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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with MIL

18 replies

Ladyingreen999 · 27/12/2024 19:25

MIL asked for suggestions for our and our childrens' Christmas presents. She got us what we'd asked for (and vice versa, and she was very specific about her own present), but none of the children got what we suggested.

She's wealthy and controlling. For the kids, we asked for one voucher each for a sports/activity session, perhaps she thought it was too much as she doesn't like spending money and expects things to cost the same as in the 80s. As it was me who she asked for the gift suggestions (although I discussed it with my husband and they were actually his ideas), by not following any of them she made me feel as if I asked for too much, which is a bit humiliating. Instead, she got them a couple of little things and books from a charity shop. No problem, but why ask in the first place?

And our baby got nothing from her - she made an excuse (lie) as to why she hadn’t got what I'd asked for (or anything else for that matter), but showed me a picture of some amazing "educational" toy she would get her "later" instead - she's way too young for that toy. To me, it's just some weird control issue and quite disrespectful.

Just to clarify it's not a money issue, she's wealthy, and we didn't ask for anything extravagant.

I've decided to never, ever give her any present suggestions even if she begs, and also never ask her what she wants again, just buy her random she doesn't need. Husband agrees but I'm sure he'll forget all about it in a few months whereas I won't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyingreen999 · 27/12/2024 19:27

I was meant to write "random crap she doesn't need" above.

OP posts:
Sirap2 · 27/12/2024 19:31

How much were the vouchers you asked for?

TheWonderhorse · 27/12/2024 19:33

Given they were just suggestions then I wouldn't give it another thought. It doesn't matter. If you had asked specifically for her to get certain things, then she'd agreed and then not bought them I'd understand. But she asked for ideas and ended up choosing her own gifts. That's okay!

GodspeedJune · 27/12/2024 19:35

Really miserly to give gifts from a charity shop IMO. I’d find it hard to buy thoughtful and considerate presents for her in future.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/12/2024 19:35

I kinda feel like you're over thinking this.
Maybe she thought kids get too much anyway and decided on a book.

You keep saying how much money she has....but she doesn't HAVE to spend it!

Lavender14 · 27/12/2024 19:35

Tbh op the only bit I'd be annoyed by is that she's left your youngest out and didn't get them anything. Gifts are not guarantees so while yes it's irritating- it's up to her what she buys and how much or little she spends.

Original poster
Ladyingreen999 · 27/12/2024 19:38

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/12/2024 19:35

I kinda feel like you're over thinking this.
Maybe she thought kids get too much anyway and decided on a book.

You keep saying how much money she has....but she doesn't HAVE to spend it!

You're right, I only mentioned she's got money twice because otherwise every other answer would have been "maybe she can't afford it", people don't read posts in full.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/12/2024 19:41

And now it just makes you look grabby. ;)

I think it's fair enough she didn't get the youngest something but had thought about a good present for when she's a little older.

IKnowAristotle · 27/12/2024 19:44

I think yabu as your response is to sink to her level. Rise above every time.

Original poster
Ladyingreen999 · 27/12/2024 19:44

Sirap2 · 27/12/2024 19:31

How much were the vouchers you asked for?

Not sure as husband always books these things, probably around £50 for the older child and less for the little one, but she could have just got a gift voucher towards the activity for a chosen amount.

OP posts:
Ozgirl76 · 27/12/2024 19:50

My PIL always used to ask for gift ideas and then buy something totally different, normally completely the wrong age for them. So now I just say “money is fine thank you very much” and that’s Xmas sorted.

Original poster
Ladyingreen999 · 27/12/2024 20:01

Ozgirl76 · 27/12/2024 19:50

My PIL always used to ask for gift ideas and then buy something totally different, normally completely the wrong age for them. So now I just say “money is fine thank you very much” and that’s Xmas sorted.

That wouldn't go down well with her, we got a lot of stick for it before our wedding by their side of the family 😅

OP posts:
Ozgirl76 · 27/12/2024 20:15

😂 I’m quite blunt with mine so I said “well you don’t buy them what I suggest anyway!”

Ive told them they can buy what they like but there’s no point asking me for input if they won’t accept it. Either think of something themselves, accept my suggestion or give money.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 27/12/2024 20:42

Just give general themes then “Billy likes Lego. Bobby loves drawing and crafts. Bonny’s obsessed with space and science. Brian’s favourite animal is an elephant so would love anything elephant themed.” then let her get something within that general guidance.

TBH - asking for voucher for activities is another way of asking for cash, it’s still not a toy/gift/thing. Given you know they wouldn’t like to give money, asking for vouchers was odd.

Original poster
Ladyingreen999 · 27/12/2024 20:57

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 27/12/2024 20:42

Just give general themes then “Billy likes Lego. Bobby loves drawing and crafts. Bonny’s obsessed with space and science. Brian’s favourite animal is an elephant so would love anything elephant themed.” then let her get something within that general guidance.

TBH - asking for voucher for activities is another way of asking for cash, it’s still not a toy/gift/thing. Given you know they wouldn’t like to give money, asking for vouchers was odd.

I've never thought of it that way but yeah I suppose it is an a way. I'm too practical 😅

OP posts:
Purplevelvetshoes · 27/12/2024 21:08

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 27/12/2024 20:42

Just give general themes then “Billy likes Lego. Bobby loves drawing and crafts. Bonny’s obsessed with space and science. Brian’s favourite animal is an elephant so would love anything elephant themed.” then let her get something within that general guidance.

TBH - asking for voucher for activities is another way of asking for cash, it’s still not a toy/gift/thing. Given you know they wouldn’t like to give money, asking for vouchers was odd.

I agree with this.

Whilst it would have loved that direction as it makes my life easier I can see why someone else wouldn’t if they didn’t like giving cash gifts.

Maybe when she asked she didn’t mean specific gifts more of ideas so she could choose from - who knows.

But in future don’t ask her what she wants and don’t give specific answers when she asks.

But don’t let it fester for months. I’d bet there is deeper evidence issues here and that’s why it’s set your teeth on edge

yipyipyop · 27/12/2024 21:42

First world problems. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 22:13

You do sound a bit petty to be honest. Does it really matter? If she asks you for recommendations in future just tell DH to deal with it and stay out of it. Resolving to buy her random crap on purpose just seems unnecessarily childish. In the grand scheme of things, it's not actually a big problem is it?

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