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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Maddening friend

30 replies

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:30

My oldest, closest friend was supposed to visit me from the 27th to the 29th. Since my flat is too small, she asked me to book her an Airbnb, which I did. The plan was for me to dog-sit her dog while she visited her dad (who lives nearby), and then we’d hang out together for a couple of days afterwards.
But her dad has fallen unwell - flu and diarreah so that plan collapsed—and so did ours, apparently. I get the feeling she was trying to “kill two birds with one stone,” and now I’ve been dropped.
What’s maddening is that she never explicitly told me she needed to cancel. Instead, she told me about her dad’s situation and vaguely mentioned that she’d need to spend the 27th with her sister (they usually meet at her dad’s, but now they won’t). It’s like she expected me to put the pieces together and sort it out myself. I’ve effectively been cancelled in favor of her sister, and when I pointed out that cancelling the Airbnb at short notice might be tricky, she accused me of being “stressed and short with her.”

I don’t mind her needing to cancel, but the way she handled it—just leaving it hanging and then making me feel like the bad person—is what pissed me off. It reminds me of the kind of thing my mum used to do (classic narcissist behavior), I’m hurt that she’s disowned her decision and instead made me the problem for being “stressed.”
Am I being unreasonable to think this is pretty rubbish behavior for a supposed close friend? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
minipie · 27/12/2024 00:31

Her dad is unwell, I suspect that’s occupying all her mind at the moment.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 27/12/2024 00:41

Hmm, yanbu, I agree her handling was poor

I don't think you can do anything about it though without appearing unreasonable x

Maybe ask for the money back that you spent on the air bnb?

GinAndJuice99 · 27/12/2024 00:43

Why didn't she book her own Airbnb?

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:47

@GinAndJuice99 Great question. She asked me to book it for her as she hadn't been paid yet, but it's part of a slightly weird dynamic that probably needs to end.

OP posts:
Honestlyhonay · 27/12/2024 00:50

I’m struggling to understand the issue here. Is she still coming or not?

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:51

@mumofoneAlonebutokay
so true!
I managed to get an airbnb refund which was very lucky.
It's just got really under my skin in a way I can't quite explain rationally.
Taken for granted.
I probably just need to goto bed! Thanks for listening x

OP posts:
Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:51

@Honestlyhonay No she's not & she's left me feeling really pissed off because she didn't apologise & just gave me a set of problems to solve

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 27/12/2024 00:57

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:47

@GinAndJuice99 Great question. She asked me to book it for her as she hadn't been paid yet, but it's part of a slightly weird dynamic that probably needs to end.

Yes this is the problem.

you need to set boundaries that make you safe and comfortable in this relationship.

if the dynamics have been set that you don’t feel valid valued or feel able to speak your mind then that won’t change until you make changes from your side to not allow it any more.

of course there are reasons this time that her brain might be occupied but that doesn’t mean that she should then drop all other responsibilities like the fact you have helped her book an air b&b

Dontwearmysocks · 30/12/2024 08:07

Why were you booking and paying for her accommodation? That kind of behaviour needs to stop..

CannotWaitForSummervibes · 30/12/2024 08:10

I don’t understand why you had to book the Airbnb. Does she make a habit of getting you to do stuff for her?

Guavafish1 · 30/12/2024 08:13

I would let it go! Life’s too short.

anyways I won’t book an Airbnb for her again

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2024 08:18

I don't think this is such a big deal. You got a refund. And I expect she'll visit again once dad is better. Makes sense to kill 2 birdsxwith one stone if she doesn't live locally and ( i assume) has limited annual leave

rookiemere · 30/12/2024 08:23

I would definitely pull back. It was by no means guaranteed that the Airbnb wouldn't have still needed paid for, so she had an obligation to be crystal clear with you as soon as she had made her alternative arrangements.

I understand that family emergencies happen, but being cavalier with someone else's money is always a red flag for me - particularly if it is mine.

Who was meant to be paying for it anyway?

Felimscat · 30/12/2024 08:24

I think your friend is thoughtless at best and a piss taking CF at worst. I think somewhere in the middle.

I also think you are allowing the unhealthy dynamics a bit, don't book her an airbnb or any other expense in the future. If she questions it, just say: " sorry Sally I can't do that right now as things are a bit tight for me this month too".

Eldermillennial2024 · 30/12/2024 08:24

It does sound annoying. Some people would either keep the plan with you or be apologetic and say sorry / you mind if we rearrange as if you actually matter too whereas some people just make excuses for why they're late / cancel and don't apologise and somehow you're wrong for saying cancelling the Airbnb at short notice might be problematic.

rookiemere · 30/12/2024 08:25

Sorry I have reread and see she was meant to pay you back once her salary was in. You do know if you couldn't cancel you would never have got a penny from her.
I certainly wouldn't be paying for anything again.

FrogOnAYuleLog · 30/12/2024 08:29

minipie · 27/12/2024 00:31

Her dad is unwell, I suspect that’s occupying all her mind at the moment.

Would you be concerned if your dad had the shits?? The the point your entire mind was occupied? 😅I wouldn't. Friend wasn't looking after dad, it just meant her meeting place to see her sister had to be changed.

pasturesgreen · 30/12/2024 08:37

Doesn't help you now, but this was never going to end well: "She asked me to book it for her as she hadn't been paid yet".

A capable adult can book and pay fof their own accommodation. Now she has no incentive to pay you back as it's not her that's out of pocket.

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 08:38

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:47

@GinAndJuice99 Great question. She asked me to book it for her as she hadn't been paid yet, but it's part of a slightly weird dynamic that probably needs to end.

This is the problem. Its not a weird dynamic: she is a massive user and you are a people pleaser.

TheCourseOfTheRiverChanged · 30/12/2024 08:39

Could it have been a misunderstanding on your part from the start?
It sounds to me like your friend saw the whole arrangement as you doing her a favour to enable her to spend time with her dad (and sister)? Rather than her making plans to see you and adding on a visit to her dad?
(I don't know whether she's being cheeky to expect this big a favour or not).

pictoosh · 30/12/2024 08:39

minipie · 27/12/2024 00:31

Her dad is unwell, I suspect that’s occupying all her mind at the moment.

Don't be soft. He's got a virus. She's a time-wasting, selfish madam. At very best, utterly thoughtless...but more realistically, just bloody self-absorbed with little respect for OP or her time.

Yanbu OP.

pictoosh · 30/12/2024 08:41

Do you think she would have stuck you with the Airbnb fee if you hadn't been able to cancel?

pikkumyy77 · 30/12/2024 08:43

Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 27/12/2024 00:51

@Honestlyhonay No she's not & she's left me feeling really pissed off because she didn't apologise & just gave me a set of problems to solve

Edited

You can’t sleep because you are waking up to what a mug you have been. Be kind to yourself. There is a three part meditation you can do.

  1. I bet lots of people have this problem (that they get stampeded into overstepping good boundaries to try to be helpful to a friend in need.

  2. I don’t have to repeat this behavior next time. . Its ok for me to learn this lesson and say no next time.

  3. maybe this realization will help someone else in the future.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 30/12/2024 08:49

She sounds flaky and probably wouldn’t have paid for the Airbnb, so there’s that. I agree that this is piss taking behaviour.
Cancelling her plans and making new ones is not the end of the world but I’m guessing it was the money issue you were getting at?

pictoosh · 30/12/2024 08:49

NeedToChangeName · 30/12/2024 08:18

I don't think this is such a big deal. You got a refund. And I expect she'll visit again once dad is better. Makes sense to kill 2 birdsxwith one stone if she doesn't live locally and ( i assume) has limited annual leave

I understand what you're saying here but it is a big deal. OP put two days of free time aside for her. Two days. OP has limited annual leave too, I'd assume.

Shit happens of course, but the lack of apology says this lady has no manners for the OP. She changed her mind and left OP with a refund to try to organise.
Again, no apology.

Hmm.