We’ve been invited to stay with my BIL his wife and their 2 kids for a weekend next year to celebrate one of his kids’ birthday. They live in a small village near a city and we live in a big city and will travel by rail. We don’t drive and due to timings (re either being pregnant/having a newborn vice versa) whenever they’ve invited us round, since they moved there several years ago, it hasn’t been possible for us to even pay them a visit.
So this will be a first visit + sleeping over all at once. If we had a close bond, I probably wouldn’t mind but we don’t. DH and his brother aren’t close, and weren’t even before we met. Also, we only see each other at birthday gatherings, holidays and the odd do at my in-laws. We don’t otherwise “hangout”. When BIL comes to our city, he hangs out with his mates and has been known to be 5 mins away from us and not even let DH know.
My BIL has made no effort to get to know me since I met my DH and his wife is similar - when some friction occurred between us and DH’s parents years ago, BIL sided with his parents (obvs) and remarked to his brother that “the family” didn’t feel they knew me well enough before we got married - that comment and others he has made over the years have cut and have stayed with me. I think he’s projecting because DH is younger and got married + had kids first. BIL met his wife after we had gotten married and he made a point of arranging OTT holidays with his and her parents but aside from that, he made no effort for her to get to know his siblings, so the same can be said.
My BIL and his wife have only become friendlier to us since they’ve had kids of their own before which, they (especially his wife) would simply stare at me, DH and our kids at get togethers. Apart from sending our kids birthday and Xmas presents, they don’t show any interest in them when we all get together - DH and I have concluded that we might just be more at ease with kids and that is why we can be friendly with their kids, offering to hold them and play with them whereas BIL and his wife don’t treat ours the same at all. I have recently noticed how my BIL will avoid directly talking to my DD, who his daughter is very fond of, and will give all of his attention to his own child throughout. Unfortunately for him, his eldest is obsessed with her older cousin and follows my DD around at family do’s.
Technically this is fine, in that there’s nothing wrong with putting your own child first but I see the disappointment in my DD especially as she is a nervous kid, wants to get to know her uncle more and has probably subconsciously sensed or absorbed the past (and probably still present) hostility for being the first grandchild. ((Btw my MIL accidentally insinuated the other day that her elder son ie., my BIL did struggle with his brother getting married first, so this is not my paranoia)).
Problem is DH understands me but feels unable to say no on this occasion as there’s “no real reason” why we can’t make it and he doesn’t want to spend on a hotel as his brother has more than enough space for the 5 of us. My reason is we aren’t close and I don’t want to be put up for a weekend at theirs when we can afford to stay at a hotel and participate in the family activities taking place that weekend.
AIBU to not want to stay at my BIL’s given this history? If so, how do we politely decline?