To go non contact with grandmother

[Familycomplications]

My grandmother and I were always very very close; she’s been like a second mother to me, however, she’s always had her favourites and I, as a child and teen and even into early adulthood, saw it but didn’t care as it was very obvious that I was one of them

a few years back I was abused by a family friend in every way possible. My uncle and him were close and after the ordeal of the abuse my uncle secretly worked for my abuser (which my grandmother knew about but kept secret). When the work relationship was discovered she defended my uncle saying he needed the work…my dad actually got him a job with another employer for more money but my uncle said no because he got cash from my abuser and he didn’t want to pay child maintenance…a classy man I know!

last year my abuser died. I am not ashamed to say it was one of the biggest reliefs of my life. It also however has caused friction in the family as my uncle and another aunt went to his funeral and grieved for him. I told my aunt before the funeral that he seriously sexually assaulted me and was the reason for a previous attempted suicide and she brushed it off and attended anyway. I was heartbroken.

needless to say I don’t speak to either aunt or uncle and they weren’t invited to my wedding or My son’s christening

whilst I’m hurt, going non contact with them it’s not a major thing. However, my granny has taken their side. She has justified their actions and has treated me as if I’m the reason for the split in the family by cutting my aunt and uncle off. this is the first Christmas ever she hasn’t saw me and she also has said she has plans with my aunt on my birthday so won’t see me then either. I wouldn’t care about the birthday, I’m in my late 20s, but it’s the fact she always always makes a point of seeing me.

I feel so hurt and feel like my relationship with my granny is gone and that she’s blaming me for the split. Aibu to go non contact with her too? I have 2 other family members who are non contact with her and who have always said she’s a selfish so and so and I never have seen that side of her until now.

Bump

No excuses but some generations literally swept abuse in families under the carpet for an easier life didn't they?
As a dm with a dc who was abused it was dealt with immediately and we never saw the relative again. Not everyone is that strong sadly. Sorry for being blamed op. Absolutely none of it was your fault. Back away and find true friends.. Family don't have to share dna...

Agree with the above it’s easy for them to sweep under the carpet and think the abused person must share some blame in it.

There are 2 choices, sweep it under the carpet and fix the split, I kept the peace. My dm made a comment that if I’d have said something before my aunt would have given my uncle an earful! I don’t regret my choice. I harbour some odd feelings towards my family.

I do keep my children away from him. My children are very aware that I would have their back if anything ever happened to them.

Or cut contact and surround yourself with people who also have your back.

I don’t even know who has my back anymore. I feel so hurt. I don’t want to have a pity party but I feel like everyone who is meant to love me has let me down

They have. It’s now going to fall on you to decide and they get away completely free. You have dh. I hope he’s there for you.

Your Nan seems hypocritical.
If it was no big deal for uncle to have a cash in hand job from your rapist and to attend his funeral then it should also be no big deal that he didn’t get an invite to your wedding and son’s christening.

You haven’t caused a rift in the family. Uncle can do as he pleases, but so can you.

I just feel like I’m getting the blame more for speaking up rather than my aunt and uncle getting the blame for doing things which I believe are morally just wrong. I know what I need to do but cutting my grandmother off at 75 seems horrible but on the flip side I feel horrible every time I speak to her or I’m with her because she’ll bring up my aunt and uncle as if nothing is wrong.

He’s brilliant to be fair but I think even he is fed up of the constant circling. It’ll usually go like my granny says something or does something that hurts, I get down and say I’m done with her, she ‘apologises’ (and I use that term loosely), it’s mildly ok for a while and then it happens all over again. I’m fed up of it dominating my head and triggering me over and over. Boundary setting has become easier, hence cutting off my aunt and uncle, but feels much harder with my grandmother

Which of these uncles and aunts are your gm's children?

All of them.

I am very sorry for the abuse you went through, and know myself what head mash being abused as a child is.
It must have felt very disloyal when your aunt and uncle went to this person's funeral. It is hard to accept but they had their own relationship with this man, and possibly his friends and family and want to support them. Hard as it is to accept, most people are a mixture of good and bad, and most people take someone as They themselves experience them . I also think you are a bit unreasonable for expecting their mother ( your dgm) to side with you over her own son and daughter, when they are not in any way responsible for the abuse.

I’m not expecting her to side with anyone. That’s the point. She didn’t need to get involved. We are all adults. I didn’t want her to side with anyone and I told her it’s none of my business if she’s with my aunt and uncle 24/7 because that isn’t any of my business.

Since my mum and dad passed, misogyny and abuse is favoured over right and reason

I have had to cut ties, it isn't you though. Iy is them, how they can defend that is unknown

A lot of it is patriarchal though... I experience it daily to detrement of my own relationship with sister who stays in abusive relationship.

I am bad woman, when someone in family beat his partner with a rolling pin, but he is excused because she has a problem with drink and pressured him.

Misogyny and patriarchal rules, tale as old as time.

Have you read "its not you, it's your family" by Dr sherrie campbell? It really helped me.

No but I will definitely look that up here now, thank you for the recommendation

Peiple don't ljke having a mirror held up to them for them to see their wrong doings.

That's why perpetrators are defended where those who speak up demonised in situations like this.

Not to the depths you are, but I'm going through something similar and it's been ruining my mental health.

It's so hard to justify family who seems otherwise normal defend and support abusers, but will cut off women in the family because of it.

I cant fathom it but need to make peace with it.

They would literally rather have a relationship with someone who hits women than with me who doesn't want to be around that anymore.

Mind boggles.

They're minimising what happened because it's easier for them to deal with. Which is crap but not uncommon unfortunately. If your abuser was still alive I would say to cut them all off. I think as he's dead there's a bit more scope to perhaps maintain a relationship but ultimately if contact is making you feel bad then no contact is possibly better.

Thats exactly it... minimising it.

So wrong but happens so much in patriarchal misogynistic family roles.

As that is how your relationship has always been and recent events have been more of the same, (but obviously relating to something appalling) then definitely cut her off.

I have realised there’s been times when I have hung on to a relationship because of what I wished it was, based on crumbs leading in that direction, rather than what it actually was which was imbalanced and not good for me. If there is a chance that is what you are doing give it up. You will probably feel a sense of loss at first but if you fill the gap with people who care about and bring good feelings then that loss will dwindle

I think your family are awful people and I can’t imagine how betrayed you must feel, however understandably, it’s hard to go no contact.

I would give yourself time to grieve the relationship, don’t declare you are going no contact. Just withdraw slowly and see how it feels. See if you can gets some talking therapy along side.
I think often during therapy you can see the bigger picture, and see that lack of concern for you and your wishes aren’t just being dismissed now, but have always been, and what you think you get from the relationship isn’t actually what you get, it’s often the idea of the person you are holding onto.

Don’t worry about anyone’s feeling other than your own. Prioritise yourself at all times.

She's hurting you.
And there's no way out of it except going no contact and meaning it. Don't expect she will apologise or change her decision to side with uncle and aunt.
Just burn all bridges with her.
If you don't you will either be constantly on a roundabout of fighting with her.. or you'll have to live with the hurt abd resentment and bitterness silently.
None of this will be healthy for you.
Going no contact will hurt initially.. but in the long run you can forget she even exists. There will still always be a bit of sadness..
But it won't be anything like the years of pain you'll have to endure if you keep flogging this dead horse of a familial relationship! She can't have your back. And you need her to. So it's over.
Don't feel guilty. She made her choices here and it's not like you haven't given her the full facts or time to adjust.. she's just not going to do it. And you deserve to have a pain free life. You deserve not to have to relive trauma every time you interact with someone.
Cut her out and stick by it totally.

I needed this advice today too... thanks for sharing.

This is so true. I think I’ve put my grandmother on a pedestal and I’m grieving for a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore and even has me questioning did it ever really exist in the way I thought it did if this is how it’s ended up.

Sorry you are going through this. This completely illustrates how family is not thicker than water. Out of principle, for the horrific things that had happened to you as a child, because of this evil family friend, in theory all of your family should have dropped this friendship, reported him to the police, and formed a circle of protection around you. But that didn’t happen. It’s even worse because of how close you were with your grandmother. It is heart breaking. But no one has actually stood up for you, and they should have, so now you are standing up for yourself. I definitely would go no contact, but speak with her one final time to clearly reiterate to her why you are doing this. Family is not thicker than water, but you can create the family, and the life , you want with your partner.