How to amor up?

[Getonthebus]

A few months ago after a massive bereavement my long term partner left to live with his pall around the corner.

We had problems, no doubt. But I thought we could work through them.

I was, still am suffering with the massive loss. I was upset and was told I was being hysterical and he left.

Since then, it’s been a real shit show of the months leading up to Christmas. I have been trying to hold everything together (school run/ dog walk/ work) sometimes I can manage and sometimes I just can’t.

We did manage to find some clarity, we told each other we loved each other and could find a new way to have a relationship for our child (4) I then found out, not surprisingly there’s someone else on the scene.

It makes me think somehow all this was planned, was this person waiting in the wings? Had the pall/ new roommate set something up for them both? I feel lied to and betrayed.

He sends me messages saying if he’s worried about my mental heath and telling others I’m ’deranged’. I do y think he is actually worried/ concerned about me at all. Everything is a battle I’ve been blocked from all socials as well as streaming platforms (which is fine because he took the TV)

To say I don’t feel comfortable at home is an understatement. For years this person belittled and undermined me in lots of different ways I’m only starting to unpack and understand now.

My friends are amazing, I’m trying to build back my confidence through them.

I am already dreading (shaking/ crying/ feeling super anxious) having to go back after the Christmas break,(we’re staying with family) I’d love to leave but I can’t and I know he won’t. Plus school is close by.

I have written this a few times then deleted it in fear. But my story is true regardless of being told it’s not for so long. So long.

Maybe someone has a similar experience and can offer advice/ tips about how to go with grace and not be so overwhelmed/ effected.

Hi, Op. I have just come from your other thread where you said you have received a threatening message.
Your posts, this one and your other thread are lacking in detail.
For instance in this post,

• you talk of being scared to go back but it is not clear why.

• it seems he has moved out of the jome you share?

• your title and content do not match up. 'Amor up' against what exactly?

• are you trying to get him back? Refuse him seeing your DC? It is not clear why he has this campaign against you e.g concerns about your mental health etc

I think both posts need more detail and clarification, so you can get the help you need.

What do you mean by armor up?
Also, why do you have 'to go back' if it is so awful, and if he has moved in with a new 'pal', why are you scared - he isn't there
All very confusing

OP, it sounds like you have been through a really tough time with this person. I'm a bit unsure as to whether your ex has returned to live in your home or whether he's still living with the friend around the corner?

It is natural to want some kind of closure after a break-up, and our sense of injustice and betrayal can leave us feeling that it's all been left too incomplete for us to be able to move on, as you say "to go with grace and not be so overwhelmed". This really is the key ‐working on the details of how the break-up unfolded will not necessarily support you rebuilding your sense of security and happiness. It sound as if you are doing all the right things: taking comfort in your friends and family, keeping up the regular routines of family life as well as you can, and importantly, starting to pay attention to the real feelings of hurt you experienced in the relationship.

Whereas I understand the analogy of wanting to 'armour up' in a bid to protect yourself from future hurt as you continue, by necessity given that you share a child, to navigate life with this person, albeit not in a romantic relationship, I think you will also find strength and comfort in cultivating a sense of compassion and empathy for yourself and what you have been through. Sure, take small practical steps to 'toughen up' your boundaries but don't inflict the hurt of hardening emotionally on yourself. Your feelings are what gives your life colour and flavour, they're your breadcrumb path out of this difficult place so protect your heart.

I’m scared because of the threats and comments on my poor mental heath. I’m not trying to get his back. He’s seeing our child which I’m trying to navigate.

i am away for the he Christmas holidays going back to our home which he’s not in in January

Thank you

Reading your other thread, you need to report to the police.
Please do.
Can you stay away till you obtain a non-molestation order?
Don't worry about him having contact with your son right now. He is not a safe person. Get the non-mol.
So sorry you are going through this.

Thank you, yes it’s been a really tough time. I spoke to the police today which was incredibly difficult because I’m so worried about any backlash. I’d love to stay away but school will be back in January and so should we.

Have the police given you any useful advice?
Are they taking it seriously?
Will they be doing something to help?

Thanks for asking, I hope so. I’ll have a reference number if I need to contact them again. Thankfully we are not in our home town. I am not looking forward to going back

When you get back home, inform them you are back and that you are concerned for you and your son's safety.
Ask them what they can do to protect you both. Get something concrete from them. Insist that your contact with them is logged.
You should give them other instances of concerning behaviour your ex-partner has displayed towards you.
DV/threats from partners is still not handled right by police, you need to insist.
Sorry, you are going through this, @Getonthebus .