I really empathise with you, it is a brutal awakening when you realise that 99% of the ‘Magic of Christmas’ is just the magic of women’s tireless, thankless, invisible and unseen work.
I have had some brutal conversations with myself over the years, and with DH and with everyone.
One of the things that I think we don’t talk about as much is the pressure women put on women to do Christmas ‘right’ because frankly a lot of men could not give a fuck.
I like you am not long out of a renovation and this year I noticed that all the lovely interior decor people I followed for inspiration were going into insane overdrive with handmade decor and mantel swags and homemade orange slices and garlands and ‘sourced’ vintage decorations. I have actually made a vow to switch off idly flicking through my interiors insta account from august onwards as from there to Jan it’s just relentless fall/halloween/christmas invented work that we do not need to do. One wreath: fine. Everything else I’m saving up for and getting from balsam hill.
Presents, Christmas Eve boxes, bla bla - fuck it all off. I’ve agreed with sister that not doing presents with each other, don’t do presents with DH but we do some extravagant sale shopping together. Only buy for kids and parents and don’t go too crazy on parents as they don’t like want or need it. Shove niblings £20 each and mine get same from aunts etc. My mum would prob prefer more froufrouness, but she actually gave herself a nervous breakdown at my age from trying to do all the things all the time, so I avoid accepting her advice as gospel. I have actually realised A LOT of my festive burnout comes either overtly or unconsciously from my mother’s expectations of me, so it’s worth thinking about who in your life makes you feel stressed out around this time and why.
Do you have long term renovation burnout as well? It’s completely brutal and exhausting, it took me a good year and a half to recover.
Re DH - figure out what is on him to do and hand it over completely. Re presents - I have rationalised this this way: I’m a bit of a control freak and I enjoy getting kids to do their letters etc and then sorting out thw shopping which this year was a couple of mammoth online sessions and two quite fun trips shopping on my own, 45 mins each. I buy all the wrapping etc myself and enjoy that aspect. I tell myself there’s a lot of women out there every year who would love a generally caring responsible loving husband who shares all income and is happy for me to buy carte blanche whatever the hell I feel like the kids want/need and then is suitably grateful that he didn’t have to do it. But that’s because that is what works for us.
Maybe think about booking a day’s holiday together when the kids are at nursery or whatever, deciding on and shopping for the bulk of the Santa lists together then getting lunch.
Basically every year think NOW anout what has worked for you, what you hated and resented or was expensively pointless and try and remember that! I now make a Christmas note to read the following year in my diary to remind me what to do and not do (A memorable one was remember that no one appreciates or gives a fuck about your Jamie Oliver gravy so don’t bother).