Any advice re divorce/custody?

[Helpinghand1234]

I’m looking for advice regarding how to wisely handle divorce/custody issues.

Theres quite a long back story (see previous threads but briefly DH is from a very enmeshed farming family, I found out he’d been saying awful things about me to mil, assassinating my character to his friends etc and just generally lying) I’ve thought long and hard and I think in the new year I’m going to contact a solicitor to get my ducks in a row and see what my options are. All the trust in our marriage is gone and the only reason to stay is because I’m afraid of him and his toxic family having unsupervised access to DC.

The home we live in was owned by me mortgage free previous to marriage. It’s still only my name on the deeds. I pay all of our bills (only my name on all of them) and he has never contributed anything towards the cost of running our lives (all his money goes back into his family farm.)

We have a DS who is 15 months, and I’m pregnant with DC2.

As the house is so close to his family farm, my initial thoughts is to move away to get a clean break (either rent or sell)

AIBU to think In a perfect world DH would only get supervised visits with DC as he has previously demonstrated he’s not reliable or trustworthy. He’s taken DS in the car with no car seat, and regularly takes his nieces and nephews on tractors, quad bikes etc with no helmets or safety precautions. Not to mention his extremely toxic DM. The messages I found between them were both of them regularly calling me names, insults etc so Im
certain this would continue in front of my DC. DH would never be able to rent/buy a house so would have to go back and live with his family, even though it’s only a two bedroom property and his DF has one room and DM the other so DC would be around this dynamic. He also works long hours-3am- 7pm approx so any unsupervised time he had DC they would be left with mil.

Does anyone have any advice how I should handle this, or anyone been through divorce with very young children? Do you have any regrets or think you did the right/wrong thing? I’d love to think we can work through things- I’ve put on a polite face over Xmas but I’m really struggling with trust as to my face he’d always given the impression he was really happy but all the while was making up lies about me to family and friends.

Thank you in advance.

The sooner you divorce the more likely this is to be seen as a short marriage, and you to be able to keep the house. I’d stay put until after the divorce is finalised, it being your children’s home will help.

you do need to be realistic about contact though. It’s very unlikely he’ll only get supervised contact based on what you’ve said. It’s absolutely not a good reason though to stay in a marriage where you aren’t happy.

I think the bar for denying unsupervised access is pretty high. The presumption is in favour and you read on here stories of how ExH who had been physically abusive to their wives are allowed unsupervised access to the children. Sorry. I know it's not what you want to hear. I think you have a tough road ahead, but finding a good solicitor and talking to them is the right way ahead.

It's likely he may have some claim on equity in the house even though he hasn't paid into it, so you need legal advice. If you've not been married long and you owned it before the marriage you'd likely have a claim to the majority of it. You won't be able to impose supervised contact however.

50:50 would be the starting point for custody. Supervised access only, will not happen I think, the examples you give are not extreme enough to effect custody.

Does he have any ownership in the family farm?

Your house is a marital asset so he may be entitled to half of that in a split. The length of the marriage may effect this.

Good luck op, going it alone is not easy but better than being trapped in a marriage full of contempt and resentment.

Get good legal advice.
He is probably entitled (assuming you are in England and Wales) to 50% ish of your house as an "asset of the marriage", but equally you probably have a claim against the farm which will be useful in negotiations.
Also forget the word Custody - the terms are Residency and Access. It is generally seen as good for children to have access to both parents. But on the other hand you can't force a non-resident parent to turn up.

Although I agree with PP that it's unlikely that you would be able to restrict access, do gather as much evidence as you can of the toxic messages and unsafe behaviours. You may be able to get specific issue or prohibited steps provisions around the tractor/car/helmet issues.

Cafcass involvement can be helpful if you don't want 50:50 residency.

You should expect to split the assets and time with the children. Time to find out what your mortgage capacity is.

Child arrangements - the terms are now ‘lives with’ and ‘spends time with’ if you are in England & Wales.

The presumption is that the children have the right to know and spend time with both parents. It is extremely unlikely that given the examples you have provided you would be successful in arguing that contact should only be on a supervised basis.

As you were married, the overriding factor in the financial aspect of any separation will be the needs of you both and the children . Given that the farmhouse is only a two bedroom property it is unlikely that the court would expect him to return to live with his parents. The court would look at you both needing a property within reasonable proximity of children’s school. The court would look at all available assets in either of your names and would try to divide these in accordance with your ‘need’. Each of your mortgage capacities will be relevant to calculate this.

The court will look at the whole length of your relationship - cohabitation to separation - not just the marriage bit. The fact that the house was yours prior to marriage and he has made little financial contribution is unlikely to be hugely relevant unless there are sufficient assets to allow both of your needs to be met (which it doesn’t sound like there are).

You need to obtain good legal advice ASAP.

You signed up to have children with him, if you leave as other posters have said the starting point will be 50:50 - and should be.

Get some professional legal advice.

Residency and access aren't terms that are used in English family law either. It's about care arrangements, sometimes termed 'live with' as part of an order if an order is needed.

It's highly unlikely that he wouldn't be allowed unsupervised contact with his children. The house may be in your name but if you are married, it's a shared asset so he would legally have a claim. You need proper legal advice asap.

I think I might move and get the children settled in nurseries. Suddenly, without warning. Put the house on the market from there. It's not the proper way to do things but if the children are settled it will be very hard for your husband to get them back and he is wedded to the farm so won't go far from it. If he had been verbally abusing you behind your back you could make a case that it was negatively affecting your mental health to stay in that claustrophobic environment. Perhaps visit the GP to say that before you go.

Talk to a good solicitor, and if you must go to an online support forum
https://divorce.wikivorce.com/ will be more useful to you.

Although 50:50 is mentioned a great deal this is as a proportion of all assets, so if your H has a stake in the farm or a pension from elsewhere that could equal your house.

My problem was that although the house was mine with tiny mortgage when we got together it was the "marital home" which was true although it wasn't an asset of the marriage,

In the summer me and my partner of 10 years who is a farmer separated. Best thing thats ever happened to the children and I and I wish I'd done it long ago. Farm in his parents name, and id stupidly agreed to take a vehicle out under the farms so left with nothing but clothes and some furniture I owned before I met him. I probably have claim to stuff but honestly its not worth the fight. Regarding the children...Will he even want them 50:50? If he is working long hours, then he can't be parenting. You might find, as I have, that they don't actually want to fight you for them. My kids go to his one night a week, and even then they aren't keen to because he isn't looking after them very well. I was advised to avoid going down a court route if he wasn't as he might then request them more and I couldn't do anything about it because in the courts eyes, years of physical and verbal abuse towards me, being an alcoholic, who does bare minimum with the kids isn't enough to stop them going. Its beyond belief. Anyway, when calving, he can't have them overnight anyway since he will be out during the night. Can't offer advice regarding your house but with the kids, his job makes it impossible for 50:50

I think @Beakz is right, being in farming will likely make your H less likely to ask for more time with the children.