talk whilst they're looking straight at me. 2 wks ago at my son's parents evening I wasn't making eye contact with the teachers and my son called me rude, he said you must look at them, but I don't do it deliberately I just can't, looking away or down helps me focus better with listening and speaking. I do get shy/nervous. How do I change this behaviour of mine? I feel more people, including family have noticed how bad I am at it.

It can be a common symptom of anxiety! I've heard trying to look at people's eyebrows is a good way for people who find it hard to approximate eye contact.

Yes, I avoid eye contact too! I hate it, it makes me feel really uncomfortable and awkward. In my 20s I lost out on supervisor role in the company I was working for at the time, the feed back said it was because of my lack of eye contact. Since then I really try to keep eye contact up when talking to people but then it makes me feel even more awkward, like I'm faking interest 🙈 my husband gets annoyed sometimes, he thinks I'm not paying attention or interested in what he's saying. Which isn't always the case, although it is sometimes 🤣

@hazelnutvanillalatte thank you great tip I Shall try it

@Moon30 Glad I'm not the only one... Yes I'm told that quite frequently that I'm not interested in what someone says, but that's not true, I do listen but without the eye contact lol

Don’t people find it harder to concentrate when looking at faces in general? They found when asking people maths questions, people tended to look away to solve it, then look the person in the eye to say the answer. So I wouldn’t feel bad to look away while thinking, or coming up with an answer.

I can find it quite uncomfortable and intense sometimes. Dd ( query ASD) really struggles and I've been teaching her to look just to the side or just above the eyes so the connection isn't quite so strong but she doesn't come across as rude. It's taken several years to realise ds also struggles as he does make eye contact, but then his eyes slip away to the side - It's very subtle.

@IAm16StoneHalloween2024 thank you I just feel like everyone I know looks at me whilst talking, yet I'm unable to, which makes me more nervous since I've been told I do it often 🫣

@Lancrelady80 yes I do try to look ppl in the face without eye contact... doesn't last long though

In the UK, we tend to look steadily at people while LISTENING but, when we're speaking, we look away and back again. If you're the one talking, it's usual to make eye contact on significant words and when you've finished.

There are probably better videos illustrating this, here's the first one I found.

When I went to live in a country where they do this the other way around, it ended up with me and the other person both gazing into each other's eyes, and that was very weird! Took me a couple of days to figure it out, and several weeks to get used to gazing while speaking but only intermittently while listening.

The tip above, to look at eyebrows if you have difficulty looking at eyes, is a good one. Also works if you focus on the spot between their eyes or the middle of their forehead ... but only do this steadily when you're the listener 🙂

Some people consider other people highly rude if they avoid eye contact.

I'm actually in a support group for CPTSD and a mentor said my eye contact was terrible and she found it rude/offensive.

To be honest I thought that showed a profound lack of empathy on her part. But I have ended up trying to make eye contact more (really awkwardly!)
Has it made much difference to my life overall? Probably not but the lady concerned seems happyer .

I hate eye contact. I concentrate alot better on what someone is saying if I'm not looking in their eyes. If I force myself to look in their eyes it takes effort to manage the physical process of that.. looking away at the right intervals and looking back etc.. so much so that I often lose track of what is being said.
I absolutely HATE that people think it's rude not to make eye contact. It was a total nightmare for me at school. Constantly called shady, constantly told I wasn't paying attention.. I was a straight A student!! Obviously I was paying fucking attention!! Just horrible bullying trying to make me put on a performance to put other people at ease.
I'm fairly certain I'm autistic. My daughter is under assessment for autism at the moment and having read up on it it all really clicked with me..
So I don't force eye contact any more. If someone wants to get the hump they are welcome to it. I don't need people in my life who are stupid enough to judge someone entirely on mannerisms.
Clearly from my conversation you can tell I'm listening and taking in what's being said. Why do you need me to stare in your eyes and make myself stressed and uncomfortable?
It makes me so angry to think of how much I struggled in my early life and how I constantly thought 'what's wrong with me?'
I really internalised being constantly told I was bad and wrong and shady.. over bloody eye contact and facial expressions and hand movements!!
I'm glad to see that in this day and age views about this are changing.
Just as it would now be considered insanely uptight to follow some of the rules regarding politeness from a hundred years ago.. people now days do not expect eye contact as much as a form of politeness. My daughter is not forced to make eye contact at school.. she's not forced to keep her hands still.. in fact she is allowed to sit facing away from the teacher and fiddling with a toy if she wants.. as long as she demonstrates she has been listening by completing the instructions. I think that's so wonderful to see. She won't suffer the type of trauma I did at school.
And it's not just autistic people but people with anxiety, introverts.. a lot of people struggle with eye contact.
I hope the world changes so much that equating it with politeness is relegated to the dustbin of history.
Some people give eye contact, others don't... and it is not a signal of anything on its own. People can feel very warmly towards you abd be giving you thier undivided attention.. and not be giving eye contact.
And vice versa.. you can get totally fake people who have no interest in what you're saying, giving plenty of eye contact because they find it easy and know they'll get a positive response from it.

That's her own issue and probably about rejection sensitivity. She possibly equates your like of eye contact with you not liking her and so reacts angrily.
That's her own issue to work through.
Some people with CPTSD can feel like they are highly sensitive to micro expressions and body language in others.. however alot of the time will just project their own insecurities onto the slightest movement and constantly look for ways they are being rejected or ways someone is being hostile etc.. they will use any body language they could possibly interpret as negative as reinforcing the idea they are under attack in some way.
Happens with PTSD too. On high alert for danger.

@Garlicwest thank you
@Circumferences that's awful of her but this is what I mean, ppl get offended when they shouldn't.

I'm quite the opposite and have an intense stare if I'm paying attention, while some people love it, I am aware it can be quite intimidating. I do have mitigation techniques for this so I don't look like a complete psycho but they are similar to people who struggle with eye contact as well

It takes practise to do this so this is something you will build up over time. People will know you are not looking at their eyes even if you look at their eyebrows or eyelids so try and look into their eyes before speaking for a couple of seconds so you have at least initiated eye contact

Slow your movements so quickly looking away can seem rude but move slower and its more thoughtful.

Look at the eyes briefly and then at another spot on the face, cheekbones or eyebrows etc then back to the eyes. Try not to look directly at the mouth or from eye to eye to mouth because that looks like you want to kiss them (although a useful technique on a date, maybe not for a teacher at your DCs school).

If you move off face, look slightly to the side of them, cheekbone height is useful not lower or higher than their face, lower looks bored, higher looks like you think they are a simpleton.

The easiest and simplest one to start with is to nod, you can legitimately go off face without seeming rude for a time and reestablish a brief moment of eye contact. Smiling can help too.

You're never going to remember to do the lot so pick a couple of easy ones, I'd suggest nod and slow down your head movements and practise those first, it will come more natural although on occasion you may still find yourself looking away as I do giving an intense stare so do it when you remember to just to break up the eye contact.

I look towards the persons left ear and glance occasionally at their eyes. Appropriate facial expression changes along with a still, attentive posture show I’m listening, I’ve never been told I don’t appear to be interested so I guess it works.

@Thatcastlethere I'm sorry you had a hard time with it, but it's good to know you're daughter is understood and not forced to do it. I agree with your statement that we could come across as rude/ignorant or simply not paying attention...but I've always have listened and replied back, today a friend I don't see often yet I'm quite chatty to her on text messages told me i come across as either rude or shy, I said no I'm neither but she said she found it quite annoying that I kept looking away. She said just relax be yourself I was thinking I am lol 😂

@MarkingBad thank you for the tips although I'll be too nervous speaking to you if you stared at me intensely lol 🤣

@Essexg thank you.. I do try to look around the face area but as soon as I notice they're staring at me I then just look down 🙄

Yeah sorry about that, I'll try to smile and nod more! 😆

Prolonged eye contact makes me uncomfortable so I tend to look in the eyes for a few seconds, then look somewhere else, then flick back to the eyes. This probably makes the other person think I'm weird but I can't help it.

@Natsku I totally relate lol 🤣 phew honestly I was getting worried if it's just me acting like this....glad to hear others feel the same way!

In that C4 programme about the school where the staff and children didn't use phones for 21 days, one of the things that was mentioned was that the kids were looking at one another and at adults more. Eye contact was increased.

That's interesting. I know my social skills have definitely decreased since I got a smart phone, though eye contact I think has remained the same as I don't even remember being comfortable with eye contact, but conversation skills have gone to shit.

@DooDooDooDooDooDooDooDoo interesting 🤔

I’m autistic so I never even think to make eye contact. The only time I’m drawn to is if someone is really staring at me and then I might flick my eyes to meet theirs. It is uncomfortable but it’s not really something that happens to me very often as I just don’t do it naturally.