To give up on my niece/sister

[Ace101]

My sister and I have always had a strained relationship, in 2012 my niece was born and since then she has slowly cut myself and my Mum out of her and my niece’s life. She is a very controlling person and was jealous of my niece getting on with myself, she was even jealous of Santa, preferring to give the best presents from herself. It came to a head in 2019 and we have had no contact since. We continue to send presents, I gave presents via my dad the first Christmas. We have sent presents each year but have no idea if she received them. This year we sent presents for her to return them all opened and with a note saying anything sent further will be returned to sender. I am concerned from my niece as she is now starting to cut her off from her grandad (my dad) and my brother. I am now thinking that that we won’t be sending anything further as it is just to hurtful and just have to hope that my niece will contact us when she is older (she is 13).

Your sister is very clear she doesn't want to hear from you and hasn't for five years. Absolutely you shouldn't send more presents. Your dad and brother's best hope of remaining in contact is by not acting the go-between between you and your sister when she has made her views known.

It's so sad when this sort of thing happens OP, but I think your sister has made her feelings very clear, for whatever reason, and continuing to buy unwanted gifts would appear to be a waste of time and effort. Just accept that she no longer wants you in her life, and as you said, hope that one day her daughter may come looking for you.

Is the niece on social media? She's of an age where developing an independent relationship with her might be possible. Even if it's just a happy birthday/Christmas, hope you are well.

My concern is that the sister isn't being honest with dd about the reason for the distance. If I was 12 and my whole mum's side of the family 'stopped' sending gifts I might wonder if they didn't like me.

By keeping that thread, it gives you an opportunity to safeguard her in the future and so she has a lifeline should things get unbearable otherwise she could be left isolation and codependent with her mother.

What happened when you said "it came to a head in 2019"? Was there an argument?

Put a little money aside in an account each year for your niece if you like - she'll be an adult one day and you can make low pressure low drama contact then.

Thank you for your response. Just to add my brother and dad have not been used as a go between. My sister has not given a reason for no contact, just cut me off for no reason. I was just trying to keep contact for my niece’s sake

What on earth do you mean by jealous of santa? You're not one of those people who pretend all presents are from Santa are you because, if you are, then I'm on your sister's side.

I have considered that now she is almost 13 she may have social media however I would be concerned how my sister would react if I contacted my niece. She is very irrational. In 2019 she had been recovering from an operation (which she had a year prior) and was on strong painkillers for a prolonged period of time. I believe she has mental health issues and the way she acted and treated us was concerning.

Thank you for your responses. I think it is time to let go and hope that my niece contacts us in the future. I believe her mum hasn’t been honest with her about the lack of contact and open her presents and return them is very hurtful (this is the first time she’s returned them perhaps in the past she has just binned them).

Sorry I wasn’t clear, no I am not one of those people who say all presents are from Santa, I was just trying to say that where her DD is concerned she has to give the best presents so she gains the praise. She once returned a scooter my brother had bought for my niece as she didn’tm want him to be the one to give her it.

I’m very sorry for you. Mental health explains a lot of unknown cuttings off and severances, I am sorry to say.

No, don't send any more gifts. The rights and wrongs and who did whats don't really matter - she's the parent and if she doesn't want someone to have contact with her child that's her call. A shame for you but not much you can do about it.