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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my ex is a prize A bastard?

12 replies

Campari20 · 26/12/2024 22:26

Ex who is (sorry excuse of a) father to our DD had Christmas contact this year. I've celebrated today with DD.

Ex is vile and abusive. A classic textbook narcissist. He's had two relationships since I left him and he domestically abused both of these women. In my opinion he's a waste of skin.

However, on behalf of DD being able to acknowledge him on Christmas day we went to the shop and got him a card and present.

DD was really excited to give him the present. It was a £4.99 gift from card factory. I wrapped it up for her to give to him.

Well.. she returned early this morning and went to get something out of her back pack that she takes for overnight contact and low and behold the unwrapped gift is put back in her bag which she found. DD was confused and upset and asked if her dad didn't like her gift.

So I'm left explaining to a 7 year old that perhaps he put it in there by mistake or forgot to take it out.

I know he's done it on purpose because he knows I would've paid for the gift and doesn't want to accept it despite it being from his daughter. DD hand picked this gift for him.

He'd rather upset his daughter than dispose of the gift after she's left just to spite me.

Aibu to think he's an arsehole of the highest order?

This is in a long line of un child focussed things he's done such as not taking her to activities or parties, demanding she can't participate in her activities that fall on his weekend and I must remove her and make her available to him, trying to control her friendships as he's racist as DD goes to a diverse school.

I wish I could press delete on him. I felt heartbroken for DD when she asked if her dad didn't like her present.

OP posts:
OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 26/12/2024 22:28

Vile behaviour.

pinksquash13 · 26/12/2024 22:29

He sounds utterly grim. Feel for your DD. She'll see through him when she's older.

RhaenysRocks · 26/12/2024 22:32

Assuming he has done it on purpose then yes he is. I massively resent spending time and money on getting my ex gifts "from the kids" but I do it because THEY want to get him something, he doesn't return the favour - my mum sorts it out for me. My condolences OP but hopefully he will lose interest soon and you won't have to deal with him.

itsmylife7 · 26/12/2024 22:32

Arsehole of the highest level.

Don't ever buy anything for him again.

Maybe a hand made card so it's nothing to do with you.

Rhaidimiddim · 26/12/2024 22:41

You need to find a way to explain his behaviour to her, and to prepare her for what she's got in store.

" Your dad has this problem that makes it hard for him to <explanation of your choice>.
It means that, for example, then I help you choose a gift for him, he returns the gift because he knows it will upset me. It has nothing to do with whether he likes it or not. He can't help himself, love, so don't take it to heart. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT"

Later on, you can add " He doesn't even think that it will upset you < optional additional clause - and wouldn't care anyway>."

Been there, except that I didn't get that he was NPD untill younger one was 13 or so.

You are lucky, you see him for what he is early on. You really need to start explaining his behaviour, what she should expect etc right now before she starts thinking it is her fault and before he starts doing a head job on her.

Typo edits.

Campari20 · 26/12/2024 22:44

I'm conscious as I was accused of parental alienation in court so I'm mindful what I say to her about him. I do hate making excuses for him though.

This was a new low for him

OP posts:
Busywithsomething · 26/12/2024 22:45

I'd ask him to explain it to her. He'd find some way round it I'm sure. But in future, I'd find another way of dealing with it, if she wants to give him something

vipersnest1 · 26/12/2024 22:48

Coming at it from a different angle, is it possible his family bought a present from DD, making yours 'redundant'?

Campari20 · 26/12/2024 22:48

Think I'll take advice and do a home made card. Not spending money on that waste of space again. I try to shield DD from it all but this one was really difficult. Twisted the pit of my stomach making excuses for him.

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 26/12/2024 22:51

Campari20 · 26/12/2024 22:44

I'm conscious as I was accused of parental alienation in court so I'm mindful what I say to her about him. I do hate making excuses for him though.

This was a new low for him

Please don't make excuses.

Please try to find a way to help your poor child see that he behaves a certain way - your DC will recognise the patterns, kids aren't stupid - without blaming him.

Hard, when they are litigatious.

And it sucks, having to bear the financial cost and time of defending accusations while protecting your child and yourself from a man's abuse.

I am so sorry for your situation.

YouMeandBrie · 26/12/2024 22:54

She’s only little, she will accept that Daddy got confused and thought the present was for her. Don’t waste your time and money again though.

Campari20 · 26/12/2024 22:55

vipersnest1 · 26/12/2024 22:48

Coming at it from a different angle, is it possible his family bought a present from DD, making yours 'redundant'?

No. Simply not possible. His family are estranged from him. It was literally just DD and him on Xmas day.

He did nothing at all to make the day special for her either. Having her for Christmas was more about ripping the opportunity away from me to see her. Made no difference to me as I literally cloned boxing day into Christmas day today and it was fabulous.

OP posts:
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