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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that dh shouldn't b going out tonight????

25 replies

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 10:35

Ok, its his best mates 30th birthday on Sunday. We have the party tomorrow so need to get pressie and there will be a bar so money for drinks and also a cab home possibly.

One of his friends then phone on Weds and said that they are doing poker and takeaway at his house tonight for said best friends birthday. They usually play 3 games of poker at £10 a time and then cost of takeaway on top.

My point being that we need to be careful again this month with money and we also have our ds birthday and mine which we are doing things for both.

Dh said he would go tonight as it is his mates birthday. Well, we are going out tomorrow aren't we???

AIBU? Dd has asked for Alvin and the Chipmunks DVD and dh has said no cos we can't afford it????

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 02/05/2008 10:41

If you can't afford to go then he can't go, simple.
If you can't afford the DVD for DD then how can he explain affording £50(ish) for an evening round his mates house plus the night out?
YANBU

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 10:43

I know, exactly. I haven't asked him this question yet.

However, I am the one who will have to put up with the tantrums and moods and him ignoring everyone in the house for the whole of the weekend if he doesn't go tonight.

Its not as if its the only night that he will be able to see his friend and not his friends birthday until Sunday anyway.

Sorry, did I mention he was 30 not 13!!!

OP posts:
VictorianSqualor · 02/05/2008 10:45

Oh, he can go, if he explains to DD why he can afford poker and a takeaway but not a DVD, and goes along with no money, you're not stopping him going, just stopping him spending.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 10:53

Ah yes. See thats the thing. I don't mind him going. I would quite happily enjoy a quiet night in with the tv, a bath and a book before bed. Whilst he is out with his mates. However, he can't join in with the poker or takeaway.

I think the word 'priorities' springs to mind when talking about my dh.

He would rather go out tonight and spend the time and money on himself than on his children and myself.

Last week we went shopping on a budget so I was buying the cheap 'value' range stuff inc. bread for us all. However, hubby can't have value bread and buys the finest range bread from the bakery. I was

Why should myself and my children be any different from him, except it always seems that way.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 02/05/2008 10:54

Can you not drink and therefore drive home from the party, saving the cab fare AND some drink money? This could then be used for DD's chipmunk dvd.

However, if your DH goes out regularly and spends this sort of money then you are NOT being unreasonable asking him to cut back this month.

wingandprayer · 02/05/2008 10:56

Why does he need to play poker for money anyway- could just play for chips? That way he saves £30, your DD could have DVD, you could have a bit more towards the shopping and you can all eat posh bread!

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 10:58

I rarely drink anyway but don't drive so it is up to hubby to do the driving. He however CANNOT go to a party without getting drunk.

Another long conversation that myself and his friends have had with him. Why does he need to drink to enjoy himself and get completely hammered in the process ??

Does that mean that being with myself amd all of his friends and being at a great party with good food and music, isn't fun??

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 10:59

Lol at posh bread, it was horrible anyway, it had poppy seeds all over the top, yukkkkk!

His friends all play for money and one friend never plays just for chips as he says no-one takes it seriously if money isn't involved.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 02/05/2008 11:01

How do you arrange your finances? does your dh have his own money?

if my dh wanted to go out it would come from his money - we each have an account and each month we put an equal amount into it - same each month. If I want to buy clothes, or go out, or buy books, or something just for me, it comes out of that, and the same goes for him

the other money, the joint money, is where shopping/bills/children's stuff comes out

if this is a regular thing with your dh, putting his needs before the kids, then you need to rearrange your finances so that he has a budget that he can do what he likes with. Then if he has no money for poker, he has no money for poker, and that's the end of it

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 11:10

Dh works whilst I look after the children. All of his wages goesinto his account. I get the child benefit and working taxcredit into my bank account.

I pay for everything the children need clothes, shoes, school trips, outings during holidays etc.....

Hubby pays for bills and food shopping plus whatever else he decides. If I want to go out I have to use my bank account.

OP posts:
catsmother · 02/05/2008 11:51

He sounds just like the poor woman writing recently about her knob of a husband insisting on his "right" to football jollies irrespective of the fact that meant sacrifising a family holiday instead.

I am at how you and the kids have to eat value bread whilst he - lord and master presumably ? - is somehow entitled to the best money can buy. That sort of attitude (where the man got the meat and everyone else got the bones) may have had some practical reasoning behind it in the 19th Century if he was toiling down a mine all day and needed the strength for hard physical labour and the 10 mile round walk each day, but in the 21st Century that sort of attitude is contemptuous.

What is it with these types of "men", who are in fact, the most selfish immature group of tossers ?? Their sheer arrogance astounds me ..... this "I am more important than you" approach, usually accompanied by an unswerving "loyalty" to mates (irrespective of the financial cost) at the expense of their wives and kids. Selfish fuckwit men like this shouldn't be in a relationship, never mind have kids. (I know I am stating the obvious and I know that's not necessarily very helpful ...... I just feel so much for women in your position I really do).

catsmother · 02/05/2008 11:52

(sacrificing)

VictorianSqualor · 02/05/2008 11:56

at the bread thing, I'd have fed it to the birds.
That's just terrible, and how anyone can put themselves before their children with food I do not understand!

catsmother · 02/05/2008 11:58

I think you're going to get a lot of people saying that your financial arrangements are unfair. Ultimately of course it's none of our business so long as you are both happy with the way you deal with money coming into the household, but it doesn't sound like you are happy - and it also seems that this setup allows your H greater freedom in treating himself whenever he fancies.

Most people probably operate on the basis that ALL money is family money ..... this pays all necessities and then, what's left is divided equally into personal spends. Don't be swayed, or feel you make "less" contribution to the household because your work is unpaid. Without it, he would have to pay someone else to do what you do instead.

VictorianSqualor · 02/05/2008 12:03

I agree with catsmother, if something is needed in our hosue it is bought or paid, and whatevers left we don't split into two, but it will be worked out fairly what it is to be spent on, kids first, then if one of us wants something or has plans it goes on that, or it doesn't get spent.
But if DP or I wanted to do something and we couldn't afford it, we wouldn't do it, especially if we already had other things planned.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 13:49

Ok, just phoned him amd mentioned this evening.

He was unaware that it was takeaway as well as poker but it is as I was informedby the 'host' for the evening.

He then asked if I was in a mood cos he was going out for takeaway and poker. I said I wasn't moody but thought that as we were seeing him tomorrow night then was no reason to go out tonight aswell.

He then got all moody and said' Fine I won't go out then' Huff Huff! Isaid I didn't mind him going out but would rsther he didn't spend £30 on poker as well as takeaway when we have got tomorrow night to apy for aswell.

'Fine, I won't go then' he said again and just huffed and put the phone down.

Not once in that conversation did I say he couldn't go. He now has me all and awaiting his return from work where I know he will be moody and not talk to anyone. He has probably already made the phone call to his mates saying 'dw won't let me out tonight' where it should be 'Sorry I can't make it but I am unable to tonight but look forward to seeing you tomorrow'.

Oooooh he makes my blood boil. Arrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhh, and breathe.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 02/05/2008 13:49

over here HappyNewYearFeet

up the bloody revolution

Cappuccino · 02/05/2008 13:51

because I do think your finances are depressing, massively, offensively unfair and need sorting asap

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 13:56

Thanks cappuccino.

Lets hope dh see's it from my point of view as it is difficult to make him listen at the best of times.

He doesn't do sit down, sensible talks.

OP posts:
alarkaspree · 02/05/2008 13:58

I think he knows you are right, so he's said he won't go, but feels disappointed that he can't go, so he is sulking about it.

You could, if you wanted to reduce the chances of him sulking all weekend, say something sympathetic along the lines of 'I know you're disappointed that we couldn't afford for you to go out tonight, shall we get a DVD out (or whatever)'. I might just tell him to grow up though.

And I agree with everyone else that his attitude to your family money is disgraceful.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 14:02

I was thinking of 'easing the pain' by suggesting a dvd or similar. Although I did say he could go but not play poker. He will still be socialising and be out with his mates which is where he wants to be.

OP posts:
windygalestoday · 02/05/2008 14:03

you could say .......i know lets get a dvd ...oh i fancy alvin and the chipmonks !!

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 14:05

Lol, windygalestoday, that would really be the icing on the cake. I think WW3 would start if I said that!!

Tee Hee!!

Shall I call him again or leave him to stay in a mood?? I hate him coming home in a mood as it is not fair on the children.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 02/05/2008 14:13

He is acting like a child so let him sulk and ignore him, just like you would to a sulky child.

He is only sulking in the hope it will make you feel bad enough to tell him to go, then if you argue with him at a later date about money he will say 'well you told me to go'

Don't give in. stand your ground woman.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 02/05/2008 14:16

Ok, I'm standing my ground, I'm standing my ground. [chants over and over]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roll on 5pm, not!

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