4 year old goes insane when I go out without her

[YourAmberHam]

About a month ago I started seeing someone and before then it had only been me and my DD since she was born (we live with my mum but she doesn’t help in anyway really) so obviously I’ve started going out sometimes I make sure she is in bed before I go and back before she wakes up however I haven’t told her I was leaving, about 2 weeks ago she woke up and realised my mum was with her and I was out and now she won’t leave my side panicking at bedtime I’m going out if I tell her I am she’s screaming at the window and crying my mum says I need to just not go out and call things off with the man I’m seeing. I need some advice what should I do? Call it off? Carry on not telling her I’m going out or carry on going out but tell her? I feel like I’ve given her anxiety and I feel so bad

You have to power through. I think your Mum could be more supportive with this one.

This isn’t healthy. You are not just a parent, you are an individual who deserves time away from your child, no matter who you choose to spend that with.

keep going with leaving her with your mum and things will get easier.

You can keep going out but make sure she knows in advance when you are doing so. You might need to start small and build back up - tell her you’re going out and will be back in 20 minutes then make sure you return on time. Build up to longer stretches. You just need to build back up the trust until she knows that when you leave you’ll come back, and you won’t leave without telling her.

She’ll get there - just be calm and consistent and keep at it.

Call it off for now. She is still very young and you have plenty of time to date in future. If your mum isn't willing to provide childcare because DD kicks off you have little choice anyway.

Spend the next few years on working on independence for you and your DD.

You should have never gone out and not told her you were going somewhere and you would be back at X, you are going to have ho work to regain that trust now, it is very scary for little children to wake up and their normal care giver not to be there unexpectedly you should have prepped her first.

She needs reassurance that you will always come back and always be there in the morning.
Does she go to school? Then she leaves you. But you at always there at the end of the day.
When she is fed and warm and relaxed I would have a calm and short chat with here.
Along the lines of : You have friends done you DD? What are their names ? And sometimes you spend time with them.
Well Mummy has a friend too. And we spend time together. But in the evening because mummy is a grown up and grown ups have a later bed time. Then grandma comes to take care of you. But Mummy will always be there in the morning when you wake up. And mummy loves you very much.

Don’t label it as anxiety. She has had a shock. With reassurance she will get over it.
I would be kind but firm. And distraction. You could also try a game like hide and seek. You hide first but quickly and in the same room and make it super easy for her to find you. Then swap.
Loving reassurance.

Does she have a good bond with your mum, do they get on well?
If your mum is supportive, you could discuss strategies to work on building up their bond so your DD feels comfortable staying with her. However if she isn't supportive you may need to try to arrange your dates around your daughters schedule, for example meeting during your lunch break at work if you both work near enough to each other to make this work, when your daughter is at school/pre school. Or if you had him round after she went to sleep for dinner, would your mum give you some privacy to hang out in lounge together, and have a monitor on so you hear as soon as she is up and go up to her rather than her coming down and meeting your boyfriend before you are ready for this.

Whatever you do, please do not go out after she is asleep without telling her first. A few tears when you leave is nuch better than her trusting you will be there if she wakes and then you not being.

I think kids always go through a fomo stage of missing things when they are asleep anyway, even if you are just sitting watching TV!

I'd take the Daniel Tiger approach and reaffirm that grown ups always come back, "remember I dropped you at school/nursery, but I always come back to pick you up don't I?" Etc. Daniel Tiger has a great episode all about this which will help and age appropriate (Netflix)

Jheez guilt trip much.

OP left her safe and warm with her grandma. She’s said nothing about introducing this person to DD or letting it affect her as a parent.

Being a single parent can be hard and lonely. DD deserves a mum who is happy and fulfilled in areas other than just being a parent.

What if OP suddenly had to swap to working evening shifts? I agree that DD needs to grow in independence but I don’t think OP has to give up ever going out again to foster this.

@Bex5490
It's not a guilt trip, it is scary for a little one to be left without their main carer giver and not know why, she needed to be prepared before hand, she didn't have to mention who she was going with just "mummy is going to the cinema to see a grown up film and then for something to eat afterwards, mummy will be back tonight and we will have breakfast together. While I'm not here grandma will look after you" etc. it's the not mentioning it that is the issue.

If OP needed to swap to evening shifts then presumably she would warn her child, "mummy is going to work, I will see you in the morning". She wouldn't go off without a word.

I know single parent hood can be hard and lonely, I've been one for 15 years and sacrifices need to be made. Dating costs money, time and emotional energy, OP if living with her mother, needs to spend that time, money and emotional energy on getting herself independent and in her own place to give her and DD the space they need. There is a time for dating but now isn't it really until the basics are covered.

If OP wants to carry on dating then she needs to rebuild DDs trust that she'll always come back, that's the only way to help her through this screaming phase. So lots of going out and coming back when she says she will. Little ones don't have concept of time so you need events, I'm going out but will be back for lunch / bedtime / before Bluey is over or whatever.

I'd build up with short visits like to the corner shop, sit in the car for 5 mins out of sight. But always say goodbye I'll be back before....food, after you've done X with granny etc....and don't be late. It should only take a few weeks and there will be tears.