To feel totally burnt out by Christmas

[NewMomma21]

I guess I’m hoping I might find some solidarity on here.

Im completely exhausted after Christmas, really to the extent that I couldn’t honestly say I enjoyed it all that much. I have two DS 1&3. Both have been sick constantly since older DS began preschool. Both have had a lot of sick nights, GP visits and on occasion A&E visits. I haven’t had a full nights sleep since August.

In the lead up to Christmas I got the flu myself had essentially no time to recover, still had to organise all the gifts, and DS 1 ended up in A&E with bad tonsillitis. DS is a high needs child at the best of times and cries a lot .

I feel like I’ve just sleep walked through Christmas. While I’ve enjoyed seeing DS happy with their gifts I’ve just felt very little joy. The mental load of organizing everything, work, the constant noise of DS1 whinging, the lack of sleep. It’s just so hard.

It will get better as they get older. Not all Christmases are equal.

Also it is hard work. Next wunter buy some Sambucol immune defence elderberry cordial to ward off the bugs.

That sounds really hard are you on your own with the kids? Being a single mum always makes t hings worse.

The good news is that it's over now.

Why not spend this morning packing the tree away and getting a bunch of daffodils on the table and look forward to spring!

No I have a DH but he shoulders very little of the burden. The mental load of everything falls to me. We do a secret Santa in my family and the gifts were all chosen and bought by me. I bought and chose all the children’s presents. Even small things are starting to weigh on me like always having to be the one to make sure we have the correct food and enough supplies in the changing bag when visiting family. It’s all so never ending.

I asked DH to pick me up some nice flowers on Christmas Eve but he forgot.

I will take your advice and pick some up for myself today.

OP I feel the same but with older teenager. I do think it's worth tackling the fact that everything falls to you. I don’t know how easy it is for you to have a frank, serious conversation with your DH. It's been the same with my DH and it hasn't got any better. I feel totally ground down by it and thoroughly sick of still having to buy everyone's presents and do all the hard work to make Christmas after nearly 20 years of complaining about it!
Don't become me! Tackle it now and hopefully he can do better next Christmas.

yanbu for being exhausted and “spent”. If you are working too, it must be very stressful (not sure if you are). If not, whilst you have the time, it’s easy for a dp to underestimate how much workload there is with two little ones.

I would be tempted to dial everything right down for a few months - don’t worry about play dates, kids parties, days out or New Year’s Eve or visiting family. Live off easy meals like tomato pasta or omelettes or jacket potatoes with beans. Put yourself first and tell dh that you are at your physical and emotional limit and then prioritise sleep and healthy walks and more sleep.

I'm in a similar position from a mental load perspective. The organising, thinking and planning is all done by me. DH will help but it's the same old 'tell me what to do' which I refuse to do as quite frankly, no-one provides me with a list. It can be tiring especially with young kids.
DC are older now (7 and 10) and I've realised that he'll never change but he is good at doing repeatable tasks. So whilst I buy the food and plan meals, he cooks it. He does all the kids stuff in the mornings like packed lunches and breakfasts. He keeps the kitchen tidy (dishes etc) and does the bins. I'm not a clean freak so his lack of housework doesn't bother me too much - things get tidied as we go.
It's not perfect but I don't feel too burdened these days. I manage all the household finances and bills but that's a job I won't let him near so there's no point in complaining about it.

The feeling of little joy really resonates but for me it's because of sleep deprivation mostly.
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old, and the 1 year old has never slept well (and is always awake by 5:30am at the absolute latest) but this Christmas he's got some kind of virus (possibly HFM) and I feel absolutely exhausted with it all. I can't even complain that my DH doesn't help because he does (although was taken out with flu the week leading up to Christmas). I haven't had to cook and my family don't do adult Christmas presents. I did organise all the kids presents entirely though.
But I still feel completely depleted. I think also because I went back to work in November it's all feeling very overwhelming.
There isn't really anything I enjoy or look forward to. It's just all drudgery with no break. I'm told it gets better...!!

YANBU at all and I totally relate. Hope your DC and you are all on the mend now and that you get a break soon. This season of life is hard!! We will sleep again one day! That's what I keep telling myself anyway.

Ah of course, some berry juice and vitamin c to save Christmas

I remember the second Christmas with DS (almost two). I just felt no joy at all. It was just relentless drudgery. I remember even writing a list of things that made me happy on my phone while walking the dog (the highlight of that Christmas Day) as I couldn't remember the last time I felt genuinely happy. DS is now seven and it's much much easier. I've now gone very low expectations on the day itself. We stay home - family can come to us if try wish but we're not travelling. We do a buffet of picky bits because DS never wanted to stop playing with toys to eat a massive lunch. It's made like much easier and enjoyable.

YANNNNNNNNNBU!

I am so tired from lack of sleep I really feel my nervous system is on fire

YANBU. It's a lot and I already feel at full capacity as a single mum with three kids and a full time job. In the past 6 months I've dealt with a separation, a house move, starting a new job, trying to mediate with abusive ex, dealing with the practicalities of divorce, and just generally the fairly constant low level stream of abuse from exH. Sorting out Christmas on my own has just about tipped me over the edge.

The difference between my situation and yours though is that you have a husband who should be pulling his weight. It's completely unfair for him to leave it all to you.

Xmas is exhausting. I've got teenagers and I'm as tired now as I was when they were small (and with less energy and menopausal!)

I spent most of boxing day lying on the sofa snoozing once our guests had left. No drink, no leftovers. And I'm exhausted after 8hrs in bed!

I think just try to catch up on some sleep op, snooze when the children are playing.

If you're not even enjoying the fruits of your labour then dial it fight back:
Order gifts online
Invest in gift bags that you just tie up
On Xmas day forget the big meal, do a 'favourite things' buffet or head to your local for lunch
Don't bother buying for dh or his family and agree no presents for each other. Invest in a great shared experience instead.If you must host make it mulled wine and mince pies only!

Invest time in the stuff you enjoy and strip everything else to the bare minimum and have fun!

Christmas 1999 was an absolute peach for me. My children were 5 and 6 and I'd been a single parent for 3 years. Noro virus was doing the rounds. Eldest son and I got it and were so ill my mother came and collected the 3 of us and took us back to hers. That meant she caught it and was bedridden for 2 weeks along with youngest son who had managed to avoid it up to then . My father was having chest pains on NYE but found some dog mess on the drive and went out to scrub it off with hot water and a brush.That triggered a full heart attack. He ended up in hospital in Birmingham having a triple bypass. My mother was so ill they wanted to take her to our local hospital . By the time we got back to our house all the needles had fallen off the Christmas tree, the fruit in the bowl had gone to mush and my car battery had completely died. We got through it and the year 2,000 was the year my life completely changed. It was an absolutely bloody awful Christmas though.

Agree with others you need to reset your thinking and make it more manageable and enjoyable for yourself.

You haven't said what your Christmas looked like. Did you host? Yours and or DH family? Who bought cards and gifts for his family?

I stopped hosting Christmas and Easter very quickly as it was just too stressful for me and I hated the 'anything I can do' comments when it was obvious what needed to to be done - washing up, bins etc. This included DH and my family. We never hosted his family and the one time they did come I left it all for him to organise.

This is what I would recommend. Decide what sort of Christmas you want, things you won't compromise on and the special/family traditions you want. Then plan around this. Cut down on children Santa gifts, give 1 or 2 main gifts to children. If you're working buy M&S ready made sides etc. it really is not worth getting into a frazzle over.

BTW do t expect your DH to change, they don't. They want the lively family Christmas but not the work. What fantastic gift did he get you btw?

Gosh yes it’s exhausting. 3yr old here too with early starts and lots of hosting too….pretty relentless really. I’m wondering when the holiday will start 🤣

Wow everyone thank you so much for the supportive messages. I feel instantly better reading each of them.

To answer some questions- DH contributes financially but does not contribute to the running of household. He is chronically untidy and at times my life is significantly more difficult because of him. He is the type to say I’ll cook dinner… what will I cook? Do we have x ingredients for that? He didn’t do anything to organise any gift for anyone I did everything. I work and work has become a sanctuary for me. It’s a break from the relentlessness of parenting two small children.

On Christmas Day we visited my family in the morning and moved on to DMIL in the afternoon. MILs dinner ran two hours late. DC were cranky and tired (and hungry!). Relatives had kindly bought DC gifts but wouldn’t allow them open them until dinner was finished which was obviously difficult for them to understand. I brought them home at bedtime and for the 3rd year in a row I missed the desserts (which I made) to take DC home so DH could remain with his family for the night.

I just feel a bit sad and worn out. I honestly just want to pack the tree and decorations away and send DH out with DC so I can clean and restore some kind of order.

DH and I decided not to do gifts as we have just finished a renovation on the house and we didn’t have the mental capacity or finances to chose expensive gifts. I did ask for a specific box of chocolates and some flowers from a shop he was visiting neither of which he remembered to get. He is very bad at choosing gifts, always last minute and very little thought so it was actually better to have nothing then to have spent time and money choosing something for him to be disappointed when nothing/something inconsiderate materialises from him.

YANUB

DS(16) had mock exams right up to the end of term. DD(13) has had a punishing brass band schedule right up to 22!!

I now have 4 days until I'm back to work. This is my time. If everyone has to eat toast, so be it.

So for next year - do as we do and just stay at home with your immediate family - DH and kids. We ringfence this time and occasionally divert from it but certainly don’t alternate each set of in laws each year - we have it at home and see wide family around the festive period. It does mean as we have now - lots of hosting as people are here but at least the kids would be in their own house/ you don’t need to miss pudding and you’re in control of food and timings. We have a relatively “normal” day of good time wise and now have Christmas “lunch” at 5pm with is DS normal tea time.

*food not good

Honestly if one more person suggests it must be DC diet that is causing their illnesses I might actually combust! DC eat a varied and healthy diet. I painstakingly grate vegetables into every one of their made from scratch dinners. Preschool DC has been at home since birth and had probably and under developed immune system hence the avalanche of illnesses. DC 1 contracted RSV at 2 weeks old and has been prone to bronchiolitis since.

YANBU but I would say I’m currently sitting on the sofa in PJ’s because I need time to recover from the month of December. I intend to very little between now and returning to work in Jan.