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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To bed share with my toddler?

31 replies

graygoose · 27/12/2024 12:20

I’m a single mum, ex-DH and I split up when DC was 10 weeks old - she’s 14 months now. For the last few months she’s slept in the bed with me as it’s been easier than getting out of bed to see to her in the crib. She’s an uneasy sleeper and I find it better for both of our sleep.

My friend was horrified when I told her, she seemed to think that it’ll screw up my DC somehow and she’ll be in my bed until she goes off to uni. I know I probably need to sleep train her or something but I don’t share a bed with anyone else so it’s not like I have a romantic relationship to keep alive.

I do plan to wean her off this eventually, transition her to a small bed and then to her own room but right now she’s just so little. But am I spoiling her by bed sharing and not sleep training her?

AIBU to bed share?

OP posts:
TellmethestoryofO · 27/12/2024 12:25

No harm in it at all, in fact I think it's hugely beneficial if it enables both of you to get a good nights sleep!
We co slept with both of ours, they're now nine and four and sleep perfectly well in their own beds.
Ignore your friend Smile

BarbaraHoward · 27/12/2024 12:25

Of course not. I hate bed sharing and never did it but a friend did until her DD was well over 3. Whatever works for you.

Robin223 · 27/12/2024 12:25

We’ve unintentionally ended up bed sharing with our toddler. We didn’t cosleep until after he was 1, because I could cope with crap sleep on mat leave. He’s a rubbish sleeper and we both have demanding jobs, so it’s the only way to get any decent stints of sleep. It’s not ideal and I’d love him to stay in his cot all night, but I don’t think it’s a big problem. We have no plans to sleep train so it’s either this or spent all night going to and fro.

DarkAndTwisties · 27/12/2024 12:28

My friend was horrified when I told her, she seemed to think that it’ll screw up my DC somehow

She needs to get a grip.

Baileysfeverdream · 27/12/2024 12:29

I co-slept woth my DD till she was about 8, when she decided she'd sleep in her own bed. It worked really well for us - I'm a single parent too, though it was nice to get my own bed back!

I think lots of families have bed hopping at niggt, where toddlers start of in their own beds then get in with parents, I really don't think it damages them at all. Sleeping together is more 'natural' human behaviour then all family members in their own room.

Do what works for you and your DD, and ignore your judgey friend.

Edenmum2 · 27/12/2024 12:29

Your friend needs to wind her neck in

YellowDiamondsInTheSky · 27/12/2024 12:31

Completely normal to bedshare. It’s common amongst many cultures and it’s only really Western European culture that has this notion of separate beds and rooms. You are not messing your child up in any way.

You have a bad sleeper. You need to do whatever you can to survive. If that includes bed sharing then so be it. Those blessed with good sleepers don’t really understand how months and months of sleep deprivation can affect you.

dragonfliesandbees · 27/12/2024 12:31

It's only a problem if it's a problem for you... And it doesn't sound like it is.

Sleeping next to your baby isn't spoiling her, it's giving her comfort and helping her to feel safe and secure. I did the same when mine were little. They are 9 and 6 now and have no issues sleeping in their own rooms. I never sleep trained either of them, it's not necessary. The time to move baby into her own room is when either you or she wants that. It's no one else's business.

InTheRainOnATrain · 27/12/2024 12:37

Your friend is being ridiculous to say it’ll screw her up, of course it won’t. It might cause you problems if you ever want an evening to yourself and for someone else (sitter or relative) to look after her. Totally your choice though and I get that you’re prioritising sleep right now!

doodleschnoodle · 27/12/2024 12:50

DD1 slept in with me till she was 3. She only stopped as DD2 arrived, then she slept in with DH in another room for a little while. She's almost 6 now and sleeps in her own bed all night, and is a very confident and happy little girl. I look back really fondly on our time bed sharing and am glad we did it. DD2 is a totally different kid, she likes to be in her own bed and doesn't want to sleep in with me!

Ibouncetothebeat · 27/12/2024 12:52

Nothing wrong if it is working for you. Mine left my bed at 3 years old. He just decided he was going to sleep in his big boy bed one night.

Have you ever met a teenager still sleeping in their mums bed? They all get out at some point.

Katemax82 · 27/12/2024 12:53

Your friend is being ridiculous. My daughter had a double bed in our last house but my bedroom was on the 3rd floor so she got scared at night. Most nights I slept in her bed. At age 10 we moved house to a bungalow where we are all in closer proximity to each other and she has a single bed so I've not slept with her since (apart from on her floor once when she was being sick in the night)

Sproutssprouts · 27/12/2024 12:53

Are you both feeling well rested is probably the most important question? bed sharing can ultimately lead to worse sleep for parents and kids, sleeping well independently is a skill that often has to be learnt so it’s whether you want to sleep train properly now or at a later stage. For me , my kids keep me awake if in the same bed so it’s a no-brainier but everyone’s different.

MonopolyQueen · 27/12/2024 12:54

Ignore your friend. If it works for you and dc there’s no harm in it at all.

SnowSnow · 27/12/2024 12:55

Ignore your friend. Look up Cosleepy and happycosleeper on instagram they share research on the benefits of bed sharing etc

Meadowfinch · 27/12/2024 13:13

When ex and I split, ds and I shared a 1 bed flat for a year. DS was 2yr, 2 months, and we bed shared until he was 3yr2months.

He loved it and is a secure happy confident boy so clearly didn't do him any harm. He had a nasty habit of star fishing though so I was very glad when we moved into our house and ds had his own bed.

He still joined me most mornings but gradually took to his own bed.

I don't think you have anything to worry about as long as you both get enough sleep.

Brinkley22 · 27/12/2024 15:57

I bed shared with my little girl until she was 3, it was lovely! Then we decorated her bedroom with the colours and things she liked and got her a little bed - now she settles in there and when she wakes up in the night she toddles in and comes and snuggles in with me! I love it, we’re super close and I hope she carries on doing it for a long time!
Do what feels right for you and your DD; what works for your situation! So many people have so many ideas about how other people should parent - to be honest I think probably your choices challenge your friend, so she’s trying to persuade you to do what she does. Also if you don’t want to or need to, don’t sleep train just because someone else tells you to! : )

Onlycoffee · 27/12/2024 16:21

We co slept with my dd in our bed for the same reason as you. It was the only way me and her got decent sleep.
She was still coming in our bed or me going in her bed if she woke in the night until she was 3 or 4, could have been 5. I don't remember, but it definitely wasn't 18!

We had the same comments from my DM, which is obviously so ridiculous, who has ever heard of an adult still sleeping in their parents bed??

Anyway, DD is an adult now and absolutely fine 😁

BahHumbug24 · 27/12/2024 16:24

My kids 3 and 5, come through and get in my bed every night. The 5 year old is more sporadic than the 3 year old - which is to be expected. Doesn't bother me one jot. It's natural for a child to sleep next to their parents.

Muthaofcats · 27/12/2024 16:26

if it makes you feel any better, well trained oldest and they still get into bed with me 5 years later! They’re not going to want to forever; it’s lovely if it’s comforting for you both, why not. Nothing to be horrified by, it’s perfectly natural.

MrsResponder · 27/12/2024 16:31

My DS was 3 in the summer and still sleeps in my bed. I have no problem with it. He's still breastfeeding too, I wish he'd stop that but I'm too knackered to wade through the tantrums. It'll all come to an end at some point, and then be missed. Do what's right for you and your child, it's not any of your friend's business.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/12/2024 16:37

It's great for both of you.
If you plan to date there'll be an issue.
I would consider getting your child a floor small double bed if you do so that you can sleep in your child's bed and just spend time with your partner in your bed if you do date. But in the meantime bed sharing is normal and natural for mammals.

Olika · 27/12/2024 16:38

Don't worry about it. People always have opinions and judge whatever you do. You do what you think is for the best.

Endofyear · 27/12/2024 18:14

Our youngest slept in our bed until he was 3 1/2 and then went into his own little bed with no problems at all. If it works for you and you're both getting sleep, I wouldn't worry what anyone else thinks!

Jingleberryalltheway · 27/12/2024 18:18

I coslept in my bed until they were nearly 2 and then I slept a chunk of time in their beds. Mine are 8 and 5 now and once a week I sleep in each of their beds.

In many cultures it’s the norm for every child to sleep with an adult until around 7 and it would be frowned upon to not cosleep.