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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask for help with my 12 year old son

12 replies

Helpmeouthere89 · 26/12/2024 23:13

Me and his dad are at our wits end with him. We have been separated for 8 years with joint custody which has worked out well for us. His younger sister is 9. Me and the dad have a great relationship and still work well parenting together. Our son is not listening. Refusing to eat. Always arguing over something. He is the same in both houses. He's so ungrateful and I feel like I don't recognise the person he is becoming. He told me earlier on he didn't like the presents he had for Xmas and wondered why I got upset. He seems to play up all the time in both households. He is mean to his younger sister and just wants to be gaming all the time. I try to set boundaries and routing but he is constantly pushing. And when I do end up telling him off, he plays the victims and acts like he didn't do anything. He has started lying a lot to the point I feel that I'm starting to disbelief what actually happened. Please help me. Surely this isn't normal at this age. He is doing well in school and has an active social life and activities with no problem holding them down

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 26/12/2024 23:18

I don't think it sounds particularly abnormal. Teens are hard work - pushing boundaries all the time.

TheSandgroper · 26/12/2024 23:33

Welcome to puberty. Yes, it can happen overnight.

Have a chat with your ex to try to agree on consistency in your parenting. Pick your battles. Decide on what to let slide and what hill you will die on and your sliding scale in between.

Gin has it’s uses.

BlueSilverCats · 26/12/2024 23:35

Has he always been like this , or is this new?

What are his food issues?

Does he have moments at all where he is calm, kind , loving etc?

LittleHangleton · 26/12/2024 23:38

Arguing - is two-way. You can stop the arguing by setting firm boundaries, then don't argue about them, just repeat the boundary and consequence if broken. Take all emotion out of your responses to Boundary pushing.

Ungrateful - is not uncommon. In terms of Christmas gifts, I would not be gifting surprises at this age. Id give a budget and request he send me a link to what he wants, for me to buy. They won't be ungrateful then. Also teaches elements of budgets and managing expectations.

Not listening - listening is also a two-way thing. Are you listening to him, verbal and non-verbal communication? I'm a firm believer that you have to give respect to be respected. 12 is that transition age where you have to shift away from 'do as I say.. because I'm the adult' towards allowing a degree of ("a degree of", by no means "full" at this age) autonomy to make mistakes, understand consequences and learn from them.

He is mean to his younger sister and just wants to be gaming all the time - both normal. Teach his sister to give him space and leave him alone.

plays the victims and acts like he didn't do anything - in his eyes, being told off means he is the victim. Therefore not an unusual or irrational responce, even tho its frustrating for you. Try not to 'win' and have him 'lose'. Just apply the expected consequences.

started lying a lot - children lying says more about their parents than it does the child. Think about why he lies? Lying is evidently his best option. Why?

couraggio · 26/12/2024 23:38

No advice but my 12-year old DS is similar. Argues about everything and it’s exhausting.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2024 23:47

He sounds really normal. Which 12 year old boys are grateful?

BlueSilverCats · 26/12/2024 23:50

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2024 23:47

He sounds really normal. Which 12 year old boys are grateful?

Nice ones?

CarolSwimmer · 26/12/2024 23:51

Why has he stopped eating/is refusing to eat? This would be my biggest concern .....

Dramatic · 27/12/2024 00:00

LittleHangleton · 26/12/2024 23:38

Arguing - is two-way. You can stop the arguing by setting firm boundaries, then don't argue about them, just repeat the boundary and consequence if broken. Take all emotion out of your responses to Boundary pushing.

Ungrateful - is not uncommon. In terms of Christmas gifts, I would not be gifting surprises at this age. Id give a budget and request he send me a link to what he wants, for me to buy. They won't be ungrateful then. Also teaches elements of budgets and managing expectations.

Not listening - listening is also a two-way thing. Are you listening to him, verbal and non-verbal communication? I'm a firm believer that you have to give respect to be respected. 12 is that transition age where you have to shift away from 'do as I say.. because I'm the adult' towards allowing a degree of ("a degree of", by no means "full" at this age) autonomy to make mistakes, understand consequences and learn from them.

He is mean to his younger sister and just wants to be gaming all the time - both normal. Teach his sister to give him space and leave him alone.

plays the victims and acts like he didn't do anything - in his eyes, being told off means he is the victim. Therefore not an unusual or irrational responce, even tho its frustrating for you. Try not to 'win' and have him 'lose'. Just apply the expected consequences.

started lying a lot - children lying says more about their parents than it does the child. Think about why he lies? Lying is evidently his best option. Why?

Edited

This is not necessarily true (the lying part) some children become compulsive liars for no particular reason.

lauraloulou1 · 27/12/2024 00:29

Sounds like gaming is the issue here. What is he playing? Can you take it away? Explain its a privilege he isn't earning or is that unrealistic? There was a "game" on apple app store where the guy was trying to lose weight - and it wasn't banned or flagged - if he hungry he going to be super emotional? Good luck xx

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2024 00:34

Iv a 13 year old the same.

We have firm boundaries. The rudeness was at school too so all electronics have been removed for a month inc mobile.

Iv gotten quite a chocolate intake this month

CosyRoby · 27/12/2024 00:40

He’s 12
Take the computer away if gaming is causing the issue .
Yes we have done this
Yes it works
Tough initially , but just do it , set boundaries , he can earn it back .

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