AIBU - I don't want to care for a terminally ill parent.

[Okonomoyaki]

A parent was diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago. They decided not to have treatment. They are single and live alone.

I live around 90mins away. Recently they have declined. I have no siblings (although my parent does). I am treated like they are my responsibility. I have a life, I have family, I don't want this. They are extremely difficult (the reason my other parent left them).
I am not willing to sacrifice my hard-fought life for them. AIBU?

That's what social care is for.
Either caring for your parent is a privilege to give back what they gsve you for many years - or in your case they clearly didn't give enough because you don't have anything to give.

I wouldn’t do it.

Reach out to Macmillan. My mum is on end of life care but with me at home, recognise it's different if you don't want to do this. But at least let McMillan know they may be able to pick up the caring side.
But as long as when they pass you can be at peace then you don't need to be involved

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I'll just offer something to think about.

This is your parent, and it sounds as though they won't be around much longer. This is your last chance to talk to them and try to mend the issues that went wrong.

I didn't do this with my DM, and I regret it a lot. There were things the needed saying that could have mended the relationship in a healthy way, I think; but we never got the change - or if we did, we never used it.

I'm not saying that it's ruined my life, or become an obsession, but I do regret not using that time to talk and reflect.

For many reason people are unable to look after their family, and it’s ok, you don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. But I think you have to be clear with then so they can make plans

If they've decided to not have treatment, they should have been aware of what that would lead to.

You're 90 mins away and they're extremely difficult. It sounds like a no brainer to me! They need to engage with support services and get a plan in place to help. You can visit when you want, but you shouldn't be the main care provider.

Don't do it. You'll end up resenting them the time you've taken to care for them, as well as the impact on your own family

This is why we have social care and care homes

YANBU. Mine is 5 hours away, currently just about coping, but was taken to hospital due to flu/low oxygen, good job she lives near niece/nephew/sister. I know they think I’m terrible, I hadn’t planned to visit this holiday but I don’t have a choice now. I absolutely will not be giving up my life to care for her.

My father was an arsehole
Then he was an arsehole with a terminal disease
Then he was a dead arsehole.
Just because someone is dying it doesn't have to change anything if you don't want it to.

This. Went through a very similar situation with my Mum. You just have to refuse to get involved. The more you agree to do the less social care / NHS etc will do. In the end my Mum was entitled to funding through continuing healthcare (despite owning her own home outright) and was given a fully funded place in a complex nursing home (similar to a hospice).

Could you do a bit of both I wonder. You can only do what you're able to do at the end of the day and thats all. Its not selfish to include yourself and your family in your priorities. In fact it is essential. Im so sorry to hear about your parent. i would reach out for support to social welfare or other groups and see what's available. You could maybe organise part time or even live in palative care if its available and if your parent is open to the idea. Don't take on all the responsibility yourself whatever you do, get advice and support. It is out there

You could email them this information from Marie Curie which is a checklist of things to do if you're living alone with cancer.

You could contact social services to do a needs assessment and organise a food delivery.

Have they abused you, neglected or hurt you in some way? If so it’s not unreasonable to not offer care. If they haven’t though it’s mean to leave them to their own devices. We had carers to help out with FIL when he had terminal cancer and they were crap. We did as much as we could to care for him but he was a good man. My dad is currently pretty unwell and I won’t be doing the same because he’s not a good man.

I don’t think caring is all or nothing and very few people I know have their parent living with them and even fewer do any personal care. But you might be able to refer them to adult social care, help them claim attendance allowance if applicable eg do a little bit of putting things in place.

The important thing is to be at peace with your decision, whatever that is. It's nobody's business but your own.

This, op. You need to do what you are at peace with, and not worry or care about others opinions. They are not responsibility.

I was in a similar situation recently and my DM passed away from cancer. I did not visit her, due to past emotional abuse.

Be sure in your mind of what you want and need from this situation and be at peace with it. Seek counselling if you feel you need non-judgemental support with your decision.

Be mindful of how many people you tell about this in real life. I am viewed as scum of the earth, bad-mouthed by family to everyone who will listen etc. Very, very few people have the emotional intelligence to understand that others’ situations and experiences are different to their own and may judge you negatively. I don’t mean to put you off your decision but to go into it with your eyes open.

It's your decision. I found myself 90 minutes away by public transport and it was really hard - and that was without the personal difficulties, because our relationship was really good. But 90 minutes might as well be half a day when there's a crisis and you can't get there to help and that would be the case even if you were as lucky as me. Having hospice involvement made all the difference.

If you can't be available, don't muddy the waters. Just say so and contact Macmillan or advise your parent or their sibling to do so.

You have responsibilities and I'm assuming a job you need OP. YANBU to not want to be a carer for them.
But, I think that it is your responsibility to some degree to help by sorting out social care for them. Get in touch with your council and they will be able to help. If your parent is at end of life then you could contact Marie Curie for support.

YANBU.
Live your hard fought for life.
Full stop.

I would want to, if I could, but it's not that simple. You can only weigh up your own situation and decide what is suitable and possible in your situation. I would, at the very least, make sure they are taken care of by the right people though.

Decide what you are willing to do. I’m personally willing to make phone calls and manage paperwork if my abusive parent ever needs care. From my remote location, I will arrange whatever services are needed, but I am not providing any care or practical help myself.

My beloved grandad is terminally ill. He has 3 children and 6 adults grand children and many great grandchildren.

He is absolutely loved and adored.

We spend time with him, we do shopping and laundry for him, hold his hand, read with him. Visit frequently, cook meals and take them to him. We will miss him desperately when he is gone.

But we do not care for him - he has carers 3 times daily, soon to be 4. They wash and dress him, clean him when soiled, empty his chamber pot.

Yanbu.