Is this gaslighting?

[Lynsey953]

Reflecting on a conversation with my husband that mirrors many in our relationship and wondering if this is what people talk about when they say "gaslighting".

This morning I was feeling particularly down about a few things in our relationship (minor stuff like the length of time he spends on his phone and the fact I could do with more help in the house, his lack of interest in Christmas day etc ...) but as an adult I thought I'd talk to him about them. I didn't go in on the attack but he then got quite defensive and started to point out reasons why he is down about a few things in our relationship. I had tried not to attack him but just be honest with him but as I say he got defensive and we ended up speaking about the reasons why he feels down and I came up with a plan as to how to help him feel better. I got upset at one point and walked away and he blamed my hormones but at no point did he say he would try to fix his ways to make me feel better. It was all me.
Is this what people talk about when they say gaslighting?
I would just like to point out that I am in no way in an abusive relationship and I have just been disappointed by things recently.

He blames your hormones and won’t accept any responsibility?
And you opened your post by saying that is typical of many conversations in your marriage?

That sounds like emotional abuse. 💐

It sounds like Darvo to me OP, not gaslighting: he has turned things around to make you feel as though you are the one at fault, not him.
No wonder you were upset.

I've never heard of Darvo but yes he did. I ended up apologising and thinking of ways that will make his life easier. Sadly, he didn't do the same for me.

It doesn't feel like abuse but yes it is very typical. He finds it really difficult to say sorry - something his mother is incredibly proud of - but usually I manage to get him to say it although as I type this I can hear how strange this sounds.

I would find it hard to say as we don't have both sides to this

But no men and women should not blame hormones that is not as excuse for either

Ðarvo = Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
It's used in abusive relationships to manipulate and control.

No, it’s not gaslighting. Not even close. Although on MN gaslighting is used for everything, including just plain old-fashioned lies, so I can see why you are confused. Without knowing the full story, and both sides of it, it’s hard to say. But it’s not right that he’s saying things that upset you.

But it is ok for her to do it?

I think it is quite common for people to attack when they feel defensive. I think men do this probably more than women as they have been taught differently by nurture and socialisation. when men complain to their partners the partner mostly takes on board the complaint, feel bad and want to do better in the relationship. In the same situation, men often feel attacked, dislike feeling a let down, turn away, feel like their partner is not happy with them and become down on the relationship. You say you didn’t attack but he went into defensive mode. Maybe despite you thinking you were approaching the discussion in the right way, it didn’t come across that way to him. It’s easy to get cross with one another about stuff that repeats in our lives: like him being on the phone too much. What is too much? He clearly likes it and it’s not too much for him. Our approach, once we are annoyed, is to go in feeling upset and saying stuff like ‘you make me feel x’. When the better approach would be to say something like ‘can we do something nice together today? Lets do the house chores and go out somewhere.’ A positive approach with no attack/blame, gets him off the phone and allows you both to have a nice time together. On the whole, it sounded from your message that you are both struggling with communicating with each other. Maybe a good time to see a counsellor? Get things back on track. There’s a good website that helps to teach about relationships: Al Turtle Relationship Wisdom. Lots of material there to help navigate difficulties. Don’t get hung up on terms used to describe abusive relationships, you will tie yourself up in knots. Ultimately, what you are looking for is to both have good communication styles.