DS says his step mum has dated my DP

[sooph]

Bit of a weird one! My DS11 came home from his Dad's today and whilst updating me on his day said that his step mum (well, dad's girlfriend) had told him that a few years back she'd had a couple of dates with my boyfriend of a year. My boyfriend has seen her from a distance and has seen photos so knows who she is. Boyfriend has only recently met DS.

His step mum has told a number of bizarre lies before (I won't go in to that now) but I can't imagine why she'd lie about this (or tell DS for that matter but that's a whole other story).

AIBU to think if he has dated her previously he should have said something? It's all a little strange.

I think the biggest issue here is that she is involving your 11 yo.

Especially if it is a lie.

It just isn’t right to say something like that to a child.

Why would it matter whether he did or not? As long as he isn't dating her now it's a non-issue.

Besides if it was a few years ago he might not remember a couple of dates with her, she may not be all that memorable. She is just shit stirring anyway so it doesn't matter what she does says or thinks, she's not worth the headspace you are giving this.

I’d need to ask him about this. It would be a dealbreaker for me. Far too close for comfort.

Fuck her.
And the broom she rode in on.

Ask him or you’ll go insane.

Wouldn’t bother me if he had, could explain step mums poor behaviour

It wouldn't be weird if you lived in my town, anyone past age 30 has dating connections with everyone else 😂

@ClicketyClickPlusOne It's definitely not ok to involve my DS but it's not the first time she's behaved questionably.

I'm also not sure why it's embarrassing. You're overthinking it.

People date. Would it he the end of the world if it turned out to he true that they went on a couple of dates a few years ago and it went no further?

Also, wrt to him not telling you. If you'd posted here in the early days saying that your new bf had told you he once dated your ex's new gf, there would have been people telling you to run because there was no need to tell you and he was trying to triangulate you or some other such nonsense.

Would you care if she had dated him? Presumably it’s not recently? Does your DP know who she is - can’t imagine they’d overlap socially around you?

It’s very weird you can’t say to your partner ‘DS came back from his Dads and said…’

Why on earth haven’t you just asked him?

Sounds like your ex’s GF is stirring to pot, just to get you in a tizz. Ignore her.
You could as of course. Make a joke of it saying ‘you’ll never guess what ex’s gf said…..’

Id raise it with your ex and for him to handle her and then ignore. Say you don’t think it’s appropriate her discussing her dating history with his 11 year old son.

does it really matter if your partner went on a couple of dates with her? Would it change your relationship and if so why?

I really don't get what the issue is. Worse case scenario is she is telling the truth and it was just a couple of dates years ago. If they had a full on relationship that your boyfriend has hidden from you then fair enough that may be an issue. But going on a couple of dates with someone which then didn't go anywhere, most people probably wouldn't even think about it again unless something really memorable happened.
My husband told me a couple weeks ago that when he was younger he went out on a date with a girl called Sarah (who he met in a pub).
Then a week or so later, when he was out with a mate, he saw Sarah in the pub so went over to her and chatted to her for a bit and arranged to go out again.
When he went back to his mate, his mate told him that Sarah was also in the pub and didn't seem happy to see him talking to other girl.
Yep, it wasn't Sarah who he was talking to, it was just someone who looked like her (alcohol probably played a part in this).
If he couldn't recognise her a week later he definitely wouldn't have recognised her years later.

Honestly OP just ask him. You're probably comparing how your early dating was with theirs (if it happened at all) but there's no reason to think that.

Think about it - you're together a year so it's fair to assume the first few dates went very well.

They didn't last so theirs didn't.

I have a long list of men I 'went on a few dates with'. There is every likelihood I could be sitting opposite one in a meeting or introduced to as someone's spouse or partner. In fact only last week, I was having dinner with my daughter when a man looked in the window of the restaurant. He was the last person I dated before DH. He frowned and looked confused then a moment or two later waved hello.

When people are dating they tend to date a lot. Many dates are just a quick walk or coffee - a preliminary to a real romantic date which is often three or four dates in.

He may not have recognised her or he may not have thought it worth mentioning then forgot about it entirely. Or she may have made it up.

Either way the only appropriate response (to her) is "oh really? That's so funny."

A couple of dates is not a big deal. I wouldnt be concerned that he hadnt mentioned. And people can get awkward discussing previouse relationships especially with people they know.

If he deliberately lied about dating her i would be concerned but as stepmum has form for weird lies i would assume dp telling the truth if he says they havent dated.

Maybe he went out for a drink with her a couple of times and he didn’t see it as a date, yet she did??

so what , they’re not together now so what ever they did have didn’t last long anyway!!

Your ex needs to discuss boundaries with his partner. Why on earth is a grown woman talking to an 11 year old child about her past dating life? Thats unhinged. If they did date then that is your next issue but honestly her discussing her past dating life with a child is so so wrong.

I understand why you’d not feel comfortable asking. From what you’ve said she does sound unhinged- why on earth would she say such a thing to your son - the only answer is to get at you.

Feel sorry for her desperate / pathetic ways. Mention to your ex that she needs to stop saying inappropriate things to your son. And tell your bf what she said, in the context of how inappropriate it was and btw is it true? If so there’s a question about why he didn’t mention it, but it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Don’t let her make it one!

Ask him if it's lies it reflects on the liar not you you have been told this it's fair enough to want to check and find out what's actually true

You wouldn't embarrass yourself if she's the one telling lies
If she's telling lies, it's no reflection upon you whatsoever & is just being an embarrassment to herself
Nothing negative in concerns with you to any degree
Her lies, if she's lying would be on her not you
Please speak to him about this and clear it up
You've a right to know one way or another

You haven't said how she claims to know who you bf is?