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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What age to let dd go to boyfriends house

17 replies

WayTooManyHorrorStories · 26/12/2024 19:32

OK so I've name changed for this as it's a sensitive topic, also just a warning as it contains talk of SA. Dd asked me tonight if she could go over to her boyfriends house (she's 15 coming up to 16) and I said no. She's never asked before as she hasn't been interested in boys that much. She's been ok about it but I know she thinks I'm being overprotective. For a bit of context I was SA by a boy the same age as me at her age in a similar scenario and just know how easily what seems to be an innocent situation can turn into something sinister. I don't want to project my own worries onto her but I just don't feel comfortable with her going to his house.

I suppose this is less of an AIBU as I've already told dd she can't go to her boyfriends house as we haven't met him and also don't know the family but this got me thinking what age would other people be ok with their dc's going to their boyfriends/girlfriends houses?

OP posts:
DaisyCottonClock · 26/12/2024 21:22

How long have they been a couple? How serious is it? Are you talking about her spending time there in the day, or stopping overnight? Have you spoken with her about your concerns and (in an age appropriate way) your experience of SA? Have you given her practical advice on healthy relationships, sex, consent and protecting herself?

But to answer the question I'd be happy with my DD going to a bf house from any age. I might engineer a brief meeting with the mum, and I'd make sure the boy came round to ours first so I had a sense of him.

GobletOfIre · 26/12/2024 21:37

She is under age. Be aware her bf may be pressing her. She is under age. Teens need boundaries so help her out by setting one.

Also, talk to her a lot about consensual sex, birth control and stis.

Rocknrollstar · 26/12/2024 21:49

You can’t stop them having sex by banning her from going to his house. As I told my year 10 girls - I knew they were having sex on park benches and in doorways. I would sooner DS and his girlfriends had sex in my house where they were safe. and yes, I had a long talk with him about contraception.

Makingchocolatecake · 26/12/2024 22:12

Depends if she is wanting to sleep over and what the bf's parents let them do (eg. do they let them go upstairs with the door closed, or home alone etc).

Newname71 · 26/12/2024 22:22

For me it would depend on what rules were in place at the boyfriends house. His mum may insist they stay downstairs at all times in which case I’d be fine with it.

Endofyear · 26/12/2024 22:47

I do think your experience is affecting your judgement (understandably) it's reasonable for her to want to be allowed to go to her boyfriend's house at nearly 16. Of course there are factors you want to take into consideration -

Do you know him and have you met his family?
How long they've been going out
Do you have a good relationship with her so that you can have a discussion about risks and responsibilities and consent

At some point you are going to have to trust that you have taught her well enough to trust her own judgement. She needs to feel that you trust her too. If you restrict her too much, she will find ways round it - meeting him at a friend's house for instance or telling you she's going to see a friend and going to see him instead!

Suzuki76 · 26/12/2024 22:51

I was 16 and I slept over in my boyfriend's bed every weekend (he was 17). My mum didn't know that though and actually now I'm a mum of a DS I think a) his parents were irresponsible and b) mine were naive!

Original poster
WayTooManyHorrorStories · 27/12/2024 12:05

Thanks for all the replies, definitely food for thought.
DaisyCottonClock definitely not a serious thing as of yet, they're just 'speaking or whatever they call it now.

No mum at home to have a chat with, just dad and 2 older brothers. I could have a conversation with dad but we've not even met this boy yet. It's not so much that I want to or even trying to stop them having sex. I'm full aware of what they get up to at that age and dd an I have a very good open dialect on those subjects. We have had many conversations about being safe its more that I just don't like her entering I to an environment that could put her at risk. Although I know this could happen anywhere it just doesn't sit right with me with us not knowing anything about this boy or his family.

I think will suggest to Dd that she has him over here first so we can meet him, I'm more than happy for his dad to give me a call to discuss so that might work better for now.

OP posts:
Original poster
WayTooManyHorrorStories · 27/12/2024 12:07

Apologies for the typos!

OP posts:
NancyJoan · 27/12/2024 12:09

Offer for her to have him at home instead. Once you've met him, you’ll get a better idea of what sort of lad he is. My DD was 16 when she got her first boyfriend, it was a big ‘gulp’ moment when she started going over to his after school, but I did already know him/his parents to say hello to, so I wasn’t actually worried. Teenagers will have sex, if they want to, it’s the other things that might go wrong that are the worry.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/12/2024 12:12

If they seem like they're exclusive then I'd say just before 16 or 16 and above is fine. If they are seeming ready and they're near enough 16. That was the age most of my peers and me started sleeping with our boyfriends. Presuming she/they know the importance of contraception and consent etc.

Onlycoffee · 27/12/2024 12:33

So you mean to hang out after school or to stay the night? Because I'm surprised she's asking if it's just to hang out, in which case you have an advantage a lot of parents of almost16 yr olds don't have!

If you're worried about her being there, encourage her to invite him to yours. She might think that with no mother and a household of boys might be more carefree and private so allow her privacy and space at home, make staying at yours preferable to going to his place.

needhelpwiththisplease · 27/12/2024 13:18

Invite him to your house

MimiGC · 27/12/2024 14:36

How long have they been going out? How old is he? Does he go to her school? Do they have other friends in common? Why haven't you met him? I'd want answers to all those questions before I'd even consider letting her to go his house. But I agree with others, invite him to yours instead, especially if there's no mother in the boy's house.

LlynTegid · 27/12/2024 14:38

I think your response and plan is a good one.

chocolatespreadsandwich · 27/12/2024 14:44

I think you just need to be glad she is being open with you about where she is going. And chat to her about how to manage difficult situations, make sure she knows a code to phone /message if she ever feels uncomfortable and wants collecting.

If a 15 year old wants to spend time with a boyfriend alone they will find a way. Say how glad you are she asked and chat about what feels comfortable to her

Onelifeonly · 27/12/2024 14:48

Has she not been to other friend's houses whose parents you don't know? (Girls or boys). At that age you don't generally insist on knowing the parents first? Seeing as you seem more worried about his family background than him per se.

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