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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex leaves son with Grandmother

10 replies

Mummaonherown · 27/12/2024 20:46

AIBU on this
My ex hasn't been the greatest dad, he has regularly let our son down over his short life (DS is 4)
However I've always tried to promote a positive relationship between them, and as DS has gotten older, he enjoys spending time with his dad. Intitally I always came with them, booked a activity and we made it a family day, but I don't have a lot of help and now my DS is able to communicate more clearly I gave my ex the option to have him 1 night every fortnight (Saturday to Sunday) and the weeks he doesn't have him then he can take him out on a Sunday for the day, during the week wouldn't work due to the distance between us and working patterns.
My son spent Christmas day with me and we planned for him to go to dad's on boxing day 12.00 to today (Friday 6.00pm) yesterday my ex called me and said can he bring him back at 12 today, I said no as I've got tons to do and we had it arranged for weeks, after a mini arguement he called back and said 4.00pm drop off otherwise he wasn't having him. I agreed to keep the piece.
Heres the issue. Dad has his own flat (studio flat) his mum lives 10 mins from him and has a 2 bed house, he often stays there with him due to the fact it's a home and not just 1 room which isn't very kid friendly.
I don't have a relationship with my ex's mother, and to be fair he doesn't either he stays there as it's convenient for him. She's been incredibly rude to me, unless my DS is taken to her she never made a effort with him and frankly I don't really trust her and my ex has also stated the same, therefore I have asked my ex not to trust her with childcare and as he sees our son so little our son is his responsibility. There has been a few issues with his mother, she hasn't apologised to me for something back in July and we haven't spoken since. He agreed to this, and we agreed to him having our son there with the view or him having our son at his place in the next few months.
All seemed fine today, he took our son to soft play, he dropped him off at 4.00 and off he went.
I asked my son if he had lots of fun, he said yes but daddy wasn't there, he left me with nanny - I asked him where he went and said said he went to the gym with his friend, unfortunately for my ex my work colleague is also a personal trainer in his gym, so I text him and asked as I knew my ex would lie if he saw him today, he said yeah he was there this morning for 2 hours
I texted my ex and asked him, he of course lied to me - this is only the 3rd time that my son has stayed over (over the course of 6 weeks) and before then he hadn't seen his nan for a year (she made no effort)
My ex knows how uncomfortable I was with this arrangement but he ensured me he wouldn't leave DS with her as he only sees him so little.
Hes ignored my calls and texts and tbh I'm so drained with him, he does what he wants and just lies - am I over reacting about this?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 27/12/2024 20:50

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be annoyed & frustrated about this, I would be too, but unfortunately there’s nothing you can do about it and it’s part & parcel of “co-parenting” (if you can actually call what he does co parenting!)

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 27/12/2024 20:51

When your son is with your ex you can't dictate anything I'm afraid. It's for your ex to judge the suitability of babysitters.

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2024 20:52

Unless your son is in physical danger, what your ex chooses to do on his time, is his choice.

You not liking, or getting on with, your ex’s mum, it’s neither here nor there.

Nctodayforddog · 27/12/2024 20:52

Sadly in exes time he can make his own plans for dc.. Even if that means leaving him with a friend or relative... At least mil didn't have him stuck in front of a screen all day.

EllieRosesMammy · 27/12/2024 20:55

What an absolute dick. Honestly I'd tell him "either look after your son properly, or don't have him at all". He had the entire rest of the week child free to go to the gym but he just absolutely had to go on the one day when he was meant to be spending time with his son?!

Sirap2 · 27/12/2024 20:59

I dont think you can dictate this.

Tourmalines · 27/12/2024 21:04

You can’t tell him what to do with his son when it’s his time with him. Your relationship with his grandmother is a seperate issue and your son had fun there and was happy .

Mummaonherown · 27/12/2024 21:37

@Tourmalines I've tried really hard to summarise but there's trust issues with his mother, my ex lived with his nan due to his mum choosing a man over her son, my ex has all sorts of issues from it, emotionally abused by his father (doesn't have a relationship with him anymore) and his mum still sent him to his dads when she remarried his step father. I just don't trust her and he agreed with me.
Theres been so much that has happened between the two of them that he has said he would cut her out of his life but in his own words (recently) it's convenient for him until his flat is ready 100%
I'm just really disappointed as we both agreed on this and now he's backtracking

OP posts:
Mummaonherown · 27/12/2024 21:41

@EllieRosesMammy exactly he does what he wants when he wants. He disappears for days, doesn't call or facetime his son (if I call he ignores us) then 1 day and he still palms him off to someone who I've got massive trust issues with.
My ex cheated on me, that's why we spilt his mother knew he was cheating, however she took his side. My ex took our son out with the girl he cheated on me with for the day and disappeared, I rang is mum and messaged her as he turned his phone off, I asked her if she knew where my son was, she did know but she choose to ignore my call and text

OP posts:
Mummaonherown · 27/12/2024 21:44

@VeterinaryCareAssistant but this is it, he also has agreed with me that he doesn't trust her with our son due to his own childhood. She's called our son fat and refused to put reigns on him when asked, it's the backtracking that I just can't make sense of

OP posts:
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