To want to buy DH a one-way ticket back to his home country next Christmas so we don’t have deal with his sulking??

[TheDancingHorses]

DH and I emigrated over 8 years ago with our 3DCs. Although it was my idea to emigrate, DH agreed to it of his own free will.

However, every single Christmas, new year and birthday he is in a bad mood. He’s quiet, sulky and withdrawn and spends the day/evening doing as little as possible with me and our DC. He also acted like this for around 2.5 years (pretty much every day) from 2021 to 2023 and it has put a big strain on our relationship, and his relationship with our 3 DC.

While I thought our move was a mutual decision, he turned round about 4 years ago and told me he never wanted to move and only did it cos I forced him. Sadly he lost his mum in 2022 so I can understand that was really hard. He did go and spend nearly 4 months in his home country to be with her before she passed. I’ve also suggested moving back permanently but he says he doesn’t want to.

With this in mind, I’ve tried to be understanding and pick up the slack at home, and with our DC. But, 2024 has been really tough - I’ve lost my mum, my Dsis had cancer, and DD22’s partner kicked her out of their home last month despite her being 30 weeks pregnant at the time. I therefore thought DH might make a bit more effort this Christmas but he really didn’t. So much so that all three DC commented on it separately.

I’m just sick and tired of his sulking and would rather he just wasn’t around to bring the mood down. Right now, I can’t be bothered to speak to him (not that he listens to me much anyway). But, I’m trying so as to not bring the atmosphere down any more.

Maybe a one way ticket would be a bit harsh, but would it be unreasonable to suggest he spends next Christmas and new year back in his home country without us?

He's using the move as an excuse to manipulate you into doing all the work. If he was serious about it, he would have jumped at the chance to discuss moving back.
Sounds like he's checked out of the marriage :(

Moving for a partner is a major thing and I think you are unreasonable in expecting him to just not care that all major holidays are separated from his extended family/friends, his culture and things he values. You say he chose to, but he’s likely right that he moved for you not for himself. He’s given up a lot. Not that this means it’s ok to be anything for forever.

Moving back isn’t so simple either - especially given the ages of your children (you are asking him to move away from his children and grandchild at this point).

Have you considered both of you spending Christmas in his home country? Or is it that you want the marriage to end without actually telling him you want to separate and this is a way to pretend it’s just him spending time at home?

Some people have tenuous connections to place, and moving is no big deal. For others it’s very distressing and is a wound they feel long term. I’d be concerned your husband has not adapted and is not coping and you both need to figure out a better way to do things.

What do you want @TheDancingHorses ? Do you want to move back with your DH or not? If not, then present him the option of either staying with you and the kids or you will begin divorce proceedings and at the end of it, he moves back to his own country. They are the options available to him. He gets to pick. If he decides to stay, he does it under the condition that he stops moping around like a teenager and snaps out of whatever mood he's been in for the past number of years.

This. He’s using it to get his own way. Very manipulative. I’d want to be as far away from him as possible if I were you!

need to be very honest with yourself about what you want
regardless of whether he moves back do you want to be in a relationship with him anyway- how old are the children

I suggest that you search for a user called JamaisJadore (I think). She hasn’t posted for a few years now, but I think you will identify with her posts about a sulking husband spoiling Christmas, birthdays and holidays. She was mainly on the Relationship board.

Thanks for all the replies.

@RubyOrca you make some good points and it’s true that he’s struggling to adapt. I had no idea how much his whole identity is tied in with where he’s from before we moved. I think I’ve been pretty understanding and worked hard to compensate for his moods with our DC but this year his behaviour has really upset me as I’d hoped he would step up a bit as I’ve had such a horrible year.

Unfortunately, all going back for Christmas isn’t an option due to cost. We all (except pregnant DD) made the trip back a month ago to have my mum’s ashes interred with my dad and it cost a lot and was only possible as I’d been left some money when my mum passed away. DH’s family dislike me so there’s no option of staying with anyone to save money - his sister took against me when DH moved in with me and set about turning his family and mutual friends again me. DH tended to side with his sister and their behaviour was the catalyst for me wanting to move.

As far as moving back is concerned, I really don’t want to go back somewhere where I’m watching everything I say and do for fear of his sister’s behaviour. DH wants to move once our youngest DC leaves home (she’s currently 12). He doesn’t seem overly concerned about leaving our DC and DGC whereas it would break my heart. In fact, his first reaction to DD’s pregnancy was disappointment as he was concerned it would make me less likely to want to move back home.

Our plan for now is that we’ll stay here but that DH will travel back on his own at least once every couple of years. But, your comments have made me think of that’s what I really want - do I want to be with someone who has checked out of family life to the extent that DH has over the last few years??

I think your marriage is over. Ultimately he wants to live back in his home country and you don’t. Ever. He’s checked out of your marriage and is unpleasant to be around and you would resent being forced to move back to your home country and would hate living there. The only option you have really is to divorce and he go home

He's not 'sulking'; he's clearly unhappy.
You don't sound happy, either.
With both of you far from happy - and the effect it will have had upon your DC - what is keeping you together???