For worrying that I want a baby and not sure about a child/teen etc...

[FairMinton]

May get flamed for this but at least I'm thinking it through!

Context: My partner and I both feel the urge to have a baby but think we'll be ok if it doesnt happen for us. We're in a stable relationship and are comfortable financially. We're late 30s - mid 40s so it is now or possibly never! I have generalised anxiety disorder and do overthink everything...

Dilemma: I'm worried that what I really want is a baby and am a bit ambivalent about the child stage (which I'm aware is much longer!). When I see friends/people online at soft play or the park on wet winter weekend mornings, or dealing with all the extra logistics of school aged children, I feel so grateful I'm not having to do that. But on the other hand, I long to nurture a child that is created from me and my partner and feel very maternal towards my niece and would love the relationship she has with her mum/my sister.

Did anyone else worry about the full implications of parenthood before TTC or did you look forward to it all from the start, or just roll with the punches?

You grow with your child. If someone had given us an 8 year old or 15 year old we would have been so out of our depth and wouldn't have had a clue what to do!! You'll be fine.

So glad I read this as I feel exactly the same I thought it was just me, sorry I have no advice but interested to see what other think.

I thought it all through. The baby stage (which bored me to tears) is very short. You’re making a person.

Get a kitten instead.

I can sort of empathise, but it’s the opposite way around for me- not madly keen on babies but I knew I wanted pre-teens/teens/adult kids in my life as I get older. I’m enjoying my kids more and more every year (they’re primary school age now). Saying that, I expect that although there is some joy to be found in every stage, everyone will have ages they’re ‘better’ with. There’s a lot you can’t know about parenting until you take the leap, and it seems to be quite fashionable to complain online about parenting. In 5/10/15 years it wouldn’t be some random child you’re in a stinky softplay with, or freezing on a hockey pitch for - it would be a person you have nurtured and loved for years.

If you have generalized anxiety, be aware that this could well be exacerbated by having a child. As well as my own future, I worry hugely about my children's future.

And it ramps up massively during the teenage years.

Honestly, I didn't think about any of this because I got pregnant through carelessness and just went for it. Second time was intentional, but I still didn't think much, tbh. It worked out well for me because I'm normally an overthinker and might have talked myself out of it if things had been different.

Baby/toddler - cute and amazing
Primary age - cute and fascinating to see personalities emerge
Teens - this is where we are now, and it's brilliant, I love them as people as well as because they are mine. They tell me things I didn't know and I still tell them things they don't know. It's just fantastic.

Everyone has worries to a certain extent.

But as you have a chronic mental health condition, it's obviously going to be magnified an awful lot.

Do you have a professional you could talk it through with, or are you a member of any help groups?

I think a lot of us wanted babies, not teenagers. But Nature tricks us into falling in love with the little buggers and then you love them because they're YOUR teenagers.

And actually, my two are now late teens and I have to say it's the best yet. They're so interesting, and I get so much sleep!

Thank you all for your replies, I'm reassured to know some others felt a similar way. It makes so much sense that actually doing all that stuff with/for your own child is a different thing and of course that there are beautiful aspects to each stage.

For those who mentioned it; perhaps unsurprisingly I've thought about how pregnancy and motherhood might affect my MH! I have the details of my local antenatal MH team should I need them.

I actually think you're being really sensible by considering this op. The baby stage is incredibly short and then you have the better part of two decades raising a child/teen. I have two DC, and absolutely love babies....I'd like a third baby but wouldn't want to have another child/teen so I'm definitely sticking at 2!

When I see friends/people online at soft play or the park on wet winter weekend mornings, or dealing with all the extra logistics of school aged children, I feel so grateful I'm not having to do that

If this is how you feel I'd err on the side of not having kids

What ridiculous advice! A kitten needs a loving home as well! Not someone who might want the cute kitten stage but not the much longer grown cat stage

I felt the same before/while I was pregnant. Then I found the baby stage really tough and couldn’t wait for them to be older. For me, each stage just gets better and better as they turn into little people of their own with their own personalities and interests. Now in the early teen years so there may be rough times ahead, but generally they’re a joy to be around.

What @TakeMyLifeAndLetItBe said. You get used to them. You may become the only person in the world who can look at a vile spotty adolescent and still see your baby (though you might also wonder how your lovely baby turned into this!)

What I found is that parenthood is about living with mixed feelings and accepting that things can be a lot less then perfect, that there can be lovely times and horrible times and believing that somehow we will all muddle through. Sometimes my faith in this has been very much tested! I had to learn never to think that a day was "spoilt" because something went wrong or the day eneded in a big tantrum. Instead I had to learn to hold on to all the bits of the day that went well, the fun bits we enjoyed.

The quote which sums up parenting best for me is Ozzy Osbourne "I love you more than life itself but YOU'RE DOING MY HEAD IN".

Good idea to plan how to look after your mental health - being an overthinker can have advantages.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Spot on @AmaryllisNightAndDay