To not help my mum?

[stackesontop]

I’ve gone back home from Christmas Eve and leaving on Saturday. My mum is hosting a second Christmas Day tomorrow for my other siblings and their children. She didn’t host Christmas.

I love her but she’s extremely lazy. She’s been a housewife for 40 years. Shes now doing a mad tidy up session because her house is brimming with junk. Asking me today to take boxes into the attic and into the garage.

I’ve done the minimum but ultimately she’s had all the time in the world to do this. I have my own house, a stressful job that I’m off this week and just want to chill and eat tbh. I don’t want to clean another and tidy another (capable) adults house because they’ve not bothered.

Well maybe she's lazy but you sound lazy too.

You said you love her, but you won't help her when she's asking for help?!

If you think she would learn from it, you could leave her to it.. But it sounds like you've already done some of it so why not slow down, take it easy and try and enjoy the gathering.. people can overlook a bit of messiness for the sake of a get- together. Worse things to worry about.

Just help your Mum. FGS.

Because her mums lazy and had loads of time to sort the house? Rtt??

Why wouldn't you help her? A tidy round doesn't take much time.

Agree with PP.

If you 'have your own house' sod off back there to chill and eat.

If your mum is hosting you, get off your arse and lend a hand.

Because she does it every single year. My house was an embarrassment growing up, if I ever wanted a friend over I had to give her a months notice to clean it.

I’m not lazy at all. Most of the week I’m out at 6am and not home until 7pm. I do exams, I keep my house pristine.

I’ve helped her every year we have this ridiculous panic and I’m done.

I don't think this thread is going to go well for you @stackesontop

YABU, give her a hand! She is obviously struggling for some reason. Very few people with very messy, chaotic homes are 'bone idle,' and 'lazy.' Help your mum FGS!

.

It’s not a tidy round at all. I’ve taken at least 10 boxes full of junk to the attic and to the garage. Her dining room is so full of stuff it’s not even possible to sit at it.

If it was dusting, hoovering, setting a table. I’m more than happy to do all of that. Of you’ve never loved with a border then you have no idea.

You could barely open the door to the guest bedroom which will have people staying in it tomorrow. So no shes been “tidying” since 10am and then sat down for 5 hours to watch tv and now she is once again “tidying”

No she’s lazy. Her routine is that my dad takes her out for breakfast every single day. Then she’ll come home, read a paper, do a crossword and then sit in front of the tv for the rest of day.

If the house has always been a state, YABU to expect her to act differently now. There's probably something behind it. I know there's a reason behind my house being a permanent mess.

I think you should help.

So you think she's a hoarder but don't accept there's potentially a MH or ND issue?

I think I know my mum better than you know her.

This would annoy me as well. But as another poster said, if this is par for the course, why expect other behaviour. Seems like a bigger conversation needs to be had about her MH the role Dad plays in this and how siblings and you can support with her hoarding problems. I appreciate coming back to this sort of thing must be difficult especially when you want to switch off from a stressful job!

There may be an underlying issue, as others have said, but then she needs to develop coping mechanisms that don’t involve you.

@stackesontop can I ask why you put yourself through this every year, I could not go and stay in a dirty house on my week off work to relax.

Why is your dad not tidying?

Go home in the morning? I couldn't cope with this.

You’re bang out of order with this comment! OP does not sound lazy! And this is nothing to do with love, it’s about setting boundaries and not being taken for a ride by her selfish uncaring mother.
OP’s mother is perfectly capable of cleaning her own home, and has wrongly assumed her hard working daughter, who incidentally deserves a break, will bale out her mess at the 11th hour. If OP complies her mother will assume this is the way forward and sit on her arse and let others do for her.
I would say, “Sorry mum, you’ve had plenty of time to tidy up, unlike me who works full time, so now I’m going home to have a well deserved break from work to enjoy what is left of my holiday leave”.
Sadly OP’s Christmas break is already ruined by her selfish lazy mother because whichever decision she chooses she’ll probably feel pissed off, or guilty, or angry, or all three.

If you have had enough then you could tell her this year is the last year you will do it and so she needs to be organised next year.

And mean it.

So next year you remind her what you said and don't help her.

Obviously too late to chip in on whether to help. For future Xmas you probably should just visit for a day? It's strange to stay in someone's house who you obviously think is a lazy pain in the arse and who annoys you with the same behaviour every year.

OP, YANBU.
Your mother will never learn from this if others keep bailing her out, and your dad doesn’t seem much bothered either. Let them take responsibility for their mess and laziness, let them have the embarrassment of guests having no place to sleep because she took for granted you would clear up whilst she sat reading the paper, watching tv, or doing crosswords.
There’s two types of people in this world, pain responders and pleasure responders, people make appropriate and positive changes when feeling one of these emotions. Your mother does not make the appropriate change or response to pleasure… ie when you clear up for her. So she needs to feel the pain and embarrassment of guests arriving to her mess, only THEN is she likely to make the change in future.
‘Do what you you’ve always done and you’ll get what you’ve always got’. You need to change too, make a stand and GO HOME.

YANBU to have had enough and not want to enable the chaos any more, hoarding is not unlike other addictions in that respect. But YABU not to realise that hoarding is usually connected with a MH or trauma based issue.

I think this goes way beyond laziness tbh.

Personally I wouldn't be going there for Christmas. This isn't going to change.

I don't think you can be a hoarder without a mental health issue. Your frustration is valid though and it is upto you to set your own boundaries.

A month before she's hosting next time can you say..."how about getting rid of some of your stuff from now?...as I really don't want the hassle of moving boxes when I want to enjoy people's company."